In Living Color

I am such a lazy writer. Well, not lazy, I think I just rely a bit to much on how I'm feeling to write. You should see how many drafts I have! *gasp*

But that is neither here nor there. :-)

There's two things I have come to embrace about life: Life should be lived in color and Life shouldn't be lived in one place. (Before you close the page - No, I am not doing a World Ventures Pitch :-) ) And  both these things are really about one thing - Perspective.

I love color. I used to low key love color, I don't quite remember when I openly embraced my love of color. A turquoise will always catch  my eye faster than a grey. When I think of my soon coming home, I see simplicity and color. Actually when I think of most aspects of my life at the moment, I see simplicity and color.

My belief that life should be lived in color moves beyond literal color. It's seeing the good in the bad, seeing the rainbow in the rain. Looking beyond surface value. Understanding that you will never get everything in life, but you will almost always have enough.

This is a big deal for me. I am primarily a Choleric. I know, reading this doesn't sound much like it. But ideally, I really like for everything to be in a straight line and be very black and white. Unfortunately, life never rarely goes down like that. I have learned that when life gives you lemons, sometimes you gotta make Lemon Meringue Pie :)

And sometimes the thing that prevents you from seeing the color is having perspective that is stuck and tied to one thing and will just not shift. And that's why I believe life shouldn't be lived in one place. A change of perspective requires you to move. Sometimes literally, most times figuratively.

My first experience with travel was in my first job. I thankfully got to travel a little bit due to my job and yo! The world has so much to offer. Getting to experience different cultures and visit different places will teach you more in a week than a year of class ever will. And that is the moment I knew that I would spend a good chunk of my life travelling.

However, baggage makes it hard to move. How often do we find ourselves with so much stuff that we can't just let go of? In almost everyone's home there's a room that is just full of stuff that no one has used for YEARS. Or you know, that item of clothing that you last wore 2 years ago. Or those things that you pack when you are moving that you've seen for the first time as you were packing? Or that thing you're buying that you know you will never use. Or that friendship that drains you of all your energy? Maybe that breakup that left you in pieces? Could be the relationship that you know is going nowhere?

Baggage = stagnation. Shed it.

You can't move as long as you are weighed down by baggage. Whether it's moving to a different country, or moving to a new space in your life. Baggage holds so many people back without them even realizing that that's what's happening. Anytime you find yourself desperately holding on to something that you think you can't let go for whatever reason, you are probably holding on to something that is keeping you from moving forward as you ought to. And if you can't move, you can't change your perspective.

My point - if you don't like how something is going in your life, remember that you are not a tree. If you don't like the way things are looking, change your view. I have learned to look for color in the most dull of situations, dance to no music, and move - release baggage before it becomes baggage. Wherever you find yourself, whatever the situation, learn to look for the color. And allow yourself mobility, sometimes all you need is a change of perspective.

Embrace color, embrace movement and see what difference it will make in your life!

Love & Light,

Of Life And Plans

I had a plan yo.

And by all intents and purposes, it was the perfect plan. The plan of the way my life would play out. I really believe most of us do. There's very few people who are born "free spirits", ready and willing to go wherever the winds of life would blow them.

Isn't that the whole reason we push through the education system and have dreams of the perfect job we'll get and all the steps we'll take to move up the corporate ladder? And when we'll meet the perfect man/woman and get married and the perfect children we'll have? And how our happily ever after will last 50/60 years before my spouse and i will die (or one of us will die first and the other soon after as a result of heartbreak)

Ok, I exaggerate :-D

But really. Everyone has a plan. There's just a way that either in your  mind, or on paper somewhere, you see your life playing out. Then real life actually happens. I think it's really cool if life plays out for you exactly like you had planned. But there's so much more to be gained from failed plans. At least that has been my experience.

I turned 26 a couple of weeks ago and sometimes when I sit and try to take stock of my life, almost nothing seems to be going to plan. In fact as an outsider looking in, compared to the plan I had laid out - my life looks like a hot mess at the moment. In my early 20's things were pretty much in line with the plan. Then everything begun to feel like it was just falling apart.

