When You're Mad

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better."

Disclaimer: that quote really has nothing to do with this post, it's just one of my favorites of 2014. Also I have been EPICALLY (does such a word exist?) lazy because this post should have gone up like 2 weeks ago, its just been sitting in my drafts :-/


I often feel like in the relationships I've had in the past, I've done enough fighting for a lifetime. I really used to "enjoy" fighting. I was really honestly so good at it. I wasn't the kind to randomly pick fights for the fun of it, but I would never lose.

Right now, I'm just over it though. I really wish I could do without it and I've been trying to put myself in a space where I can avoid it. Ok, avoid it is the wrong word. More like learn how to express disappointment of have disagreements without it having to turn into a fight. Only problem is, I am generally a Type A personality personality, And I think this is the one thing about me that all the men I have been with like and dislike in equal measure. They love that I can think and express myself and all that, I think they just never realize this will extend to all areas, including when you make me unhappy. Then you throw me in the ring with Mr.O who is equally Type A, hehehehe.. THITIMAA!

Anyways, that's beside the point. I think the problem is many times we demonize fighting and disagreements because everywhere we look (and by everywhere I mean Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat etc etc) all we see are these happy plastic perfect couples. So when here in your real relationship you have a fight, you almost begin to think its the end of the world and y'all must be so wrong for each other. Granted there is a level of fighting that is EXTREMELY unhealthy and makes the relationship toxic, And of course there are those couples who never fight (or so I hear). But the majority of normal, healthy, well adjusted couples do disagree and do get on each others necks. It happens, it's normal. Why? Because the only way to people can be together/live together and agree on absolutely everything is if they are exactly the same person. And no two people are exactly the same.

One of my married friends recently told me that what she considers to be one of the worst pieces of advice she was given before she got married is "Don't go to bed mad". We are all familiar with that one, right? And it sounds great - in theory. The practicality of it however can be much more different. Not all disagreements can be resolved in a couple of minutes. Sometimes disagreements get blown up because of other stress inducing factors outside the two of you. Sometimes all you need is a good nights rest and your perspective will be totally different the next day or in a couple of days.
And I honestly think people should talk about it more.

I feel like if people were real about the situations they have going on in their relationships/marriages, there may actually be a lot less people ending their relationships/marriages. The thing is we all struggle (alone), and we try and make our way through the mud and muck (alone) because we actually believe that we are alone. And we are more interested in putting up appearances that reaching out and getting help. And sometimes help could be as simple as recognizing and accepting that you are not the only ones in this and that there is nothing wrong if you are having a disagreement, and you will not die if you admit it. Celebrate your good days and talk about your bad days as well.

A great relationship is made up of two good forgivers. That's it. If you know you did something wrong that hurt your partner, humble yourself and apologize. If your partner genuinely apologizes, forgive them. No relationship can survive without constant apology and forgiveness, Yes, even for we Type A's. Something that Mr.O and I have been learning the hard way :-)

Remember - when it comes to relationships and fighting,  you can be right or you can be happy, You can rarely ever be both.

Arctic Fox

"...Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother's house..."

Song of Songs 3:4 (NIV)

So about a week ago, Mr.O came and presented himself to my parental unit (AKA my owners). He basically came to introduce himself (though they had met before) and inform then that they are in possession of something that he is interested in and would like to pursue a transfer of ownership at some point in the near future,

This was an experience, to say the least.

He had already presented me to his parents, a little over a month ago..probably going to two months ago. If I thought that was tough, it paled in comparison to his experience. He always told me that him taking me to his parents is extremely different from him coming to see mine. Very true.

Anyways, my owners are pretty cool. Anyone who knows them will tell you, They aren't really intimidating (though my dad does look intimidating), and they are pretty hilarious. But any set of parents can be intimidating when you come and tell them that you want to whisk their daughter away..especially when it's their only daughter. Because at the end of the day, you want to be sure you gave her away to the right man.

Mr.O has always told me that he can't "propose" to me, until he has my parents approval to do so. Makes sense. I know that this is not always possible depending on the kind of parents you have, but I think it is actually a great way to go about things. Why? Because, accountability.

My ex never actually met with my parents to declare intent to marry me. We had been together for a while, he was technically family by that point. I guess we all just sort of knew and assumed that we would get married. So when the time came, he proposed, I said yes then I went to face my owners about it. We talked at length, lots of questions, clarifications etc.. But I remember leaving that meeting thinking and wishing that he had been there. That aside, when he decided he was done, he up and left and didn't feel the need to explain himself to anyone, because he wan't really accountable to anyone.

Based on that experience, I told my owners that the next man would have to come and see them first before he asked me anything. This was way before I met Mr. O. So imagine my pleasant surprise when shortly after we begun dating, Mr. O told me that he wanted to introduce me to his parents, and once that was done, he would like to come and speak to my parents because it is important to him that both sets of parents are in agreement with the general plan before he can officially propose and thus begin planning in details. I was so wowed by this, because I didn't even ask yet it was something that was extremely important to me, and I'd always wondered how I would bring it up. This man just kept meeting and surpassing my mental checklist :-)

So anyways, the day before he was to come, we had a big fight over what we now both agree was something very stupid. I should write about this later. But we were unable to resolve it due to circumstances both within our control, and some out of our control. And so even by the time he got home, we weren't really on speaking terms as such. But I am the queen of putting on a show, and so the show went on.

The entire process went pretty well, tense at first but things got more relaxed. He was asked A LOT of questions. I was pretty much quiet the entire time up till the end when he had to declare his intentions toward me, and I was asked whether we are on the same page or I was hearing of this for the first time ;-D ... And just like that, we are all systems go. Granted the excitement of it all really only mostly settled in the next day because we had to spend a considerable amount of time that evening fixing our light-bulb (based off of one of my favorite quotes - "when a light bulb is not working, you fix the light bulb. You don't sell the house"), but it's exciting all the same.

We do have most of our plans thought out and written down, and now its pretty much trying to actualize them. I would never have imagined in a thousand years that my year would end like this. I am now really actually Mrs. O designate :-), and in a few short (or maybe long) months, I will be Mrs. O .. And this man was worth the wait. He is worth everything I have been through. He is worth the highs and the lows. He is worth the time it took to get myself back together. Worth the times I got impatient and wanted my man now-now. He is not my better half, he is my better whole. It was necessary for each of us to find God, and find ourselves before we could find each other. That would explain why we kept "missing" each other even though we were in each others lives. I finally know what it is to be with someone who compliments you, which he does in almost every way. He doesn't complete me, I am complete on my own. And so is he. That's the beauty of what we have. He is my Arctic Fox (a breed of foxes especially famous because they are monogamous and mate for life once they pick a partner) - Forever, For Always.

Love & Light

Of Seasons and Friendships

"When I loved myself enough, I begun leaving whatever wasn't healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving"

Kim McMillen

It scares me sometimes how little I struggle to let go of friendships that no longer serve me, or that I no longer serve.

Maybe this is because I started losing friends at such a young age. Most of the friends I had as a kid, who were supposed to be my best friends for life, either moved to other parts of the country or left the country. As a result, in my younger years, I had a very hard time forming attachments. Most of my friendships were for here and now, for when I can see you. Other than that, forget it.

I had a few friends though that I somehow managed to keep through the years. One of whom was very close to me, or at least I thought was very close to me. I recently put that friendship in the bin. And I have a couple of reasons as to why that happened. It was just a decision I had to make. I didn't feel it necessary to inform the other party, I just stopped trying, It was taking too much effort and I just don't believe it should really ever have to be that hard. But in this whole process I was greatly reminded of something that I learned years back

Reason Season Lifetime.

Some people come into your life for very specific reasons. Probably there to meet a very specific need and once that is done, so is their purpose in your life. There's seasonal peoples - these are in your life for a specific period. And then that's that. Then there's your lifetime people. These will weather the storms of life and they are there for good.

Funny thing is though, I have come to see that we meet most of our lifetime people as adults. Granted it would be awesome if we could carry some of our childhood friends into forever (and sometimes we do), but that rarely happens. Why? Because it takes mastery of the art of growing together without growing apart. And that is not an easy thing to do.

