Everybody Knows, Almost Doesn't Count...

The problem with accepting and/or dealing with how you feel, is that you really begin to feel what you feel. Like REALLY feel it.

And boy, did I feel it.

But I wasn't sad. No, not yet. I was angry. Very angry.

I had very many reasons for my anger. And I needed to let it out, but I didn't know how. And it didn't help that the timing of all this was quite inconvenient. You see, he walked out on a Sunday. I had exams for the whole week starting Monday. One of my best friends was getting married on Friday. I honestly did not have time to think about my feelings, so I shoved them in.

Until I couldn't.

First, I was extremely angry at/with God. Like really angry. This one, deserves a whole post. And I'll address it in future. But I was mad. Mostly because according to him, it was God's fault. And I needed someone to blame. So I blamed the person I was told to blame.

Second, I was angry at him. For obvious reasons. But beyond the obvious reasons, I was angry because I felt like I had just lost four years of my life that I would never get back. I was angry because I thought that if I knew this was how it was going to end, I wouldn't have put as much effort as I did into us.. I was angry because I looked back at very many missed opportunities I missed out on for/because of him.. I don't mean missed opportunities in the sense of career or school. I mean missed opportunities in the sense of other men. Yes, I said it. I was angry because this was turning out to be the worst investment I had ever made. I was angry because he got to run away and I had to stay and clean up the mess he created. I was angry because I felt (and still do feel) that he was let off the hook too easy. Way too easy. Actually, this last point sorta still makes me angry to date. I was angry because almost doing something, is not the same as doing it. It doesn't count.

Lastly, I was angry at people. I felt let down by so many people in ways that I didn't imagine possible. I generally don't expect much of people, and so to feel let down when as is you really don't expect that much to begin with- yeah it was pretty bad. I felt as though I was being punished, yet I had done nothing wrong. People stopped talking to me. And then naturally of course, they started talking about me. I shed a lot of friends in this season. But on the bright side, I made a couple of friends as well :-) .. Again, I was angry at people because all the people that should have stood up to him, didn't. The people that should have fought for me, didn't. There were people taking care of me, but there are people who should have fought for me. He just got away with it.

But the thing that made me the most angry - Life. Goes. On.

Anyone who's walked around with a hole in their heart knows what I'm talking about. It's extremely difficult to watch everyone's life move on, including the person responsible for the situation you are in, yet you feel stuck. And I was stuck.

I missed my friend. A lot. He was the main reason I was in this mess, but he was also the only person I wanted to talk to about it. And I couldn't.

You know all those feelings you feel in your heart that you're not supposed to say out loud? I felt all of them. ALL of them. I became extremely passive aggressive, and to those that had to handle me closely, I was honestly a pain to be around (I'm sorry y'all :-)). And you would think they would understand because I've just been through hell but like I said above, Life goes on. For everyone.. And after a while, they get tired of having to deal with you. And you can't blame them. After all, this is happening to you, not to them.

The Anger set in on  Friday. It was the day I sat my last exam. It was also the day my best friend got married. I remember it so well because it felt like the day I could finally stop pretending to be ok...

And the anger ate at me for a while. It cut deep and raw. And with each passing day, I felt more and more alone and got more and more lonely... then the anger begun to subside..

That's when the sadness set in.

“You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.”