Step Up!

I was reading a piece by one of my favorite prose writers - Rob Hill Sr. This was too good not too share. He took the words right out of my heart, and put them on paper. Enjoy :-)

Step Up

Don’t over think yourself out of something special. Not everything needs to be controlled. You can’t get so busy looking for ‘more’ that you miss what you’re really supposed to see. If you find a man willing to be honest about his mistakes or a woman strong enough to be secure in her flaws, you have somebody special and somebody worth working for. Don’t get caught up in looking for perfect because that search will fail you every single time. You can’t be scared to let yourself be happy. You can’t be scared to step up and take a chance.

Stop worrying about things you can’t control, there’s no way to connect the dots going forward. It takes going through some serious things for us to really get what we need. Without the lies you wouldn’t appreciate truth. Without the games you wouldn’t appreciate genuine intentions. Without the test you wouldn’t know your strength. Stop justifying the reason you have a wall up and ask God for courage and discernment so your heart doesn’t have to hide. Heartbreak is apart of life, not the end of it. Stop using failed relationships as excuses to be cold, pessimistic, and selfish. Nothing about love is easy and you’re not the only person who’s ever been hurt before. There’s somebody out there wondering the same things you’re wondering, feeling those same emotions that you’re feeling, and they’re scared just like you are. So who’s going to step up?

In reality, we all want the same things. We all want somebody who isn’t like everybody else, somebody who isn’t doing what everybody else does, and somebody who isn’t thinking like everybody else thinks. No woman wants a follower in a man. No man wants a groupie in a woman. We all want the same things but we’re all stuck playing the same games because nobody wants to step up. Somehow, we’ve all become content with losing emotionally, it’s like we’re so used to the pain that happiness has become a myth. It would be a beautiful day if being a free thinker, a genuine lover, and strong enough to handle hurt ever came in style; but it won’t because asking people to step up for love is asking too much, right?

Wrong, regardless of what most think, love shouldn’t be exhausting. It shouldn’t leave you feeling stressed out, less than, and unappreciated. Love is supposed to be free, natural, and almost a complete release from the monotony and routines of life. Real love won’t leave you drained, it won’t leave you depressed, lost, or distraught. Love is a healer, love is a friend, and love is a protector. Loving isn’t easy, it’s a challenge, but when it’s good, it’s a treasure. Real love won’t break you, it will build you and it will bring out the best in you. Stop letting bitter people define love for you, be willing to experience it for yourself, be willing to step up!

Now of course you don’t have to force things, if it’s not your time then it’s just not your time. Don’t put to much pressure on things just for the sake of having “something.” If the relationship isn’t fulfilling, incredibly passionate, and fun then it’s a waste of time. Sure good things come around, but “good” doesn’t always last. Be the person who wants a great thing that keeps getting better.

Expect the process of building something special to be a challenge, expect some hard days, but in the end, expect it all to be worth it. After all, the movies can’t be the only place where things go right, can they? Deep down, we all have our own love story to live and we can’t let life’s journey steal it from us. Sure it’s tough trying to open up, but be willing to risk your happiness before you ever settle for hiding behind your fears. You have to want more than “Damn y’all still together”; don’t stop giving until you hear, “Damn y’all inspire me to love harder.” So who’s going to step up?

Friendzoned!!

So I am sitting in the salon under a drier. I'm not a big fan of going to the salon, don't let my gorgeous hair fool you- that's just good genes :-D .. Anyways, I always try to find something to keep me busy so that the time can just fly by, and today I found myself revisiting a whatsapp chat with a friend of mine. For some reason, I never delete texts or chats, I really don't know why. I just like having them there. And I text/chat a lot. Sometimes they just make for good entertainment.

Back to my friend.

I've known him for about two and a half years now. When we met, my ex and I were still together. But this man struck me. Like whoa, who are you? First, he is EXTREMELY good looking, but beyond that- he has a beautiful mind. Ibhave a thing for men who have a good head on their shoulders. Who have Vision and ambition in equal measure and who work hard. We hit it off (almost- i was too shy to yalk to him at first, took almoat two months before we actually started talking) instantly, but I never quite got as deep into it as I could have for obvious reasons. So we'd talk on and off till when I got engaged and our communication sort of died. Then picked up again post break up. We have one of those friendships where you can go 2 years without speaking and then just pick up where you left off.