The crazy thing though? I have NEVER been happier than I am right now, in this very minute. Actually in every minute of every day. Granted there are those days when I have a mini anxiety attack about how bad I think things seem to look, but I get through those pretty fast.

Life not going according to plan has taught me A LOT. It has made me the strongest version of myself. It has made me learn things about me that I never knew existed. I have never been much of a patient person, but I have gained patience in ways I did not even know existed. I have learned to enjoy every minute as it comes, and take each day as it comes because that is really all you have assured - so make the most of it.

I have learned that life does not owe me anything, and nothing will be handed to me. There's even thing I will not be able to take. And all that is actually Okay. Embracing that fact has given me more peace than I have ever know. Tied to that, I have also learned that life is not a competition. We each have our own unique reason for existence, and that's what you need to focus on. You can't compare your step 20 to someone's step 100. You will be constantly miserable.

I have learned that when you are in a position where you need to sit tight and wait, believe me when I say no amount of tantrums, tears and pleading will get you out if there. Best thing to do would be to embrace the season, learn and grow, build your character, then move when it is time to move. And sometimes being in the waiting season could be the best thing you could go through - character formation.

Anyway, like I said - life has not played out at all like anything I had planned, but it is currently more amazing than I could have imagined. And I could only see the beauty surrounding this chaos when I finally embraced the change of plans and begun to focus on what is at hand.

So if your plan isn't currently working - let loose. Don't take yourself to seriously. Enjoy life, nobody comes out of it alive anyways. Keep your head up and embrace where you are right now. Embrace the journey that life will have you take, because it could be very different from what you originally planned. And it could be the best ride you ever had :)

Love & Light

Weight A Minute!

"Discipline is simply choosing between what you want now, and what you want most."

Hi. My name is Awino and I am overweight.

I do not refer to myself as "Plus Size", not anymore. Because that's not what I am. Hiding behind the plus size tag was not allowing me to see what was really happening. And as long as I was not seeing it, I couldn't change it. You can not change what you do not accept. 

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that this is not a topic I usually discuss freely or easily.  I But here I am today, baring my soul. Don't worry, I'm not here to start a fitness journey series - there's enough of those going round on Instagram :). I am here to encourage someone who feels stuck - there is a way out. But you have to want it more than you've ever wanted anything in your life.

I really don't know how to go about this post, I just know that I need to do it.

I have actually been overweight my whole life, so I'm pretty used to being big. That's been my life. I embraced it, have always been confident about it, loved my body - the works! I still do. I have an almost unshakable self confidence as far as my body goes. I never felt like I needed to change. I always felt like if you don't like what you see, look at something else :-D .. Maybe it also helped that I am tall, so I really don't look as big as I am heavy.

And I guess that's a common thing with most overweight people. We can often be real confident, borderline defensive. Trust me when I say - there is a fine line between being confident and being defensive. I know it because I have lived it. We often beat people to the punch - label ourselves before we are labeled, laugh at the jokes, heck even make the jokes!I guess it's all part of the defense. Coz believe me, life is hard our here for big/plus size/overweight people. Being confident is simply loving yourself despite and inspite. Everybody needs that. Being defensive on the other hand, will cause you to refuse to see a problem where there is one.

The funny thing about weight is most of the time, you don't even notice it piling on. I know I've always been big, but I also know the weight has piled on over the years. I never quite noticed it happening, but it did. And there will always be a reason, especially if you've been big all your life. You'll be told the way you are big boned, heavy set etc etc. And I bought into all this, till I met someone who shed 48kg's after being told all those stories. She looks ridiculously good. So that's where I kinda begun to believe that things could be different.

I just got to the point where I begun to think that there has to be a way out. I NEED a different quality of life. I was tired of being told that I can't get much smaller that I am because that's just how I'm set. I was tired of trying thing after thing after thing that either didn't work or was just a short term solution. I didn't have issues with how I looked, but I definitely became more aware of how unhealthy it is to be overweight. It doesn't matter how fabulous you look (because there are so many ridiculously fabulous looking big ladies out here), you can not be overweight/obese and healthy. And if you are healthy now, just wait it's catching up. I have nothing against "Plus Size Power". I could possibly be the chair-lady :)) ..But yo! I think it's time we started calling a spade a spade and not a big spoon.