As I've grown older I have come to realize I need to travel lighter. Over the past year, while I was dealing with the break up, it also provided me with an opportunity to evaluate and re-define friendship. Prior to that, I had believed I had some 100 plus friends, funny how through the whole process only about 5 of them showed up and stayed. And I actually do not hold anything against anyone as far as that is concerned, I just realize that we probably never were friends to begin with.

So I have taken it upon myself to challenge myself to go above and beyond for the people I have allowed into my life as friends. To be there. To show up. Both when it is absolutely necessary for me to show up, and even when it may not seem as necessary. Granted, we are adults - we are busy, we have lots of things going on, each of us trying to figure out and set up our own lives. But you will always ALWAYS make time for the things that matter. I say make time because you will have to be intentional about it. If you leave it as a matter of finding time, it may be a while before that happens.

I choose to embrace my friends for whatever season they are in my life for. Because it is that bond that will carry me through the period that they are there for. I also celebrate those who have been here before, and no longer are I still believe your presence in my life made a difference and contributed to who I am. And even though we may be more of acquaintances than friends, I can wish you nothing but peace in your life.

All in all, just like any other relationship, friendships require work. Sometimes the ways in which we meet our friends is nothing short of miraculous. But keeping these people as our friends takes conscious effort. It wont just happen.

Love on your friends today, wont you?

Love & Light :-)

Awii

These Are The Fudamendos

Fundamendos.
This song really tickles me. I remember when it first got out and was being shared a lot on Facebook. A couple of my Christian Saved Facebook friends caught an emotion because apparently in sharing the song we are making light of and promoting promiscuity. I just thought that song was hilarious. And I still laugh every time I hear it. Every single time.

But those are not the 'fundamendos' I am referring to in this case. That's not the point of this post.

"Opposites attract, Similarities maintain"

In my stint in this world of dating (Which I really did not enjoy. I don't like dating, I really don't) I figured there's so many people who look great on paper, and leave you with such a good first impression but could never move from there. If we ever decided to get into a relationship, it would probably only last a few months or as long as we'd care to pretend it was working before admitting there was no long term hope here. And it was always because of the fundamentals.

I always used to believe the fundamentals were the big things - religion, children, marriage, education, career. But I realized with time, it actually boils down to what really matters to you. What are your priorities? What can you compromise on, and what cant you? That's what makes up the fundamentals. This can range from the very big things (or what are considered to be the big things) as I've stated above, or the little things, which may not be so little to you seeing as you would not be happy in a relationship without them.

For me, I learned that I can not be in a secret relationship. Private, yes. Secret, no. Everyone needs to know of us. Not everyone needs to know about us. Neither can I "go with the flow". You know, that awkward place where you act like you are in a relationship, but it's never been defined.  I also don't believe in taking forever to define a relationship. Religion matters to me. Marriage matters to me. There has to be an end point to the relationship, and it has to be defined and time bound. Of course there's a whole bunch of other things as well.

The thing is, sometimes you may find yourself with a person who is "great" and so you try to fix your needs and make adjustments and compromises just so that the two of you can work. And sometimes you will find that you are breaking your back for someone who isn't lifting a finger for you. Other times, you are both breaking your backs, when you really need not be.

I don't think relationships should be hard. I don't think they are supposed to be.. I actually don't enjoy listening to relationship stories of how this, that and the other battle was fought and how they overcame. It's almost as though it is constantly fighting and overcoming. Eish. You just can't be fighting and overcoming all the time. And if that's all you are up to, you are probably not as compatible as you think. I used to think those stories were cute. I don't anymore. Most of the times I hear those stories I find myself thinking "You deserve better". It's just not cute. I know I've mentioned before, I don't entirely believe in the concept of the one. There's tons of people that you can be compatible with, do your self a favor and pick the highest compatibility you can possibly get.

Of course because we are human even of you got someone that you were 98% compatible with, there will be those moments when the 2% causes D.R.A.M.A, but that should be the exception rather than the rule. And what determines compatibility? The fundamentals. Be with someone who is a fundamentally similar to you as possible. then add on the rest.

I like my relationships easy. Not the lazy kind of easy where you don't put in the work, but the kind of easy where who I naturally am and who you naturally are just blend so well together that it never feels like I am actively putting work into it. Basically, a relationship is work but I don't want my relationship to feel like a job. We live in a world full of so many mediocre things, love should NEVER have to be one of them.

Long and short - define your fundamentals. Focus on someone who shares as many of them as possible. Remember - sometimes your struggles are an indicator of how great your love is, sometimes they are just an indicator that you aren't right for each other

Love & Light :-)

Sometimes It's You..

"It's not always your EX who's an example of who you don't need to date again. Sometimes, you're that EX"

Pierre Alex Jeanty

And most of the time, you don't even realize it. Whenever it comes to relationship arguments, fights and fall-outs, we are always the good guy. Even that person who cheated on their significant other will never think it was their fault that the relationship ended.

I sometimes wonder what my ex tells his potential girlfriends (or probably even current - I really don't know if he's dating or not) when time to talk about the ex-s comes about. I am one of those ladies who has to know it all. All your ex-es (both the serious ones and the not so serious ones) and why the relationships ended. This has more to do with the guy than the ladies he dated. I realized that you can tell a lot about a person based on their previous relationships. spoiler alert - I will know when you are lying.

Seriously though - do you tell them the whole truth, half the truth, find a way to paint yourself in good light.. Is there ever fear that they will change their minds once they really know what went down. Is there fear that if you give half truths that someone who knows the full truth may one day out you? Don''t get me wrong. I'm not encouraging you to dwell on the issue of the ex. And don't delve into it looking for trouble. I just think you learn a lot more about a person from their past, and it helps shed better light as to who they are now.

There's this one guy who I knew briefly (maybe not so briefly), and he would completely refuse to talk about his ex. He'd been single for about 2 years when I met him and he and his ex had been together about a year. Anytime I would ask why that relationship ended, he would absolutely refuse to talk about it. "the past is the past" .. Ha! That for me is a BIG red flag. Almost as big as if you do not know where your man lives. And true enough, he turned out to be a total flake in the end.

So when I read the above quote, it got me thinking - how many people actually do a thorough self assessment at the end of a relationship? Were you done wrong, or did you do wrong? And even if you were done wrong, is there anything you could have done different of better? Have you walked out of that situation a better person for your next?

Or are you the ex that everyone gets warned about?

Granted, there is someone who will see the good in you and not think you acted a fool (or look past it) and want to be with you, but the truth is if you don't makes things right within you, you will act a fool again. You will find yourself repeating those very patterns that caused things to go off last time.

And if you aren't the ex that everyone keeps getting warned about - good on you. keep doing you, and keep getting better. Because everyone can always be a little more epic

So all I'm saying is - sometimes it's you. We all want a good man/woman, but just because you want a good man/woman doesn't mean you are ready for one. Introspection is very important - sometimes it's not you, but sometimes it is.

Love & Light

What's In A Ring?

"To make it - really make it - as a surgeon - it takes major commitment. We have to be willing to pick up that scalpel and make a cut that may or may not do more damage than good. It's all about being committed, because if we're not we have no business picking up that scalpel in the first place."

~Meredith Grey~

It's engagement season. Or at least, that's what I choose to call it. In a span of about 3 weeks, like 6 people I know, 4 of them friends have gotten engaged. Or received rings, because by my definition of engagement, some of them were already engaged. I think they just weren't aware :-D

This picture was doing the rounds sometime last week:

It really tickled me just how many ladies caught a feeling about this ring. A friend of mine posted this on my Facebook wall and my brother's comment had me laughing out loud - "Ladies, what's wrong with this ring?" He was super serious, by the way. He honestly didn't see an issue with it. And frankly, neither did I. But not because of the ring or the size of the "rock", it was more because of the ways in which my thought process surrounding engagements and marriage has evolved.

