Of Seasons and Friendships

"When I loved myself enough, I begun leaving whatever wasn't healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving"

Kim McMillen

It scares me sometimes how little I struggle to let go of friendships that no longer serve me, or that I no longer serve.

Maybe this is because I started losing friends at such a young age. Most of the friends I had as a kid, who were supposed to be my best friends for life, either moved to other parts of the country or left the country. As a result, in my younger years, I had a very hard time forming attachments. Most of my friendships were for here and now, for when I can see you. Other than that, forget it.

I had a few friends though that I somehow managed to keep through the years. One of whom was very close to me, or at least I thought was very close to me. I recently put that friendship in the bin. And I have a couple of reasons as to why that happened. It was just a decision I had to make. I didn't feel it necessary to inform the other party, I just stopped trying, It was taking too much effort and I just don't believe it should really ever have to be that hard. But in this whole process I was greatly reminded of something that I learned years back

Reason Season Lifetime.

Some people come into your life for very specific reasons. Probably there to meet a very specific need and once that is done, so is their purpose in your life. There's seasonal peoples - these are in your life for a specific period. And then that's that. Then there's your lifetime people. These will weather the storms of life and they are there for good.

Funny thing is though, I have come to see that we meet most of our lifetime people as adults. Granted it would be awesome if we could carry some of our childhood friends into forever (and sometimes we do), but that rarely happens. Why? Because it takes mastery of the art of growing together without growing apart. And that is not an easy thing to do.

As I've grown older I have come to realize I need to travel lighter. Over the past year, while I was dealing with the break up, it also provided me with an opportunity to evaluate and re-define friendship. Prior to that, I had believed I had some 100 plus friends, funny how through the whole process only about 5 of them showed up and stayed. And I actually do not hold anything against anyone as far as that is concerned, I just realize that we probably never were friends to begin with.

So I have taken it upon myself to challenge myself to go above and beyond for the people I have allowed into my life as friends. To be there. To show up. Both when it is absolutely necessary for me to show up, and even when it may not seem as necessary. Granted, we are adults - we are busy, we have lots of things going on, each of us trying to figure out and set up our own lives. But you will always ALWAYS make time for the things that matter. I say make time because you will have to be intentional about it. If you leave it as a matter of finding time, it may be a while before that happens.

I choose to embrace my friends for whatever season they are in my life for. Because it is that bond that will carry me through the period that they are there for. I also celebrate those who have been here before, and no longer are I still believe your presence in my life made a difference and contributed to who I am. And even though we may be more of acquaintances than friends, I can wish you nothing but peace in your life.

All in all, just like any other relationship, friendships require work. Sometimes the ways in which we meet our friends is nothing short of miraculous. But keeping these people as our friends takes conscious effort. It wont just happen.

Love on your friends today, wont you?

Love & Light :-)

Awii

These Are The Fudamendos

Fundamendos.
This song really tickles me. I remember when it first got out and was being shared a lot on Facebook. A couple of my Christian Saved Facebook friends caught an emotion because apparently in sharing the song we are making light of and promoting promiscuity. I just thought that song was hilarious. And I still laugh every time I hear it. Every single time.

But those are not the 'fundamendos' I am referring to in this case. That's not the point of this post.

"Opposites attract, Similarities maintain"

In my stint in this world of dating (Which I really did not enjoy. I don't like dating, I really don't) I figured there's so many people who look great on paper, and leave you with such a good first impression but could never move from there. If we ever decided to get into a relationship, it would probably only last a few months or as long as we'd care to pretend it was working before admitting there was no long term hope here. And it was always because of the fundamentals.

I always used to believe the fundamentals were the big things - religion, children, marriage, education, career. But I realized with time, it actually boils down to what really matters to you. What are your priorities? What can you compromise on, and what cant you? That's what makes up the fundamentals. This can range from the very big things (or what are considered to be the big things) as I've stated above, or the little things, which may not be so little to you seeing as you would not be happy in a relationship without them.

For me, I learned that I can not be in a secret relationship. Private, yes. Secret, no. Everyone needs to know of us. Not everyone needs to know about us. Neither can I "go with the flow". You know, that awkward place where you act like you are in a relationship, but it's never been defined.  I also don't believe in taking forever to define a relationship. Religion matters to me. Marriage matters to me. There has to be an end point to the relationship, and it has to be defined and time bound. Of course there's a whole bunch of other things as well.

The thing is, sometimes you may find yourself with a person who is "great" and so you try to fix your needs and make adjustments and compromises just so that the two of you can work. And sometimes you will find that you are breaking your back for someone who isn't lifting a finger for you. Other times, you are both breaking your backs, when you really need not be.

