In The Beginning...

It was the most random of meetings... The first time I met him was in May of 2008. Then the next  time I met him was in December of  2008. At camp. We hang out a bit coz he was my friends friend. We got to talking in January of 2009 and by May, we were inseparable..

He was my best friend. The love of my life. But mostly, he was my friend.

I can not emphasize enough how important friendship is to me in a relationship. Everyone wants the butterflies and the fireworks, which I wouldn't mind either, but at the end of the day- I want that person that I can sit with in silence and it's OK. The guy that I want to tell every single aspect of my day, and they wouldn't be bothered to listen to it, because they actually want to. The Christina to my Meredith, or vice versa. (Only Greys Anatomy fans will get this one). My Person.

And that was sort of us. We were good together. We had many amazing times, but we also had some tough times. Really tough times. Like really tough. I actually think, in hind sight, if I would have known how it was all going to end, we wouldn't have made it to a year. But we did. Make it. To 4 years actually.

And he proposed.

It was an amazing period. The proposal was everything I had ever dreamed it would be. The excitement that followed, unspeakable. Plans started. Dates were set. Budgets were done. Bridal party was formed. Dress was bought.

Then, silence.

It started like a joke. We had a little tiff, which for anyone who's planned a wedding is pretty normal, but he just shut me out. One week. Two weeks.
Week three he says he needs some time to think.
Week four he says we need to talk.
So we met at the beginning of week 5 of silence.

It was over in less than 10 minutes. There was no explanation. No discussions. He just decided that he couldn't do it.

Let me tell y'all something:

"The death of a relationship is actually as painful as the death of a person."

I know some would argue against this. I have physically lost people I love and I can assure you, for me, this hurt just as much.

But the most difficult thing for me to come to terms with was how my friend could do that to me. Because as far as I know, that's just not what friends do. Friends don't handle each other that way..

And there I was. I actually felt widowed. People treated me like a widow. It's funny now, but it wasn't funny then :-D .. Like people would visit and bring food.. LOL!

But at the end of the day, I would sit  in my room, alone, and realize just how alone I was. This was my burden, this was my pain.. No matter how much other people supported me and were there for me, this was my pain and I had to figure it out alone. The path to my recovery was mine, and I had to take it alone..

And so that is where it begun...

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance