Forgiveness Is A Marathon

There’s an end to every storm. Once all the trees have been uprooted. Once all the houses have been ripped apart. The wind will hush. The clouds will part. The rain will stop. The sky will clear in an instant and only then, in those quiet moments after the storm, do we learn who was strong enough to survive it.

I thought I was going to do one post on acceptance, but my whole life is sort of about acceptance. Acceptance is my journey to moving on, acceptance is moving on. Acceptance is my journey to forgiveness, acceptance is forgiveness. Acceptance is meeting someone new. Acceptance is getting married. Acceptance is changing jobs. Acceptance is finishing school.

Acceptance is my life.


But the one thing though that kept getting thrown at me was this - have you forgiven him. So I'll talk a little bit about that.

That was a tough question to answer. In all honesty, it still is a tough question to answer. But the reasons as to why it is a tough question to answer have greatly changed over time.

In the beginning, I was really mad at him. I was extremely bitter. My anger toward him and what he had done almost consumed my life. I cussed him out, I wished him terrible terrible things. I never EVER wanted to hear his name mentioned near or around me. I never wanted anything to do with anyone that had anything to do with him.

It was bad.

And so, back then, my automatic answer was no. No I hadn't forgiven him. And what did people care anyways whether I'd forgiven him or not. At that point, I remember one person telling me that one of the ways I could work through it was to pray for him. Ha! My response - "If you think he needs the prayers so much, YOU pray for him" (That still tickles me to date!)
I was unforgiving, and I was extremely unapologetic about it.

With time though, he moved out of my heart. And out of my head. And generally out of my life. He would never cross my mind, he stopped coming up in conversation. Things that used to hold so much sentimental value became just that- things. I have never laid eyes on him since that day. I always think somehow life has just found a way to ensure our paths don't cross. Back then it was probably because I might have ended up beating him to pulp. Right now it might be because I just don't see the point, so life has kept him away.

He stopped being a part of my life. And as such, I sort of, inadvertently, blocked him from my mind.

So when a couple of months ago I was faced with the very same question "Have you forgiven him", I thought about it for a minute and my answer was "I don't know". And I honestly don't.He doesn't occupy enough of my thought for me to know whether I have forgiven him or not. And what does forgiveness mean anyways? Like seriously, that's the question I often found myself asking. And of course I've received all the know it all about how not forgiving him is highly unchristian-like and so on and so forth. But the funny thing is that I actually don't care. I really, genuinely stopped caring about peoples opinions. Just one of those things that changed about me.

I can't say whether I have forgiven him or not. I don't know. I honestly do not know. Some would argue that would mean that I haven't, that's their opinion. All I know is that he doesn't live in my head. He doesn't live in my heart. And that's good enough for me.

And you have no idea how incredibly freeing that is.

Forgiveness is a marathon, not a sprint. You aren't competing with anyone. And you have no point to prove. Forgiveness is more about you, than it is about the other person. Forgiveness is more for you than it is for the other person. So take your time. It is your journey. Because if you get this aspect of your journey wrong, you will turn into one bitter person, always mad at the world for everything in general and nothing in particular. Give it your own parameters. Do what works for you.

Run your race. And hold your head up high while you do it.