When You're Mad

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better."

Disclaimer: that quote really has nothing to do with this post, it's just one of my favorites of 2014. Also I have been EPICALLY (does such a word exist?) lazy because this post should have gone up like 2 weeks ago, its just been sitting in my drafts :-/


I often feel like in the relationships I've had in the past, I've done enough fighting for a lifetime. I really used to "enjoy" fighting. I was really honestly so good at it. I wasn't the kind to randomly pick fights for the fun of it, but I would never lose.

Right now, I'm just over it though. I really wish I could do without it and I've been trying to put myself in a space where I can avoid it. Ok, avoid it is the wrong word. More like learn how to express disappointment of have disagreements without it having to turn into a fight. Only problem is, I am generally a Type A personality personality, And I think this is the one thing about me that all the men I have been with like and dislike in equal measure. They love that I can think and express myself and all that, I think they just never realize this will extend to all areas, including when you make me unhappy. Then you throw me in the ring with Mr.O who is equally Type A, hehehehe.. THITIMAA!

Anyways, that's beside the point. I think the problem is many times we demonize fighting and disagreements because everywhere we look (and by everywhere I mean Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat etc etc) all we see are these happy plastic perfect couples. So when here in your real relationship you have a fight, you almost begin to think its the end of the world and y'all must be so wrong for each other. Granted there is a level of fighting that is EXTREMELY unhealthy and makes the relationship toxic, And of course there are those couples who never fight (or so I hear). But the majority of normal, healthy, well adjusted couples do disagree and do get on each others necks. It happens, it's normal. Why? Because the only way to people can be together/live together and agree on absolutely everything is if they are exactly the same person. And no two people are exactly the same.

One of my married friends recently told me that what she considers to be one of the worst pieces of advice she was given before she got married is "Don't go to bed mad". We are all familiar with that one, right? And it sounds great - in theory. The practicality of it however can be much more different. Not all disagreements can be resolved in a couple of minutes. Sometimes disagreements get blown up because of other stress inducing factors outside the two of you. Sometimes all you need is a good nights rest and your perspective will be totally different the next day or in a couple of days.
And I honestly think people should talk about it more.

I feel like if people were real about the situations they have going on in their relationships/marriages, there may actually be a lot less people ending their relationships/marriages. The thing is we all struggle (alone), and we try and make our way through the mud and muck (alone) because we actually believe that we are alone. And we are more interested in putting up appearances that reaching out and getting help. And sometimes help could be as simple as recognizing and accepting that you are not the only ones in this and that there is nothing wrong if you are having a disagreement, and you will not die if you admit it. Celebrate your good days and talk about your bad days as well.

A great relationship is made up of two good forgivers. That's it. If you know you did something wrong that hurt your partner, humble yourself and apologize. If your partner genuinely apologizes, forgive them. No relationship can survive without constant apology and forgiveness, Yes, even for we Type A's. Something that Mr.O and I have been learning the hard way :-)

Remember - when it comes to relationships and fighting,  you can be right or you can be happy, You can rarely ever be both.

Arctic Fox

"...Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother's house..."

Song of Songs 3:4 (NIV)

So about a week ago, Mr.O came and presented himself to my parental unit (AKA my owners). He basically came to introduce himself (though they had met before) and inform then that they are in possession of something that he is interested in and would like to pursue a transfer of ownership at some point in the near future,

This was an experience, to say the least.

He had already presented me to his parents, a little over a month ago..probably going to two months ago. If I thought that was tough, it paled in comparison to his experience. He always told me that him taking me to his parents is extremely different from him coming to see mine. Very true.

Anyways, my owners are pretty cool. Anyone who knows them will tell you, They aren't really intimidating (though my dad does look intimidating), and they are pretty hilarious. But any set of parents can be intimidating when you come and tell them that you want to whisk their daughter away..especially when it's their only daughter. Because at the end of the day, you want to be sure you gave her away to the right man.

Mr.O has always told me that he can't "propose" to me, until he has my parents approval to do so. Makes sense. I know that this is not always possible depending on the kind of parents you have, but I think it is actually a great way to go about things. Why? Because, accountability.

My ex never actually met with my parents to declare intent to marry me. We had been together for a while, he was technically family by that point. I guess we all just sort of knew and assumed that we would get married. So when the time came, he proposed, I said yes then I went to face my owners about it. We talked at length, lots of questions, clarifications etc.. But I remember leaving that meeting thinking and wishing that he had been there. That aside, when he decided he was done, he up and left and didn't feel the need to explain himself to anyone, because he wan't really accountable to anyone.