I believe that the way in which we have materialized engagements has really watered down the seriousness of the commitment you are getting into. When I started off, I said some of these people that got engaged were actually already engaged, they just didn't know it. How? Here's the thing - if the two of you have discussed marriage, seriously, you are on the same path as far as where this relationship is heading, you have spoken to both sets of parents/guardians, you've probably even set a date for your marriage - you are engaged. Ring or no ring. What I find ridiculous is the fact that people are unable to consider themselves engaged UNTIL they get the ring. That is a bit ridiculous to me.

Maybe its experience. Having gone through an engagement that didn't work out, I know better than anyone that him giving you that ring and planning that elaborate proposal doesn't necessarily mean that he's going to marry you. There's also that dude who may not give you a ring, but will never leave your side. What would you rather have?

So when my friend posted this on my wall, my comment was - is engagement the ring, or the commitment? Of course I added an emoji after that to lighten the mood, but the comment in itself was deadly serious.

Now I believe if you have been in a serious relationship with this man, then he will know what matters to you and will likely do his best to give you what you desire and make you happy. I just think that if your acceptance/rejection of his proposal is pegged on the ring he offers you (or lack thereof) you may not be as prepared as you would want to believe.

Of course we all want nice blingage...that's probably why we spend so much on those engagement rings and wedding bands. I just think that it needs to move beyond that. The rings are symbols of the commitment, they are not the actual commitment. They aren't. When you fight with your husband, taking off your wedding band wont make you any less married than if you had it on. The ring doesn't make the relationship, the two of you do.

I told Mr.O, the minute he gets my parents blessing to marry me, we are engaged. Ring or no ring. It doesn't really matter to me anymore. .Why? Because, by the time you are meeting my parents to seek a blessing, clearly you and I have already discussed marriage in detail. I'm already on board. Should you choose to give me a symbol of that commitment, great. I would boldly and proudly wear it, But the commitment is in my heart. In the place that no one but God sees. And that particular commitment is what holds most dear to me. That I gave you my word, and I have to hold myself accountable to that.

But then again, that's just me... :-)

Love & Light

Awii

Late Night Musings

The concept of marriage baffles me. Its just so confusing. Well, maybe confusing is not the right word. Complicated? I'll go with complicated.

Why?

I've always struggled to understand what really makes marriage. Why certain people don't feel married until they have a wedding, never mind they've been living together 10 years and have 3 kids. Who decides that you are married? I would think the two of you, but it is apparently not that simple.

A cousin of mine recently lost his wife. Currently, she is being refered to as his "wife". Why in quotes? Because no one in the family really knew he was married until he called to inform us that he'd lost his wife. (He's sort of estranged from the family). Anyways, despite the fact that theyd been together 4 years, he's not going to get to bury her. Her sister will. Why? Because he never "officially" took her. I've always struggled with this "officially taking" theory. Not that I disagree with it, it just baffles me. I don't understand how you could have built a life with someone for years, but at the end of it, it doesn't count because you never officially took them. My question has always been- is the marriage agreement between my partner and I or between my partners family and I?

Its also so strange to me how whatever relationship you have really means nothing to the world unless you have a piece of paper from the government to back it up. Until you sign that paper, no one takes your relationship seriously, no matter how serious it is to you. I remember one of the biggest struggles I had with my mum was to get her to stop referring to my boyfriend as my friend. I mean, of course he is my friend, but he's also so much more. I just always felt as though constantly calling him my friend and introducing him as my friend in some way made light of what we had.

Its just an interesting process to think about. You would think that because the marriage is between the two of you, and the two of you are the obea going to live together, that a decision between the two of you would suffice. Right? Wrong. Often when people actually do that, we call them out for doing it wrong. Doing it right is seeking our parents blessing (AKA Permission), having all these many traditional ceremonies culminating in this bloody expensive wedding which is thrown just so that for 1 minute, you can sign a piece of paper that means the government now recignizes your union.

Crazy.

Yet, that's our norm. And anything contrary feels off. I am at a place in my life where I would ve quite happy to walk to the government offices with my partner and my witnesses, sign my paper and move on with my life. But, things have to be done right. Bear in mind that there are as many definitions of right as there are people.

I met Mr.O's parents 2 days ago. It was a very interesting experience. But anyways, a lot of small talk and a lot of hard questions later, they welcomed me to their family and gave their bleasing (AKA Approval) for us to get married, and even prayed over us. I wont lie, that moment = all the feels. The whole shebang will be repeated when Mr.O comes to see my parents.

But, it was through this process that it finally hit me. We are a communal society and so whether we like it or not, you getting married will always be everyone's business. Even the process of getting your marriage legally recognized doesn't allow for you to elope (coz seriously, how is it still eloping when you have to give 21 days notice of your intent to marry?).. you cant just walk to NaxVegas and place a ring on someones finger and decide ur married and not give a hoot what anyone thinks. You aren't going to get married and live in a cocoon. You will need people. And I guess its just easier to have people if said people are all in agreement that you are married.

Still, deep in my heart I still feel like most of these things are formalities. Why? Because my decision to marry is mine. And come rainbows or hail, my partner was my choice, and I will have to deal with that. I dont think that right now my mind could be changed on a decsion to marry just because I didn't get some blessings (AKA Approvals). But then again, easier said than done ey?

Sigh.

One day, it shall make sense

Sister Sister

I don't have any sisters.

This was a fact that took me a loooong time to process and accept (I always hoped that my parents would try and get me one, but I gave up on that at around age 10).. I really needed a sister, especially in my late teenage years and early twenties. I think that was a period in my life when I could really have used a sister. I would look at the sister relationships that my friends had and feel like I was missing out on a lot.

I have a spare bed in my bedroom. i would always imagine that was my sisters bed. In my mind, my sister was older, because that's what I needed at the moment. There's days i'd come home after having a very good day, and imagine how we would probably just sit in our room and talk and laugh and giggle about it. Talk about boys, our crushes, our love lives. I imagine we would fight - about clothes, about nothing (those would be hormone initiated fights,  you know, PMS). I imagine that she would be my pillow. That on those bad days, she is the one I would cry on, instead of my pillow.

She would be a kick ass sister.

But I didn't get her. And I probably never will. But what I got in exchange is infinitely better. God knew exactly what I needed and rallied a bunch of ladies into my life who when put together, form the perfect sister.

Today, I choose to celebrate my friends. My friends who have become like my family. My friends who are my sisters. These people have laughed with me, cried with me, prayed with me, been silly with me. Some of us go way back, some of us were brought together by chance and circumstance. I celebrate each and every one of you. You are the family I got to choose, and I think I made some pretty good choices.

Too often, we take people for granted. Especially the people who are always around, no questions asked. But these people are my lifeline. They will remember the most mundane things concerning my life, and they will remember the most important things. They will ask all the hard questions, cause me to think and challenge myself and they also still accept me as I am, flaws and all. I am blessed to count each of you as part of my life. They are also the most avid readers of this my blog - which I am convinced is just read my me and them :-D

I may not know what it means or how it feels to have a sister, but I think I got an amazing deal.

And also, to my new baby sister - I can't wait to get to know you. And since I know you don't have a sister either, I hope that I can be the sister you always hoped to have. :-)

Love & Light

:-)

The Victory Dance

I always thought that when I finally met someone I would call (or text..most likely text) the ex (all the ex's actually) and be all "in your face!" about it. I thought it would finally be able to dance and tell them that I actually am a great catch. I've always known I am, I think I just needed to flaunt it to them. This had been my plan, for like a full year.

Then Mr. O happened, and that plan suddenly felt very shallow.

You know every break up is somehow secretly and subconsciously a competition. A competition to see who will recover first, who will move on first, who will move on to a "better" partner. The works. And I will admit, this was one competition that I honestly wanted to win. In the beginning. I felt that it was my right to win it. Why? Because, I was wronged. I'm the one who was done wrong, so I did not think that it would be in any way fair that he gets to move on first. Yet, it never really seemed to bother me. Like I would never (and have never) gone out of my way to find out whether he moved on, and if he had, who he had moved on with. I just kept waiting for when it would happen to me.