Weight loss is not easy. It really requires a lot of sacrifice that most of us don't want to make. For me it was especially hard because I just couldn't seem to find a program or regimen that would give me the kind of results I wanted. And this kept me super discouraged, and would often have me on the verge of giving up. I tried working out, and it made me feel great but I wasn't seeing any real change. But I did notice that when I gradually begun to change my eating habits, I begun to get results

Lightbulb moment!

I stopped taking gradual measures and begun taking drastic measures. I met the most amazing lady who put together the most amazing program for me and yo! It's difficult, but it works. And it's not a short term fad - it's lifestyle change. That's what I love. That I will shed this thing and not have it come back, unless I allow it to.

Am I happy? Immensely. Weight loss will suck if you are doing it for anyone but yourself. It has to be YOUR journey. Yours and no one else's. It's not a journey you can share. You can't even rely on other people to cheer you on - they can cheer you on, but you can't rely on that to keep you going. There will be tons more who want you to remain as you were

Human beings thrive on wins. When you win at something, it keeps you motivated. Up till now, it had been a pretty suck-y year for me. Most of the amazing things I had planned had slowly and surely fallen apart. And most of it was things beyond my control. But somewhere in June, in the middle of my job hunt one day, I decided that I needed a win for me. So I decided to take my weight loss a lot more seriously that I had been.

I want to live long (if my long life was to be purely a factor of weight-related health issues), I want to live happy. I want to have babies when I decide to have babies. I don't want to feel it's time and have a doctor tell me "Nah, you need to lose xx kg's before you can even think of having kids to avoid complications - I know about 4 people that have gone through that). I want to enjoy the great outdoors with my man (because I realized the real reason I don't like outdoor activities is just because they are exhausting because your body cant handle it), and I want to run around with my nieces and nephews and my future babies. I want to get into a public transport and be confident that people aren't busy thinking "Please don't sit next to me" :-D. I want to have energy. I want to find clothes my size in any store I walk into. That's why I'm doing this. I want to live life on my terms. And I am slowly and surely getting there.

It can happen. It's happening for me, it can happen for you too. But you have to want it more than you've wanted anything before.

So if you're on this journey - soldier on. If you've been looking for the motivation to start, get on it! People are changing their lives, one day at a time. So start your journey, one day at a time.

Because that's the only way - a day at a time.

Love & Light :)

WhatchuDoin?? July Edition

A few bloggers I know do often do this post called taking stock... And I honestly quite like it (when I read other people's) it's like a nice movie trailer - giving you just enough info about eeeeeverything that's going on. I figured it would be cool for me to do it as well, only I changed what I call it :)

So without much further ado, let's get to it!

Making: My first "WhatchuDoin??" post :) .. Most other Bloggers call this "Taking Stock", I call it WhatchuDoin because I can :)

Eating: Barvita biscuits.. they are sooo good guys! Sugar free too :)

Drinking: Black Coffee from my travel mug.. I honestly have no idea why I take hot beverages from my travel mug when I'm in the house, and I never leave the house with it... Yes, I'm also that chic who drinks cold beverages in tea mugs!

Reading: "Love & Respect - The love she most desires, the respect he desperately needs" .. Guise, this book is AMAZING! Got it as a birthday gift from Mr. O and haven't been able to put it down since.

Wanting: Chocolate... Soooo bad.. I haven't had chocolate in 6 weeks, and probably wont have any for the next year... But today, I've just been missing it bad!

Playing: 2048 - trying to get to 4096 :)

Wishing: That it was December already. It's been such an interestingly weird year... Not all bad, not all great - I'm just excited about the possibilities that this second half has, and December will be great!

Enjoying: My sugar free life a lot more than I ever thought I would - considering I was the biggest sweet tooth I knew.. Been 100% of sugar (and anything containing sugar - I didn't even have cake on my birthday for the first time ever!!) for 6 weeks now and I love it :)

Liking: Mr. O... I really like this guy. He's so cool :)

Loving: This Maybelline lippie I bought myself for my birthday... Glorious! And only KES 850 too :)

Hoping: For a little (ok, big) miracle in the near future

Needing: A pedicure. So bad. It's been too long.