Based on that experience, I told my owners that the next man would have to come and see them first before he asked me anything. This was way before I met Mr. O. So imagine my pleasant surprise when shortly after we begun dating, Mr. O told me that he wanted to introduce me to his parents, and once that was done, he would like to come and speak to my parents because it is important to him that both sets of parents are in agreement with the general plan before he can officially propose and thus begin planning in details. I was so wowed by this, because I didn't even ask yet it was something that was extremely important to me, and I'd always wondered how I would bring it up. This man just kept meeting and surpassing my mental checklist :-)

So anyways, the day before he was to come, we had a big fight over what we now both agree was something very stupid. I should write about this later. But we were unable to resolve it due to circumstances both within our control, and some out of our control. And so even by the time he got home, we weren't really on speaking terms as such. But I am the queen of putting on a show, and so the show went on.

The entire process went pretty well, tense at first but things got more relaxed. He was asked A LOT of questions. I was pretty much quiet the entire time up till the end when he had to declare his intentions toward me, and I was asked whether we are on the same page or I was hearing of this for the first time ;-D ... And just like that, we are all systems go. Granted the excitement of it all really only mostly settled in the next day because we had to spend a considerable amount of time that evening fixing our light-bulb (based off of one of my favorite quotes - "when a light bulb is not working, you fix the light bulb. You don't sell the house"), but it's exciting all the same.

We do have most of our plans thought out and written down, and now its pretty much trying to actualize them. I would never have imagined in a thousand years that my year would end like this. I am now really actually Mrs. O designate :-), and in a few short (or maybe long) months, I will be Mrs. O .. And this man was worth the wait. He is worth everything I have been through. He is worth the highs and the lows. He is worth the time it took to get myself back together. Worth the times I got impatient and wanted my man now-now. He is not my better half, he is my better whole. It was necessary for each of us to find God, and find ourselves before we could find each other. That would explain why we kept "missing" each other even though we were in each others lives. I finally know what it is to be with someone who compliments you, which he does in almost every way. He doesn't complete me, I am complete on my own. And so is he. That's the beauty of what we have. He is my Arctic Fox (a breed of foxes especially famous because they are monogamous and mate for life once they pick a partner) - Forever, For Always.

Love & Light

Of Seasons and Friendships

"When I loved myself enough, I begun leaving whatever wasn't healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving"

Kim McMillen

It scares me sometimes how little I struggle to let go of friendships that no longer serve me, or that I no longer serve.

Maybe this is because I started losing friends at such a young age. Most of the friends I had as a kid, who were supposed to be my best friends for life, either moved to other parts of the country or left the country. As a result, in my younger years, I had a very hard time forming attachments. Most of my friendships were for here and now, for when I can see you. Other than that, forget it.

I had a few friends though that I somehow managed to keep through the years. One of whom was very close to me, or at least I thought was very close to me. I recently put that friendship in the bin. And I have a couple of reasons as to why that happened. It was just a decision I had to make. I didn't feel it necessary to inform the other party, I just stopped trying, It was taking too much effort and I just don't believe it should really ever have to be that hard. But in this whole process I was greatly reminded of something that I learned years back

Reason Season Lifetime.

Some people come into your life for very specific reasons. Probably there to meet a very specific need and once that is done, so is their purpose in your life. There's seasonal peoples - these are in your life for a specific period. And then that's that. Then there's your lifetime people. These will weather the storms of life and they are there for good.

Funny thing is though, I have come to see that we meet most of our lifetime people as adults. Granted it would be awesome if we could carry some of our childhood friends into forever (and sometimes we do), but that rarely happens. Why? Because it takes mastery of the art of growing together without growing apart. And that is not an easy thing to do.

As I've grown older I have come to realize I need to travel lighter. Over the past year, while I was dealing with the break up, it also provided me with an opportunity to evaluate and re-define friendship. Prior to that, I had believed I had some 100 plus friends, funny how through the whole process only about 5 of them showed up and stayed. And I actually do not hold anything against anyone as far as that is concerned, I just realize that we probably never were friends to begin with.

So I have taken it upon myself to challenge myself to go above and beyond for the people I have allowed into my life as friends. To be there. To show up. Both when it is absolutely necessary for me to show up, and even when it may not seem as necessary. Granted, we are adults - we are busy, we have lots of things going on, each of us trying to figure out and set up our own lives. But you will always ALWAYS make time for the things that matter. I say make time because you will have to be intentional about it. If you leave it as a matter of finding time, it may be a while before that happens.

I choose to embrace my friends for whatever season they are in my life for. Because it is that bond that will carry me through the period that they are there for. I also celebrate those who have been here before, and no longer are I still believe your presence in my life made a difference and contributed to who I am. And even though we may be more of acquaintances than friends, I can wish you nothing but peace in your life.

All in all, just like any other relationship, friendships require work. Sometimes the ways in which we meet our friends is nothing short of miraculous. But keeping these people as our friends takes conscious effort. It wont just happen.

Love on your friends today, wont you?

Love & Light :-)

Awii