And happen it did. Yet when it did,  I felt nothing about flaunting it to him. At all. I even recall that there was a certain function I was to attend with Mr. O, and I knew he would be there so I opted out because I didn't want to come look like I was flaunting it. People didn't get it. But I am sooo happy in my little #TeamO world, that nothing else seemed to matter.

And so I realized that I did win. But not against him. And it wasn't a competition after all, but still I had won. I had won my own happiness.  I didn't want to prove to anyone that someone out there could decide to be with me and marry me. I realized that winning my happiness meant that I could decide to be with someone and marry them just as much as they wanted to be with me. That I could decide to be with someone who pushes me to be the best version of myself that I could possibly be, and they feel that I equally do the same for them. That I could be with someone who is not threatened by the woman that I am, by my achievements and ambition, but chooses to celebrate it and even to push that agenda and still love me unconditionally. It wasn't about sitting around and waiting for someone to chooses me, I too was an active participant in that process. Anyone could choose me and want to be with me, but I had to choose them too. I had to want to be with them too. No points to prove to anybody, just a decision between the two of us. And that's what winning my happiness means to me.

So today, I choose to celebrate and do my victory dance because I won my happiness. And that can not be taken from me by anyone for anything. I owe myself a victory dance, and dance I will :-)

Love & Light :-)

Release

"The hardest part isn't saying goodbye, its letting go of the expectations the one you loved couldn't live up to. its the wondering what if for the rest of your life, what if they could have just been who i thought they were. What if everything could have been the way i saw it in my dreams. The hardest part was never saying goodbye, the hardest part for me was always allowing my dreams to die"

~Unknown~

I have no idea who wrote that quote, but I read it and for me, it was the truth. For those who know me well, they know I got over my ex pretty fast. I generally get over people really fast. I think what took the longest for me to deal with was all the dreams I had that I had to get over alongside getting over him.

They say that God's plans are always better and more beautiful than any disappointments you have ever had. I guess I now know that to be true. I really do wish I would have been able to buy it from the very beginning.

It took a lot of time to let go of all the dreams and plans that I had for myself and to fully embrace that God had something better for me in store. I actually said that a lot. To a lot of people. But I am not sure if I 100% believed it.

But through my process I finally came to learn that it is only when you fully let go of the plans you had for yourself, that God's plan for you can eventually begin to fall in place.

I absolutely love something that Mr.O wrote me in a letter a couple of days back "I know you have experienced pain in your life and so have I. These challenges and hardships experienced have brought us to such a time when it is You and I. The pain, the hardship has built you and I for the better....if all I have been through was so that I can be with you, its all been well worth it. No regret, just relief that you are finally here..."

Crazy as it may be, it's true. I read this and remember thinking that the best thing that ever happened to me, was for him to leave. It didn't feel that way then, it didn't feel that way for a long time after that. But I get it now. I get that God had a plan that was bigger than anything I could have possibly ever imagined.

You will always be able to dream new dreams and rebuild what was broken. There's so many ways that life can play out, its probably best not to be too stringent with yourself. We plan, God laughs. I've seen that in action. But even when you feel lost, even when you feel like your dreams have been stolen from you- God sees you. The God we lean on, He sees every tear, He hears every question and He restores. He may not restore in the way that we think or hope He will, but He restores all the same. And it will be so much more than what you could imagine. Even the "smallest" of God's plans is bigger and more beautiful than any disappointment you have ever faced.

So whatever situation it is that you are in where you are struggling to say goodbye to your dreams, release them. Remember, you can't open your hands to receive a gift if they are still closed clinging on to something else.

Love & Light

:-)

#TeamO

"I fell in love with him like you fall asleep - slowly, then all at once"

The Fault in Our Stars

I have never been a big believer in fate or destiny. Or that two people had their stories written out for them in the stars. Or in the concept of the one. That's never been me. For me, love has always been about a series of decisions and choices.  Relationships are held together by choice, not by feeling. Believe it or not.

So for me it was always - You saw me, I saw you. You liked me, I liked you. We decided to be together. We made it work. Sounds pretty unromantic, ey? Hehehe.. But in summary, I just believed two people were together because they chose to be together.

But as stories unfold I realize, that maybe it is possible that two people's stories can be written out for them way before they ever knew it. And that it was so important for  them to be together, that even choices they made that would have led them away from each other still found a way to bring them together.

This isn't everyone's story though. We may at times wish we all had the fairy tale story, or the one in the amazing movie we watched. Some of our stories are pretty normal, almost boring even. Some sound like they were scripted for a movie, maybe even a series. Whatever your story, embrace it. Because the most beautiful thing about relationships is that each relationship is as unique as the two people in it. And that's the one thing no one can take away from you.

As it turns out, there was a story being written for me. And it's been in the works for over two years. I was just never aware of it. Neither was he. And then I became aware of it, but he still wasn't aware. And then he became aware.

And life changed. DRASTICALLY.

It's a lot of change, but it's beautiful change. It's a lot of adjustment, but it's beautiful adjustment. And I am extremely grateful for it. There are a million and one things all going on at the same time, but it is exciting to watch it all unfold. And even more exciting to finally be able to talk about it :-)


We are #TeamO :-)

PS: If you haven't watched the Fault in Our Stars and you're a sucker for mushy movies, please do.. It's soooo worth it. (not that it has anything to do with #TeamO's story!)

Hopeful Romantics Association

"And you can tell who's never been loved before, because no matter how it ended, a person that's really been loved, still believes in it."

Rob Hill, Sr

I used to be a hopeless romantic. Used to be.

This doesn't mean that I am not a romantic anymore, I just think of myself more as a hopeful romantic these days.

Because there's hope. My dreams are valid :-)


I switched from being a hopeless romantic because it sort of felt as though that meant there was really no hope for the things I believe in. However, I have been privileged to meet a few people who have shown me that there is hope.

I am such a romantic. Trust me, I don not demand anything that I am unable or unwilling to give. I know relationships go through phases and the excitement settles down, which is inevitable, but I REFUSE to believe that means that the romance should die.


Love, I have come to learn, is a series of PRE-PLANNED, PREMEDITATED, PRE-THOUGHT actions. Love is patient, Love is Kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. People, those characteristics are not feelings, they are choices. They are not nouns (that is, naming words), they are verbs (doing words). Actions that you have to consciously decide to do. Daily.

Love is not magical, Love is intentional.

I believe in being intentional about my love. I have come to learn that there is so much that can get in the way, and so many things that can take over and most often than not, the person who bears the brunt of most of it is the person who shouldn't. Your partner.

The problem with a person like me is that when you pursue me, I encourage you to set realistic goals for yourself. Because you will be EXPECTED to maintain the standards you've set. However, the most important thing to me is time. Love =  Time. Time is the language you speak to me if you love me. You will never be able to convince me you care about me if you have no time for me. And that’s the major thing I ask for, and that’s the reason why I call myself a high maintenance girl. I'm high maintenance because I want your most valuable asset – your time.

Sure in the beginning it may be magical. It’s easy. Very easy. Because you are excited. You’re happy and being with this person comes oh so naturally to you. It’s kind of like when you have a new job. It’s exciting. You get up early in the morning and you’re just rearing to go.

But soon, the excitement begins to fade. And that manifests in many ways. You still love/care about the person, but you suddenly begin to think that it’s ok if I only talk to them once a day, its ok if I only see them once every other week. And that’s the point at which you need to take control and become intentional about your love.

Here’s the thing – a relationship is a job. Yes, it is full time work. Most people don’t like to think of it that way, but that doesn’t make it any less true. I honestly believe that if we put as much intentional efforts into their love as they did into their jobs or other things that they are passionate about, a whole lot of these things would work out a lot better.

I believe in love. A whole lot. I believe in relationships, I believe in romance, I believe in finding my somebody and building a life of memories together. I believe in all these things because just like I have made a choice to believe in them, I have made a choice to live them. I am incurably a Hopeful Romantic. Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it? Absolutely!

Try it, I dare you.