Smelling: My body splash... #FeelinMyself

Wearing: This beautiful shade of red nail polish on my nails.. Love love love it! I should actually probably do a nail polish haul

Following: itsjudyslife Vlogs... A.D.D.I.C.T.E.D ... Those baby bears are so darn cute :) Speaking of - would any of you ever do Vlogs? I'm not sure I ever would.. I think the closest I would ever get to vlogging is snapchat (awino_snaps - follow me!! #ShamelessSelfPromotion)

Noticing: The changes in my body, and absolutely loving them!! (I will  be talking about this in next week's post, so enter your email up there and get it while it's hot! It's going to be a good one :) #ShamelessSelfPromotion) Also, I use waaay too many emoticons when I write!

Knowing: I have the most amazing girlfriends in the world! Furrealz! =D>

Thinking: About how I need to go for a movie.. Like to the cinema... Think the last I did that was my birthday 2 or 3 years ago

Feeling: Rather Optimistic!

Opening: Another pack of Barvita's :)

Happy August y'all!! 

Love & Light

Being Awino :)

The only constant in life is change

~Sikumbuki~

Change is good. Seriously. I promise :)

When I started writing, it was mostly to share an experience that shaped me, and share my lessons with people as I got through it myself.

But I have honestly been feeling over it. And it's been getting harder and harder to write. For the past few months I was even considering shutting down the blog altogether. (Also, writers sometimes run out of things to say - for reals! Aaaand, having to be deep all the time gets exhausting :-D)

However, a few days ago, one of my friends asked a very interesting question in a group forum we have - if you had the opportunity to go back in time or into the future, what would you choose?

And therein, I got my answer

So earlier this year, I did a program at my church called Mizizi. This proved to be the final step I needed to get myself to where I needed to be. At the end of the program, a couple of us were asked to do video interviews about our stories to be used to encourage other people to do the program. I didn't expect that I would have to go in real detail about my story, but I was asked to in the middle of the interview and I decided to do it. As that video played over and over and over at church, it dawned on me that I'm past it.

Back to the question my friend asked - I would do neither. Every experience in the past has shaped me to who I am, and I LOVE who I am. And as for the future- well, what I am doing right now is great. And what I am doing now will build to that. So I am also in love with who I am becoming!

I am simply enjoying being me. Being Awino.

And so that is the new direction the blog will be taking. My day to day - right from the days when I have amazing deepness to share, to my more quirky silly days. My style, my cooking, my friends, my love, what I'm reading, where I'm going - all of it!

My writing was more private before. Private in the sense that I never "put it out there". I just shared it with a few of my friends, and they did most of the visiting and telling. I was never confident talking about my story, part of me felt ashamed so it was hard to openly speak about it. But now, I feel like I am over that.

I write. It is the best way I express myself. And it is something I would love to share with the world. I really don't feel like I want or need to be anonymous anymore

So welcome to my world, share in my experiences. Talk to me and I will talk to you :)

Also, wish me a happy birthday - it's my birthday yo!!

Love & Light

F.R.O.G

After an almost 3 month hiatus - I am back :-)

Now, those who know me well know that I have this (terrible) tendency to hibernate and disappear when I have things going on that I have no idea how to tackle or handle, or even what to do. My contract at work wasn't renewed at the end of March due to lack of funding (I worked for an NGO). I knew this was going happen from the end of February and had hoped that something would open up by that time but that wasn't the case.

So here I am now - unemployed for one month and four days now.

During this period, I have come to the realization that I really like to be in control of the things that happen in my life. I don't like not being in control or not knowing what is happening or is going to happen. It sucks. Yet a part of me feels like I keep being thrown in these situations because God needs me to learn how to trust Him and I probably haven't fully learned how to do that yet.


In many ways, this should be a depressing period for me. It usually is for most people. And I have definitely had my depressing moments over the past 3 months. I will not lie, I have had my days when I have been really down, I have thought and thought till I could think no more, I have felt like everything is falling apart. I have been there. But now, having come to the end of one month and having passed pay day without receiving a salary, I smile.