So as I am sitting here going through our chat, I come across one particular day where we had quite an interesting talk about the friendzone. So here I am telling this ninja how I feel like he has friendzoned me. (Yeah, I have this tendency to speak my mind). And he laughs. And I'm like seriously though.. now this is what I learned through that convo: there is such a thing as being too good a friend.

What?

Yes.

Apparently, I have the tendency to be too good a friend. At least according to him. So I get into the trouble of starting to explain how I believe that all the best relationships are based on friendships blah blah blah. Then he goes "yes. But there's friendship, then there's friendship with a purpose."

Turns out, in the process of forming a friendship, there's a way that you can sell yourself that communicates friendship only, and then there's a way that you can sell yourself that communicates that you want to be friends but you're also looking for something more. And that's what friendship with a purpose is.

Aha. So all along here I was trying to be a friend when that's not the only thing I should be offering. I know some of you are thinking "duh", but hear me out.

I've never been a big believer in the friendzone, mostly because I have a tendancy to date my friends/people I already know. Basically it will likely be someone who I already have a foundation with, then we just decide to make more of it. I think the friendzone is unnecessarily vilified. Why? You may spend time on end looking for someone, yet the best person for you is right under your nose. You know- that person who has been a constant in your life. One of your biggest supporters and critics in equal measure. Has shared in your happiest moments and has been there in some of your lowest. That person who you always have to tell about the stuff happening with you. They may not necessarily be the first person you tell, but they are on your list. That person could easily be the person you need, yet they are the person you ignore.

Why?

My theory is that in the same measure that the friendzone has been vilified, relationships have been over-romanticized. Is romance important? Definitely. But for me, a relationship is all about doing life together. Finding a partner is about finding someone you can do life with. The butterflies wont always last. The laughter may not always be there. There's days you wont even like this person and you'll find yourself questioning the very basis of your being together. You know what will carry you through those days - friendship.

Now this is not to say that you should get together with anyone who is your friend just because they are your friend yet you have not even an ounce of any form of attraction toward them. That is sentencing yourself to misery. What I'm saying is that there are some people who are in your friendzone simply because you have managed to talk yourself out of a good thing. So maybe, just maybe you need to re-evaluate. You can't walk around telling me that there are nonmen when you have like 50 male friends..

So after that we go into talking about his farm (he's a farmer. A super sexy one at that.) and he tells me how he wants to name the farm Rafiki Farm in my honor. I told him "Thanks, but no thanks. Not until the purpose has refused. :-D"

So I am now learning how to be a friend with a purpose :)

You Are Worth The Chase

"He who finds a wife, finds what is good and obtains favor from the Lord."

Proverbs 18:22

Anyone who knows me, and i think I've mentioned it here before as well, knows that I don't like being single. I am really not about this life. I'm not desperate. I just don't like it. Maybe it is because I was in a relationship for so long.. Actually I'm pretty sure that's it.

But anyways. The thing that I know gets frustrating is when I sit and begin to wonder why there are no men approaching me. Or rather, no men worth their salt. Especially when I know a few REALLY good men, who just seem to be sitting there doing nothing. They aren't chasing anyone else.. so what are they waiting for?

And the temptation to get them to "see" me gets very real. And it's very easy to find yourself in a position where you are now the one pursuing this guy. You are working overtime to get him to see that he should be with you. But the thing is this - honey, you are worth the chase. I'm not saying sit back and do nothing (Remember- you can't lock yourself in your bedroom and expect to get a man). I'm saying let that man chase you. If you are the one busy planning all your meet ups, and pushing things around to see him, calling and texting - basically if it is all on you, it's time to move on to the next. And you will never know how much you are worth the pursuit, till you meet a man that is wholly and genuinely pursuing you.