".... yet if i could do it all over again 

id do it in the same skin I'm in 

to lay down and let love die 

just stay down and let love lie? 

no, no..not i 

id stay around and let love fly 

even though i have seen its darkest form 

deceit 

nothing else could taste this warm 

or feel this sweet..."

Stuck!!

Writers block is real.

I am in this place where I feel like I have a lot of things to say, I just don't know how to say them. I have started and stopped about 5 different posts over the last 3-4 days.. I have figured, better quit while I am ahead.

On the bright side, what that means is soon I will just unleash like 5 different posts like that hehehe :-)

I  guess there's just been A LOT  going on, most of which I am still trying to wrap my mind around. And I have very suddenly found myself in a place where some very important decisions need to be made, and they need to be made fast. Life can take a 360 degree turn on you in just one day. But I like the changes coming my way, and I'm sure I shall be able to share them soon. I think the problem is that my life is a buzz  with amazing news, to the extent that nothing else feels as important as that right now. And I don't feel like talking about anything else other than that right now. But it's also not yet 100% the time for me to talk about it just yet. Sigh.

I figure sometimes people can get onto here expecting something super deep... eeeh.. not today. I know sometimes I can be soooo deep, but sometimes I just like to rumble.. Small talk.. And luckily for me, not many people read this my little collection of thoughts tooo often ;-)

Basically, I'm just here to say that I am still alive. I have not drowned.

My deep self shall be back soon :-)

In the meantime - this is my jam for the past two weeks, enjoy :-)

Love & Light,

Awii

Step Up!

I was reading a piece by one of my favorite prose writers - Rob Hill Sr. This was too good not too share. He took the words right out of my heart, and put them on paper. Enjoy :-)

Step Up

Don’t over think yourself out of something special. Not everything needs to be controlled. You can’t get so busy looking for ‘more’ that you miss what you’re really supposed to see. If you find a man willing to be honest about his mistakes or a woman strong enough to be secure in her flaws, you have somebody special and somebody worth working for. Don’t get caught up in looking for perfect because that search will fail you every single time. You can’t be scared to let yourself be happy. You can’t be scared to step up and take a chance.

Stop worrying about things you can’t control, there’s no way to connect the dots going forward. It takes going through some serious things for us to really get what we need. Without the lies you wouldn’t appreciate truth. Without the games you wouldn’t appreciate genuine intentions. Without the test you wouldn’t know your strength. Stop justifying the reason you have a wall up and ask God for courage and discernment so your heart doesn’t have to hide. Heartbreak is apart of life, not the end of it. Stop using failed relationships as excuses to be cold, pessimistic, and selfish. Nothing about love is easy and you’re not the only person who’s ever been hurt before. There’s somebody out there wondering the same things you’re wondering, feeling those same emotions that you’re feeling, and they’re scared just like you are. So who’s going to step up?

In reality, we all want the same things. We all want somebody who isn’t like everybody else, somebody who isn’t doing what everybody else does, and somebody who isn’t thinking like everybody else thinks. No woman wants a follower in a man. No man wants a groupie in a woman. We all want the same things but we’re all stuck playing the same games because nobody wants to step up. Somehow, we’ve all become content with losing emotionally, it’s like we’re so used to the pain that happiness has become a myth. It would be a beautiful day if being a free thinker, a genuine lover, and strong enough to handle hurt ever came in style; but it won’t because asking people to step up for love is asking too much, right?

Wrong, regardless of what most think, love shouldn’t be exhausting. It shouldn’t leave you feeling stressed out, less than, and unappreciated. Love is supposed to be free, natural, and almost a complete release from the monotony and routines of life. Real love won’t leave you drained, it won’t leave you depressed, lost, or distraught. Love is a healer, love is a friend, and love is a protector. Loving isn’t easy, it’s a challenge, but when it’s good, it’s a treasure. Real love won’t break you, it will build you and it will bring out the best in you. Stop letting bitter people define love for you, be willing to experience it for yourself, be willing to step up!

Now of course you don’t have to force things, if it’s not your time then it’s just not your time. Don’t put to much pressure on things just for the sake of having “something.” If the relationship isn’t fulfilling, incredibly passionate, and fun then it’s a waste of time. Sure good things come around, but “good” doesn’t always last. Be the person who wants a great thing that keeps getting better.

Expect the process of building something special to be a challenge, expect some hard days, but in the end, expect it all to be worth it. After all, the movies can’t be the only place where things go right, can they? Deep down, we all have our own love story to live and we can’t let life’s journey steal it from us. Sure it’s tough trying to open up, but be willing to risk your happiness before you ever settle for hiding behind your fears. You have to want more than “Damn y’all still together”; don’t stop giving until you hear, “Damn y’all inspire me to love harder.” So who’s going to step up?

Friendzoned!!

So I am sitting in the salon under a drier. I'm not a big fan of going to the salon, don't let my gorgeous hair fool you- that's just good genes :-D .. Anyways, I always try to find something to keep me busy so that the time can just fly by, and today I found myself revisiting a whatsapp chat with a friend of mine. For some reason, I never delete texts or chats, I really don't know why. I just like having them there. And I text/chat a lot. Sometimes they just make for good entertainment.

Back to my friend.

I've known him for about two and a half years now. When we met, my ex and I were still together. But this man struck me. Like whoa, who are you? First, he is EXTREMELY good looking, but beyond that- he has a beautiful mind. Ibhave a thing for men who have a good head on their shoulders. Who have Vision and ambition in equal measure and who work hard. We hit it off (almost- i was too shy to yalk to him at first, took almoat two months before we actually started talking) instantly, but I never quite got as deep into it as I could have for obvious reasons. So we'd talk on and off till when I got engaged and our communication sort of died. Then picked up again post break up. We have one of those friendships where you can go 2 years without speaking and then just pick up where you left off.

So as I am sitting here going through our chat, I come across one particular day where we had quite an interesting talk about the friendzone. So here I am telling this ninja how I feel like he has friendzoned me. (Yeah, I have this tendency to speak my mind). And he laughs. And I'm like seriously though.. now this is what I learned through that convo: there is such a thing as being too good a friend.

What?

Yes.

Apparently, I have the tendency to be too good a friend. At least according to him. So I get into the trouble of starting to explain how I believe that all the best relationships are based on friendships blah blah blah. Then he goes "yes. But there's friendship, then there's friendship with a purpose."

Turns out, in the process of forming a friendship, there's a way that you can sell yourself that communicates friendship only, and then there's a way that you can sell yourself that communicates that you want to be friends but you're also looking for something more. And that's what friendship with a purpose is.

Aha. So all along here I was trying to be a friend when that's not the only thing I should be offering. I know some of you are thinking "duh", but hear me out.

I've never been a big believer in the friendzone, mostly because I have a tendancy to date my friends/people I already know. Basically it will likely be someone who I already have a foundation with, then we just decide to make more of it. I think the friendzone is unnecessarily vilified. Why? You may spend time on end looking for someone, yet the best person for you is right under your nose. You know- that person who has been a constant in your life. One of your biggest supporters and critics in equal measure. Has shared in your happiest moments and has been there in some of your lowest. That person who you always have to tell about the stuff happening with you. They may not necessarily be the first person you tell, but they are on your list. That person could easily be the person you need, yet they are the person you ignore.

Why?

My theory is that in the same measure that the friendzone has been vilified, relationships have been over-romanticized. Is romance important? Definitely. But for me, a relationship is all about doing life together. Finding a partner is about finding someone you can do life with. The butterflies wont always last. The laughter may not always be there. There's days you wont even like this person and you'll find yourself questioning the very basis of your being together. You know what will carry you through those days - friendship.

Now this is not to say that you should get together with anyone who is your friend just because they are your friend yet you have not even an ounce of any form of attraction toward them. That is sentencing yourself to misery. What I'm saying is that there are some people who are in your friendzone simply because you have managed to talk yourself out of a good thing. So maybe, just maybe you need to re-evaluate. You can't walk around telling me that there are nonmen when you have like 50 male friends..