I smile because if there is one thing I have learned beyond any doubt is this - God is my sustenance, God is my provider, God is my source. Being off a salary, even if for a short period of time, has really given me perspective. God provides. He does it in many ways and sometimes, a salary is just one of those ways. But we often get so tangled up in that, believing that we provide for ourselves simply because we go to work everyday and get paid for that. But with or without a salary, God takes care of me. And God will take care of you. It doesn't matter how he chooses to do it, He will ultimately do it.

Secondly, I have never felt as much part of a team as I do currently. Mr. O and I are a team. And if there is one thing I know beyond doubt, we are in this together. He has really had my back over the past three months. We've thought together, planned, changed plans, prayed, hoped, trusted.... We have all round really bonded on a whole new level as a result of this experience. This is another thing I am grateful for. I am grateful to have shared this experience and learned the lessons we've learned through this BEFORE getting married. I consider this a privilege. And in the entire time we have been together, there has really been no experience as sweet as learning to trust God and wait on him together, as a unit.

Whatever situation you find yourself with, allow God to show himself strong for you. Allow him to perform that miracle for you. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Whatever situation you find yourself in - good or bad - learn to always be grateful. Because wherever God plants you, he wants you to learn, grow and thrive so that he can propel you to your next assignment. So thank Him. Every single day. There is absolutely nothing that happens in your life that catches God by surprise, but even more importantly, there is nothing that happens in your life that you and He cant handle together.

F.R.O.G - He's got you :-)

       

You Will Never Walk Alone

" Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

The past 2 weeks have been really rough on Mr.O and I. Quite rough. I'm not one to share the roses and not share the thorns because they are a package deal. We are good now, but in the past two weeks I have learned so much but the biggest lesson is this - when you commit your life to someone, you should never have to walk alone. That's why they are called life partners.

It sounds almost obvious, right? That's why we are together. I'm here for you and you are here for me. It's easy to remember that in the happy times. It's even easy to remember that in the rough times, when the rough times hit only one of you. But its also extremely easy to lose focus of that when the rough times hit the both of you, and hit you hard. It becomes easy to think that it's partly your responsibility to figure out whatever is going on. It becomes easy to think that you need to sort this out on your own.

From the time we are children, we are raised to be independent. We are raised to figure life out on our own and have a plan and ensure it works. This coupled with the fact that we are also inherently selfish, entrusting yourself to someone and trusting that they will actually be there for you is a skill. And it is a skill that takes time to cultivate. But that's why you are a team. A problem shared is a problem half solved.At the end of the day, is is not HIS problem or HER problem, it is OUR problem. And WE will figure it out. You will never walk alone.

I believe that's one of the things that makes marriage so amazing - you don't have to have it all figured out before you say I do. It's a lifetime journey and you will keep learning along the way. You will keep learning how to allow this stranger into your space and into your life. You will learn how to stop being selfish. You will learn how to stop being proud. You will learn that you are a team. You will learn that you are not alone. If absolutely no one else will be there, your partner will. If absolutely no one else gets it, your partner should.

Like I said, this is not something that will occur to you naturally simply because you are in love. It is a process. It will be refined and imprinted in your brain through the years as you do this thing called life together. As you go up the mountains and down the valleys. After all, smooth seas a skilled sailor never did make.

So this is the commitment we made to each other at the end of all this - You will never walk alone. We wrote it down, we signed on it and we promised to always remind each other of this whenever we begin to forget it.

You will never walk alone :-)

"I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we are together. I'm good all by myself, but baby you make me better"

~Fabolous/Ne-Yo~

Keeping Score

Would you understand what unconditional love is if the person you loved met all your conditions?

~Horacio Jones~

Relationships aren't designed for selfish people.

When it comes to Love and relationships, experience has taught me that things are rarely exclusively black or white. We'd like to believe they are but they really aren't. However, that being said, one of the things I know falls in the black or white category is this - A relationship is not a competition. We say that a lot, but I think very few people understand what that means (myself included, sometimes LOL!).