And this is why I put that verse at the top. It gives me three basic reasons that I use to slap myself into reality anytime I'm tempted to take the lead. I need to remember, I am worth the pursuit. And the man who recognizes that, is the man that I want pursuing me.

1. He who FINDS: 

the verse is clear- brother man needs to find me. HE needs to lead this process of finding me. I honestly believe that if he has trouble leading the pursuit, he will probably have trouble leading a lot of other things in future. Let him do it. Stop chasing.

2. He who finds A wife: 

If this man is pursuing you, it needs to be only you. A. Singular. One. Only You. If this man is hot on your heels, as well as your neighbors- stop. If he thinks you are truly worth it, he will have no distractions. You should be the focus of it because you are worth it. A man who is focused on one thing has no room for distractions.

3. He who finds a WIFE - 

That pursuit needs to have a purpose. I am not going to define what that purpose is, but there needs to be a reason as to why he wants to be with you. No grey areas. Grey areas always leave a lot of room for disappointment due to lack of accountability. Stop "hanging out" with him, let him make clear what the intention of this "hanging out" is he could be "hanging out" with you, and actively pursuing someone else.


But I think it's also pretty important to remember - it is quite possible that the reason that man is not pursuing you is that he's just not that into you :-)

That Awkward Moment...

One of the hardest things I have had to go through is talking about the break up to new “potentials”

Not that I struggle with talking about it, it’s their reaction. It always gets EXTREMELY awkward after that.

Sometimes it makes me wonder if that is something that should probably be kept hidden, but on the other hand it sort of filters those who are serious and those who are not – consoling myself that any man who gets scared off is probably not the man for me.

For many of them, hearing that I was with someone for 4 years and was engaged and that I’m not even the one who ended the relationship tends to be very heavy to swallow. Why? Well, some of them decide (without asking me) that there is NO WAY I could possibly be over him, or over the relationship. Others think that because of that, I am definitely completely ready for marriage and if they feel like they can’t offer that, they shy off.

Am I ready for marriage? Absolutely. I think I have mentioned this before. I am not looking for a boyfriend; I am looking for a husband. What I mean is that I'm not necessarily after the"just good to have somebody around" kinda relationship- you know, when you want to have someone in your life, but are not necessarily ready for marriage... yeah. A boyfriend is a means to an end. Meaning you just have to be my boyfriend in order for us to get married. But I’m not looking to be in a dating relationship for anything longer than a year and a half. And this is something I am usually very open about from the word go. If you aren't really ready to settle- I'm probably not the girl you are looking for, and that's fine.

However, there is nothing that annoys me as much as when people decide for me where my heart is at as far as this past relationship is concerned. I am a very “as is” person. If I tell you I’m over it- believe me. If I wasn't, I wouldn't even be sitting at a date with you or talking to you for any reason.

When I share this aspect of my life, I don’t do it because I feel that I owe anyone an explanation. I don’t. I do it because, unfortunately, it is a part of my life. And whether I/we like it or not it will have certain impacts on the relationship that will be had. On a personal level, I am a great believer in love and happy endings but I will be the first to admit that it can be quite difficult to give your heart away fully to someone when you aren't too sure that it will be well taken care of. On another level, this new man is going to face quite some challenges when it comes to marrying me because everyone around me may not make it as easy. He may need to work twice as hard because no one wants that to happen again. And so if people are hard on him for whatever reason, I want him to be aware why they are being so hard. If I am not in any particular hurry to introduce him to friends and family, I also want him to understand why. I need him to know that my heart is extremely precious to me, and if he gets me to commit it to him, he needs to take responsibility for that.

I know what I am worth. And I know that I am worth it. But unfortunately, I can’t force anyone to see that. I’m extremely excellent at marketing myself, and I could probably talk anyone out of any doubts they had, but I’m too grown up for that nonsense. If you can’t figure that out on your own, well then… My theory is that if I Had to “talk” you into a relationship, I’ll probably have to “talk” you through it all the time.

So I’m not going to hide it. I’m not ashamed of it. I am a product of everything that has happened to me. And I own that. It makes me a gem. And hopefully, someone will someday see exactly that.

No deep lessons here today, I mostly just needed to vent :)