So after that we go into talking about his farm (he's a farmer. A super sexy one at that.) and he tells me how he wants to name the farm Rafiki Farm in my honor. I told him "Thanks, but no thanks. Not until the purpose has refused. :-D"

So I am now learning how to be a friend with a purpose :)

You Are Worth The Chase

"He who finds a wife, finds what is good and obtains favor from the Lord."

Proverbs 18:22

Anyone who knows me, and i think I've mentioned it here before as well, knows that I don't like being single. I am really not about this life. I'm not desperate. I just don't like it. Maybe it is because I was in a relationship for so long.. Actually I'm pretty sure that's it.

But anyways. The thing that I know gets frustrating is when I sit and begin to wonder why there are no men approaching me. Or rather, no men worth their salt. Especially when I know a few REALLY good men, who just seem to be sitting there doing nothing. They aren't chasing anyone else.. so what are they waiting for?

And the temptation to get them to "see" me gets very real. And it's very easy to find yourself in a position where you are now the one pursuing this guy. You are working overtime to get him to see that he should be with you. But the thing is this - honey, you are worth the chase. I'm not saying sit back and do nothing (Remember- you can't lock yourself in your bedroom and expect to get a man). I'm saying let that man chase you. If you are the one busy planning all your meet ups, and pushing things around to see him, calling and texting - basically if it is all on you, it's time to move on to the next. And you will never know how much you are worth the pursuit, till you meet a man that is wholly and genuinely pursuing you.

And this is why I put that verse at the top. It gives me three basic reasons that I use to slap myself into reality anytime I'm tempted to take the lead. I need to remember, I am worth the pursuit. And the man who recognizes that, is the man that I want pursuing me.

1. He who FINDS: 

the verse is clear- brother man needs to find me. HE needs to lead this process of finding me. I honestly believe that if he has trouble leading the pursuit, he will probably have trouble leading a lot of other things in future. Let him do it. Stop chasing.

2. He who finds A wife: 

If this man is pursuing you, it needs to be only you. A. Singular. One. Only You. If this man is hot on your heels, as well as your neighbors- stop. If he thinks you are truly worth it, he will have no distractions. You should be the focus of it because you are worth it. A man who is focused on one thing has no room for distractions.

3. He who finds a WIFE - 

That pursuit needs to have a purpose. I am not going to define what that purpose is, but there needs to be a reason as to why he wants to be with you. No grey areas. Grey areas always leave a lot of room for disappointment due to lack of accountability. Stop "hanging out" with him, let him make clear what the intention of this "hanging out" is he could be "hanging out" with you, and actively pursuing someone else.


But I think it's also pretty important to remember - it is quite possible that the reason that man is not pursuing you is that he's just not that into you :-)

That Awkward Moment...

One of the hardest things I have had to go through is talking about the break up to new “potentials”

Not that I struggle with talking about it, it’s their reaction. It always gets EXTREMELY awkward after that.

Sometimes it makes me wonder if that is something that should probably be kept hidden, but on the other hand it sort of filters those who are serious and those who are not – consoling myself that any man who gets scared off is probably not the man for me.

For many of them, hearing that I was with someone for 4 years and was engaged and that I’m not even the one who ended the relationship tends to be very heavy to swallow. Why? Well, some of them decide (without asking me) that there is NO WAY I could possibly be over him, or over the relationship. Others think that because of that, I am definitely completely ready for marriage and if they feel like they can’t offer that, they shy off.

Am I ready for marriage? Absolutely. I think I have mentioned this before. I am not looking for a boyfriend; I am looking for a husband. What I mean is that I'm not necessarily after the"just good to have somebody around" kinda relationship- you know, when you want to have someone in your life, but are not necessarily ready for marriage... yeah. A boyfriend is a means to an end. Meaning you just have to be my boyfriend in order for us to get married. But I’m not looking to be in a dating relationship for anything longer than a year and a half. And this is something I am usually very open about from the word go. If you aren't really ready to settle- I'm probably not the girl you are looking for, and that's fine.

However, there is nothing that annoys me as much as when people decide for me where my heart is at as far as this past relationship is concerned. I am a very “as is” person. If I tell you I’m over it- believe me. If I wasn't, I wouldn't even be sitting at a date with you or talking to you for any reason.

When I share this aspect of my life, I don’t do it because I feel that I owe anyone an explanation. I don’t. I do it because, unfortunately, it is a part of my life. And whether I/we like it or not it will have certain impacts on the relationship that will be had. On a personal level, I am a great believer in love and happy endings but I will be the first to admit that it can be quite difficult to give your heart away fully to someone when you aren't too sure that it will be well taken care of. On another level, this new man is going to face quite some challenges when it comes to marrying me because everyone around me may not make it as easy. He may need to work twice as hard because no one wants that to happen again. And so if people are hard on him for whatever reason, I want him to be aware why they are being so hard. If I am not in any particular hurry to introduce him to friends and family, I also want him to understand why. I need him to know that my heart is extremely precious to me, and if he gets me to commit it to him, he needs to take responsibility for that.

I know what I am worth. And I know that I am worth it. But unfortunately, I can’t force anyone to see that. I’m extremely excellent at marketing myself, and I could probably talk anyone out of any doubts they had, but I’m too grown up for that nonsense. If you can’t figure that out on your own, well then… My theory is that if I Had to “talk” you into a relationship, I’ll probably have to “talk” you through it all the time.

So I’m not going to hide it. I’m not ashamed of it. I am a product of everything that has happened to me. And I own that. It makes me a gem. And hopefully, someone will someday see exactly that.

No deep lessons here today, I mostly just needed to vent :)

The One That Almost (Always) Got Away

This story is inspired by real events.. (Duh!)

I believe in timing. Mostly because I have seen it's effect in my life in lots of ways. I believe there is such a thing as the right thing at the wrong time, the wrong thing at the right time, the right thing at the right time and the wrong thing at the wrong time. You catch my drift.

The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but time and chance happen to them all.

Time and Chance.

I have this one particular person in my life whom time and chance seem to be our worst enemies. And an eventful weekend inspired this post.

I don't believe in love at first sight, but if I did, it would probably look a lot like what happened with us. He's been in my life a loooong time. Long before even he who came and stayed 4 years and left. I've known him about seven years now. But timing. Timing refused.

This guy is honestly one of my best friends, granted our friendship has been on and off through the years because of this timing thing. I could go without speaking to him for two years, and when we meet it will just pick up where it left off. Like an entire book could be written about our story, seriously. But timing.

There always seems to be something in the way. Either I'm with someone, or he's with someone, or we loose touch (most often than not because other people are involved). The last time we lost touch was when my previous relationship got pretty serious and more so when I got engaged. Then it ended and I was to involved with fixing myself to reach out. Then somehow, someway, our paths crossed again. And I thought, maybe, just maybe, this time the stars have aligned in our favor. Or not. It doesn't help that we look, and feel, right together. Like if we were to be in a relationship, it would probably be to get engaged and get married. He's not the kind of person that I would need to figure out if I can spend a life with, I already know. Same applies on his end. I mean, if we haven't figured that out over the past 7/8 years, ummmm....

But I am at a point in my life where I am completely averse to drama. I can not deal with it anymore, because life should not have to be that complicated. Yet sometimes it just is. My friend was just telling me that my life is like a soap opera - like the things that happen to me only happen to people in movies and series... And it doesn't feel that way sometimes. Either that or I make really poor decisions. But hey, it makes for entertaining reading :-D

Timing.

It's easy to underestimate how important a good thing at the right time is. It could make the difference between life and death. I know about 3 couples who never worked out, not because they were't right for each other, but because they weren't right for each other right now. It's crazy, I remember on of the ladies telling me how maybe if they'd waited another two years, it would have worked. One of those couples re-connected after about 4 years and are doing great. Timing.

But the events surrounding this particular person just got me thinking - we may think we would be great together, but is the constant bad timing the universe or God's way of telling us otherwise?

It's just frustrating. There's no deep lesson here... just me ranting :-)

A Love Song For No One

Today is my birthday.

25.