Have you ever been in a relationship (and/or situationship) where you feel like you are giving everything but getting back very little from your partner? Most times when you feel this way, if you talk about it to people the first thing you shall be told is how this person doesn't deserve you and you should pack up your bags and leave (#ByeFelicia). So if I'm not getting from you what I feel I should be getting from you, or what I feel I deserve from you, this relationship cant work. The thing is though, as "good sounding" as that advice is, it's not always practical in a relationship. And growing up has taught me that not every piece of advice that sounds good, is actually good.

It's important to remember, we don't arbitrarily choose who to love. We all have our likes, preferences etc, that may subconsciously determine who we grow to like, and consciously determine who we choose to love. We pick and choose who to like based on their personalities and character and how that blends with ours, but when we choose to do the work of loving them for life (and it is work), then you just do it. That being said - we are supposed to give 100/100 in a relationship. You should give 100 and so should your partner. But this is not always the case. Sometimes you are running on 40 and your partner is still on 100; sometimes they will be on 50 and you will be on 70. Basically it fluctuates a lot and during this fluctuation we "rely" on our partner to stay strong as we fuel up.

Yet herein lies the issue - the moment that you even notice there's a fluctuation, it probably means someone has been keeping score. And nothing will drain you of your fuel faster than keeping score. And I will be the first to admit that there are many times I find myself keeping score, and mostly when my love tank is running close to E.

Here's the thing - Human Beings are at their very core SELFISH. By nature. No one needs to teach you this. We are all about "what's in it for me". We walk into relationships with expectations, and if we are frank with ourselves, most of our expectations have to do with us individually - what my partner will do for ME. How our relationship will make ME feel. And this is just how we are built. Yet, this will always end up being the very basis of how we begin keeping score. We become unhappy because our partner isnt doing the things we expected them to do, or making us feel the way we expected them to make us feel.

After some time of feeling this way, the mature mind will begin to realize It shouldn't be about what you can get, but what you can give. I actually (honestly) received the most satisfaction and happiness in my relationship when i stopped expecting him to do things for me. Also, you have to be a great catch in order to get a great catch. Some people want to have their prince charming yet their soul's uglier than a garbage collection truck. You want a man/woman who can be all these amazing things to you and do all these amazing things for you, but what do you (yes, YOU) have to put on the table? If I'm doing all I can to ensure that your needs are met, and you are doing all you can to ensure my needs a met, what a happy world this would be :-)

Also, Worrying about "settling" will destroy your life. And lets face it, the fear of settling especially when trying to select a life partner, is one of the major cause of keeping score. Of course you know when you deserve better. There's those people you're with and you just know you deserve better. However it should be because you realize that who you are and how you understand love versus who they are and how they understand love just don't mix. And sometimes this is the reason why you feel like you're with a person who just isn't meeting your expectations. You want to love someone who you feel deserves your love (Ladies especially). You want to feel like they work for it, and you loving them is the reward for their work. And all this is because we are all afraid of "settling", settling being ending up with someone who we feel is not deserving of the love we have to give. But, the whole point of love is that we don’t deserve it. We are flawed human beings running around and making mistakes. We are, and will always be, imperfect. It’s not good or bad, that’s just the way things are. We don’t need to become perfect in order to love and be loved. No one needs to be good enough to be loved because the act of loving someone has nothing to do with this. Love has nothing to do with measuring up, we don’t sit around with a clipboard and start (or stop) loving someone based on how many good or bad acts and characteristics we can check off. Love is a gift, not a purchase.

The main reason I've taught myself to stop keeping score is that keeping Score will always leave you unsatisfied and unhappy. When you say “I will only love someone who gives me as much love as I give them” you are instituting a scoreboard, and once a relationship has a scoreboard you will never be happy with it again. Think about it — does it sound at all pleasurable to spend your relationship tallying the number of nice things you have done for them versus what they have done for you? Thinking in terms of “enough” is a poison to any relationship because nothing is ever enough or permanent enough to stop thinking about the scoreboard.

So challenge yourself to get rid of the scoreboard if at all you have one. And if you don't, I hope this helps you think twice before walking down that road. Remember - you would never understand what unconditional love is if the person you loved met all your conditions.

You Are Perfect

I love The Bachelor.