I had hoped that life would be a little different from what it is now, but you know.. things don't always go according to plan. And still, I feel like the good and the not so good in my life currently cancel each other out :-)

I rarely make birthday wishes, but this year I do have one. And it's one that is very dear to my heart. And I do pray that this is the year it finally comes through. Because at some point, you do get tired of all the "almosts" and near misses... It is time.

Staying home alone on a Friday

Flat on the floor looking back

On old love

Or lack thereof

After all the crushes are faded

And all my wishful thinking was wrong

I'm jaded

I hate it 

I'm tired of being alone

So hurry up and get here

So tired of being alone

So hurry up and get here 

Searching all my days just to find you

I'm not sure who I'm looking for

I'll know it

When I see you

Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom

Staying up all night just to write

A love song for no one 

I could have met you in a sandbox

I could have passed you on the sidewalk

Could I have missed my chance

And watched you walk away? 

You'll be so good

You'll be so good for me

Happy Birthday to me... May this be my best year yet :-)

A Pot Belly Still Gives Good Loving...

"Even though I have fat thighs, flabby arms, a pot belly still gives good loving.."

Freshly Ground

This was not the post that was planned for today. But #fakeskin #fakeboobs running rampant all over social media caught my attention.

So one of our so called socialites got a boob job. And she's darn proud of it. I actually admire that confidence. Like she goes MIA for two weeks, re-surfaces and flashes her brand new pair of twinnies. Said socialite has also undergone skin lightening. Yes, apparently there's a difference between skin lightening and bleaching. She also got a permanent pair o fake lashes quite sometime back.

And all this got me thinking  - if you had the money and opportunity to "improve" yourself, would you?

About two weeks ago, someone else that I follow on Instagram (a YouTuber) addressed a boob job that she got that people had been speculating about for a while. The thing is, it was so subtle, I hadn't even noticed it until she brought it up. In addressing it she said "anyone who's followed my journey knows that this is a part of me that I have always been insecure about, and I finally decided to do something about it. This is for me, it has nothing to do with anyone else. I love it. My husband loves it. And that's good enough."

It was a whole monologue but I remember finishing it and thinking, wow- do you boo boo.

And in some ways I get where these people are coming from. We live in a brutal world. And I know different people get enhancements for different reasons- for example, our socialite says she lightened her skin because she makes more money as a light skin than a dark skin, and I'm she got the boob job for the same reason. The YouTuber on the other hand had the boob job done because it's something she has always been insecure about and decided to fix it.

Whether I agree or disagree is hard to say. In fact, it feels almost hypocritical. I find myself more sympathetic to the one who did it to fix her insecurities as opposed to the one who did it to make money. I know people who have had reductions done as well, would we treat them with the same judgment?

Here's the thing- I was bullied in primary school because of how I looked. I was bigger than the other kids (though looking back on photos, I wasn't even fat- I just had a bigger frame,and I was tall). I also used to get really bad allergy reactions on my skin. I would swell up and get hives all over and blisters filled with pus, it was nasty. And the bullying was at the hands of only two people, but they were the "queen bees". I never talked about it, but it really broke me inside till one day I woke up and decided that  I wasn't going to school. I felt ugly. I believed I was. I remember during one of my therapy sessions (I was only about 10 then), my counselor had me stand in front of a mirror, look at myself and tell myself that I am beautiful. And I looked at myself and just started crying. That's how unattractive I felt. Right now I have a crazy high self esteem, and that took lots of counselling plus working on myself.

But back then if you offered me the chance to get a liposuction done- i would! And I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Right now, nah.. I think my body is actually at it's sexiest right now. I love it, the men love it (*wink, wink*)plus I made peace with the fact that this is who I am. My doctor told me due to my bone structure, I can probably never be skinny.. At best I could be size 12/14. I've lost some weight, I'm down one dress size and still going down a bit, but the thing is it has nothing to do with who I am. The changes going on on the outside, have very little to do with what I am on the inside

Anyways, at the end of it all I just feel that we have collectively as a society pushed people to go to certain lengths to achieve a look that is "acceptable" and then we are the same people who turn around and bash them for it... You can't win these things!

What to do then?

Love you. You have just got to love you. From deep down within. The way Kanye West loves Kanye West. Because if you do not love yourself, nothing you do on the outside will make you feel better about yourself. There's people who've lost tons of weight and became even unhappier than when they were big. They say they'd look in the mirror and not even know who that was. If you don't know yourself on the inside, you will always struggle with what's on the outside.Your body is not static, it is bound to change. You will get kids, you will fall sick, you will have bad eating habits, you'll shed weight and so on and so forth. And if you have no value attached to who you are and what you have to offer devoid of how you look, this will always be a huge struggle for you.

Your validation should never come from what you look like. Your value should come from your soul. Your soul is the real you. The you that will remain pretty constant through the changing seasons of life. Invest in it, grow it, love it.
 
After all, there is no make up for an ugly soul.

Online Dating

"If you want something you have never had, you have to do something you have never done"

Wueh!

I'll just start there. I will say this- there are a lot of men in this world. A LOT. Fine, Fine men. Shemar Moore men. If you are not finding a man, I would suggest you remove yourself from that cocoon that you spend all  your time in and venture out. After all, you can't keep doing things the same way and expect different results.

Let me start by explaining how I ended up on the interwebs.

I'd been with him for such a long time, our lives sort of almost became intertwined. His friends were mine, my friends were his. We lived not too far from each other, so we spent a considerable amount of our free time together. During the week, I was at work full day and then in school after work so I'd leave home at about 6:30 AM and get back at about 9:00 PM, by which time I was too tired to have any meaningful conversation with anyone anyways. My weekends were spent mostly at church, and with him. And then we got engaged and wedding planning took up a considerable chunk of my time, so I had to cut back on some of my responsibilities at church because it was becoming too difficult to  juggle everything.

So anyways, point is, when he left, I suddenly found myself with nothing to do. Especially over the weekends. Weekdays were not too bad because work and school kept me heavily occupied, but weekends were bad. That was often when the loneliness would really hit.

Now, by the time this online thing happened- I had moved on. Some people would argue it was too soon, but for me, moving on is a decision not a feeling. A post for another day :-)
Back to the main point-, I was ready to meet a man. And start dating again. Not because I was lonely, but more because I was just ready. I wasn't thrilled about it- the dating part. It was something I had hoped I would never have to do again. It can be exciting, but it can also be cumbersome. For me, it's a means to an end and so I often want it to pass by as fast as possible. For the record- I have no interest in doing a four year relationship EVER AGAIN. In fact, I don't even encourage people to. But that's just me.

The challenge I faced at this point was where to meet a man. I didn't see it happening with any man from my church, because  to  most of them I was "damaged goods". And I get it. It's hard to approach someone whose whole relationship you saw form and unravel (This was actually said to me- it's not stuff I'm making up in my head, unfortunately). School- not happening. Work- I'm the only single person in my workplace so clearly...

Then my cousin floated this idea of online dating.

So with his help, I tried a couple of sites, most were just a joke. Especially local ones. Wah! Some things would scar you for life. But fact remains, there's a lot of men out here. But there's also just as many creeps. So you need to be really careful. But the being  careful part can be tricky, because in the world of online dating- you only get back as much as you put out there. If you are sketchy, you'll get sketchy. If you are real, you'll get real. Or sometimes sketchy still.

Anyways, it was quite the adventure. I will say this though- being there and doing that is one thing that actually really helped me feel lovable again. Don't get me wrong-  I know that I'm pretty, and smart and an all round great catch (yeah, I have a super high self esteem), But I was really beginning to wonder if I would ever find a man who would see me. Really see me. Beyond everything that had happened, because unfortunately it scares a lot of guys away. There's so many genuine guys with genuine hearts. Turns out when I sit and wonder where all the men are, there's 3 guys out there also wondering where all the women are..

But beyond looking for my Mr. Right, I actually made a lot of new friends from all over the world. So I now have random people that I can randomly chat with whenever we feel like, which is pretty cool. I've made some real life friends and its always funny to watch people's reactions when I introduce someone and tell them we met online :-)

Interacting with these people also really opened up my mind. For the first time ever, I actually found myself seriously pondering on issues such as whether I'd be willing to up and go to another country for a man, whether I could do a long distance relationship, whether I could even get into a relationship with someone I've actually never met. Meeting these people filled me with wanderlust. The world is so big and so amazing and filled with so much to be seen and experienced, and I would love to see and experience it all.

I believe in praying for a partner, but I also believe in strategic placement. That man will not find you behind your closed bedroom door. Unless of course he's come to fix your light bulb. Get out there, do something. Try out new things, hang out in new places, get acquainted with new people. Try a new church. (I know I did, but it was about more than finding a man!). Check out the other floors in your office building. Smile at someone in traffic. If where you are is not giving you the results you want, try something different. But those lines you draw don't just keep other people out, they keep you in.

Get. Out. Of. Your. Bubble.

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So you can waste your life drawing lines… or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross. Here’s what I know: If you’re willing to take the chance, the view from the other side… is spectacular."

PS: If it's something you would be willing to try, I'll let you know what some of the more legit sites are. BUT, remember- it works differently for different people :-)

Forgiveness Is A Marathon

There’s an end to every storm. Once all the trees have been uprooted. Once all the houses have been ripped apart. The wind will hush. The clouds will part. The rain will stop. The sky will clear in an instant and only then, in those quiet moments after the storm, do we learn who was strong enough to survive it.

I thought I was going to do one post on acceptance, but my whole life is sort of about acceptance. Acceptance is my journey to moving on, acceptance is moving on. Acceptance is my journey to forgiveness, acceptance is forgiveness. Acceptance is meeting someone new. Acceptance is getting married. Acceptance is changing jobs. Acceptance is finishing school.

Acceptance is my life.


But the one thing though that kept getting thrown at me was this - have you forgiven him. So I'll talk a little bit about that.

That was a tough question to answer. In all honesty, it still is a tough question to answer. But the reasons as to why it is a tough question to answer have greatly changed over time.

In the beginning, I was really mad at him. I was extremely bitter. My anger toward him and what he had done almost consumed my life. I cussed him out, I wished him terrible terrible things. I never EVER wanted to hear his name mentioned near or around me. I never wanted anything to do with anyone that had anything to do with him.

It was bad.

And so, back then, my automatic answer was no. No I hadn't forgiven him. And what did people care anyways whether I'd forgiven him or not. At that point, I remember one person telling me that one of the ways I could work through it was to pray for him. Ha! My response - "If you think he needs the prayers so much, YOU pray for him" (That still tickles me to date!)
I was unforgiving, and I was extremely unapologetic about it.

With time though, he moved out of my heart. And out of my head. And generally out of my life. He would never cross my mind, he stopped coming up in conversation. Things that used to hold so much sentimental value became just that- things. I have never laid eyes on him since that day. I always think somehow life has just found a way to ensure our paths don't cross. Back then it was probably because I might have ended up beating him to pulp. Right now it might be because I just don't see the point, so life has kept him away.

He stopped being a part of my life. And as such, I sort of, inadvertently, blocked him from my mind.

So when a couple of months ago I was faced with the very same question "Have you forgiven him", I thought about it for a minute and my answer was "I don't know". And I honestly don't.He doesn't occupy enough of my thought for me to know whether I have forgiven him or not. And what does forgiveness mean anyways? Like seriously, that's the question I often found myself asking. And of course I've received all the know it all about how not forgiving him is highly unchristian-like and so on and so forth. But the funny thing is that I actually don't care. I really, genuinely stopped caring about peoples opinions. Just one of those things that changed about me.

I can't say whether I have forgiven him or not. I don't know. I honestly do not know. Some would argue that would mean that I haven't, that's their opinion. All I know is that he doesn't live in my head. He doesn't live in my heart. And that's good enough for me.

And you have no idea how incredibly freeing that is.

Forgiveness is a marathon, not a sprint. You aren't competing with anyone. And you have no point to prove. Forgiveness is more about you, than it is about the other person. Forgiveness is more for you than it is for the other person. So take your time. It is your journey. Because if you get this aspect of your journey wrong, you will turn into one bitter person, always mad at the world for everything in general and nothing in particular. Give it your own parameters. Do what works for you.

Run your race. And hold your head up high while you do it.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda...

Do you know the one thing all your "failed" relationships have in common? You.

Yep. You.

First off, failed is in quotes for lack of a better word. Think of it more as all your relationships that didn't work out :) (It's important because someone I once shared this with told me "that relationship didn't fail, it just didn't work out" LOL! Guess some people just dislike the word fail)

Bargaining.

From the time he left I had never once though of getting back together. But if he came back during this period, I just might have considered it. Or not.

In as much as I was still dealing with my pain on the side, I was in a much better place. There's times I would genuinely have good days. I didn't feel guilty about smiling or laughing or being happy anymore. My good and bad days were almost balancing out.

But the manner in which things ended kept weight heavily on my mind. It was actually in this moment a lot heavier than it had ever been. As I'd mentioned before, his leaving never made sense to me. And I desperately needed to make sense out of it because I felt that the only way I could genuinely move on is if it made sense.

I'd turned on him, I'd turned on God and now I was beginning to turn on myself. I thought that maybe if i had refused to give him space when he asked for it, things would have gone down differently. I though that maybe I should have tried harder, fought more. Maybe I shouldn't have been so stringent during the planning- see the thing is I'm a planner and he was more of a free spirit. I had timelines and deadlines for everything, and I begun to wonder if that is what drove him away.

I looked back to the four week silence. I beat myself up about things that I convinced myself I should have handled differently. In retrospect, i wouldn't have changed a thing.

I looked back to our entire relationship. Those periods when things had been so hard and when I just wanted to give up. I wondered if I was foolish for choosing to fight for us. I thought back to our very first big fight. Maybe I should have just called it quits then. I thought back to how we barely made it through year three. Maybe it wasn't worth the trouble.

In all this it didn't help that he was everywhere. All my best and most important memories, he was there. He was in all my graduation photos. He was in all our family events. Like he was literally EVERYWHERE.

But even through the bad, this is the period when all the good things flooded back as well. We were good together? Why would he throw that away? I knew him so well, he knew me so well. We'd put so much into this. Like seriously. Even when all the odds were against us. So what was all that for? I honestly knew that we had been through a lot worse, and somehow still got to the other side.. It just did not make any sense. So I questioned whether he had truly loved me to begin with.. I wondered why everything I had to give was not enough to make him stay. And trust me, I am a pretty top quality girlfriend :)

No answers..

But one thing did become abundantly clear- this was not on me. This was not my fault. There's nothing I could have done to make him stay, there's nothing I did to chase him away. His decision to leave or stay was his to make, and there's very little I could do about that. Are there things that could have been better with us? Most definitely. I believe every relationship always has room for improvement. However, the decision to stay and fight for it or pack up and leave rests with you as an individual. It has to be yours. Your partner can't be responsible for that.

It takes two to make a relationship work, and if one party is sold out of it.. well..

And so in as much as I had all these endless questions that didn't seem to have answers, I decided to make peace with the fact that I would probably never get the answers I desired to get. And no matter how much I replayed what happened in my mind, what happened, happened. There was no turning back on it. From the looks of things, he wasn't coming back. And even if he did, I had no intention of taking him back. So what was the point?

All I'm saying is that it's not on you. Especially when you know your heart is true, genuine and honest. It is not on you to make your partner keep their word. It should never be your responsibility to ensure that your partner stays committed to a commitment they made to you.

You  may  have all the should haves, could haves and would haves, but at the end of the day you can't keep making excuses. That's far too big a burden to carry on your shoulders for the rest of your life. At least for me, it was a burden I refused to carry.

I did feel like I had failed, but as time went by I realized that I hadn't. The relationship may have failed, but as a person- I hadn't. I was true to myself, and I gave the best that I could. And only upon realizing this was I finally able to accept what had happened.

''Failure is inevitable, unavoidable but failure should never get the last word. You have to hold on to what you want. You have to not take no for an answer and take what’s coming to you. Never give in, never give up. Stand up. Stand up and take it."