Corny I know, but I am not ashamed to admit it :-) .. Everyone needs their dose of trashy television and this is mine. Though also having studied psychology, its just psychologically fascinating to me.

Anyways, this seasons Bachelor is the sweetest guy called Chris (AKA Farmer Chris). He's a large scale farmer (I love Farmers y'all!!) and made it to top 4 of the previous season of The Bachelorette. He only got kicked out because she just couldn't see herself living as a farmers wife in the middle of nowhere (She has no idea what she's missing out on - this is the life!) .. If I wasn't with Mr.O, I would have applied for a Greencard to go and steal Chris' heart :-D

But this post is not about the Bachelor, though it is inspired by it. After failing to receive roses and being kicked out it was very interesting to me that two of the ladies said the exact same thing in their exit interview - "I wish I could know what I did wrong so that I could Fix it"

Wow. That blew me away. Especially that not one, but two totally different women said it.

Two years ago, that would have just passed me. two years ago, I actually thought like that. That statement was normal. Right now, not so much. The thing is I realized relationships will not always work out. And it wont always have something to do with you, It wont necessarily be something that you need to fix, There wont be something about you that you will have to change in order to make the person stay or want to  be with you.

It really is as simple as that.

Granted, we all have certain character or personality flaws that could use a little improvement. Everyone could use some self improvement, But it should NEVER have to be because you are trying to get someone, keep someone, or convince someone that they should stay with you. This thing that you may want to fix so badly for this person will be absolutely celebrated by another person. Think about how much infinitely easier a relationship with someone who 'fits' into you would be, as compared to being with someone that you are constantly trying to improve for.

It really is as simple as that.

There will always be something about you that's not right to a person that's not right for you. Your flaws are perfect for the heart that's meant to love you. (See video below)

You are perfect. Never forget it :-)

When Winter Becomes Home

Happy New Year guise! :-)

I am  laughing because I finished this post, my computer crashed and I lost it. ALL OF IT. It didn't save. And yes I am laughing because this year I choose to laugh through all my "problems", because I know there are going to be quite a number of them (starting with all the money that needs to appear in my life by October, wacha tu!). And this happened on Monday. Today is Thursday. Ummm... Clearly...

I am just going to try and reconstruct it, for all I know, maybe what I had said in the original post was not what was meant to be said,

"Just because things didn't work out the way you wanted doesn't mean they didn't work out the way God panned."

~Sarah Jakes Roberts~

I came across Sarah Jakes sometime back on Instagram. This girl really is the poster child for that quote above. Pregnant at 13, married, divorced now re-married.. all this coupled with the added pressure of being the daughter of one of the biggest preachers in the world. Yet she's still standing. Flourishing in fact.

One of the things that has always gotten me through some of the tougher periods of my life is knowing that it could have been worse. And for some people, it is indeed worse. Whenever things are feeling crap in your life, it usually feels a lot like Winter. Its cold, its dreary. It snows and rains a lot. Everything seems dull. You never want to go outside. And you feel all these things inside your heart. And this state of feeling can easily become home for you. You can easily become comfortable existing in that state of constantly walking with a cloud over your head.

So if this year hasn't started out great for you for whatever reason (and i do mean whatever reason - big or small) - stop and remember, its just a season. Even Winter doesn't last forever. So don't allow that winter that you feel to become home for you. As one of my bible school teachers (yes, i went to bible school)- "Cry a river, build a bridge and get over it!"

I mostly celebrate my new year on my birthday - it's when I'll set out a lot of the things that I would want to do or accomplish for the next year. This year has forced me to do it in January, for various reasons, but one of the things I have purposed for myself is to be happy. Actually, to be joyful. Coz happiness is dependent on your situation. Joy comes from your soul.

And I would encourage you to do the same. Purpose to have Joy this year. After all, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it :-)

Have a joyful year, wont you? :-)




Ps: If you are struggling to keep track of all the good things that are happening to you despite whatever storm you may feel like you are in - make a point of writing down at least one good thing that happened to/for you each day. Something that made you smile. Fold it and keep it away. Do this everyday, and  store them in the same place. Whenever you are feeling really run down, or even at the end of the year, take out those notes and read through them. You'll realize it's not always so bad after all :-)