I don't think relationships should be hard. I don't think they are supposed to be.. I actually don't enjoy listening to relationship stories of how this, that and the other battle was fought and how they overcame. It's almost as though it is constantly fighting and overcoming. Eish. You just can't be fighting and overcoming all the time. And if that's all you are up to, you are probably not as compatible as you think. I used to think those stories were cute. I don't anymore. Most of the times I hear those stories I find myself thinking "You deserve better". It's just not cute. I know I've mentioned before, I don't entirely believe in the concept of the one. There's tons of people that you can be compatible with, do your self a favor and pick the highest compatibility you can possibly get.

Of course because we are human even of you got someone that you were 98% compatible with, there will be those moments when the 2% causes D.R.A.M.A, but that should be the exception rather than the rule. And what determines compatibility? The fundamentals. Be with someone who is a fundamentally similar to you as possible. then add on the rest.

I like my relationships easy. Not the lazy kind of easy where you don't put in the work, but the kind of easy where who I naturally am and who you naturally are just blend so well together that it never feels like I am actively putting work into it. Basically, a relationship is work but I don't want my relationship to feel like a job. We live in a world full of so many mediocre things, love should NEVER have to be one of them.

Long and short - define your fundamentals. Focus on someone who shares as many of them as possible. Remember - sometimes your struggles are an indicator of how great your love is, sometimes they are just an indicator that you aren't right for each other

Love & Light :-)

Sometimes It's You..

"It's not always your EX who's an example of who you don't need to date again. Sometimes, you're that EX"

Pierre Alex Jeanty

And most of the time, you don't even realize it. Whenever it comes to relationship arguments, fights and fall-outs, we are always the good guy. Even that person who cheated on their significant other will never think it was their fault that the relationship ended.

I sometimes wonder what my ex tells his potential girlfriends (or probably even current - I really don't know if he's dating or not) when time to talk about the ex-s comes about. I am one of those ladies who has to know it all. All your ex-es (both the serious ones and the not so serious ones) and why the relationships ended. This has more to do with the guy than the ladies he dated. I realized that you can tell a lot about a person based on their previous relationships. spoiler alert - I will know when you are lying.

Seriously though - do you tell them the whole truth, half the truth, find a way to paint yourself in good light.. Is there ever fear that they will change their minds once they really know what went down. Is there fear that if you give half truths that someone who knows the full truth may one day out you? Don''t get me wrong. I'm not encouraging you to dwell on the issue of the ex. And don't delve into it looking for trouble. I just think you learn a lot more about a person from their past, and it helps shed better light as to who they are now.

There's this one guy who I knew briefly (maybe not so briefly), and he would completely refuse to talk about his ex. He'd been single for about 2 years when I met him and he and his ex had been together about a year. Anytime I would ask why that relationship ended, he would absolutely refuse to talk about it. "the past is the past" .. Ha! That for me is a BIG red flag. Almost as big as if you do not know where your man lives. And true enough, he turned out to be a total flake in the end.

So when I read the above quote, it got me thinking - how many people actually do a thorough self assessment at the end of a relationship? Were you done wrong, or did you do wrong? And even if you were done wrong, is there anything you could have done different of better? Have you walked out of that situation a better person for your next?

Or are you the ex that everyone gets warned about?

Granted, there is someone who will see the good in you and not think you acted a fool (or look past it) and want to be with you, but the truth is if you don't makes things right within you, you will act a fool again. You will find yourself repeating those very patterns that caused things to go off last time.

And if you aren't the ex that everyone keeps getting warned about - good on you. keep doing you, and keep getting better. Because everyone can always be a little more epic

So all I'm saying is - sometimes it's you. We all want a good man/woman, but just because you want a good man/woman doesn't mean you are ready for one. Introspection is very important - sometimes it's not you, but sometimes it is.

Love & Light

What's In A Ring?

"To make it - really make it - as a surgeon - it takes major commitment. We have to be willing to pick up that scalpel and make a cut that may or may not do more damage than good. It's all about being committed, because if we're not we have no business picking up that scalpel in the first place."

~Meredith Grey~

It's engagement season. Or at least, that's what I choose to call it. In a span of about 3 weeks, like 6 people I know, 4 of them friends have gotten engaged. Or received rings, because by my definition of engagement, some of them were already engaged. I think they just weren't aware :-D

This picture was doing the rounds sometime last week:

It really tickled me just how many ladies caught a feeling about this ring. A friend of mine posted this on my Facebook wall and my brother's comment had me laughing out loud - "Ladies, what's wrong with this ring?" He was super serious, by the way. He honestly didn't see an issue with it. And frankly, neither did I. But not because of the ring or the size of the "rock", it was more because of the ways in which my thought process surrounding engagements and marriage has evolved.

I believe that the way in which we have materialized engagements has really watered down the seriousness of the commitment you are getting into. When I started off, I said some of these people that got engaged were actually already engaged, they just didn't know it. How? Here's the thing - if the two of you have discussed marriage, seriously, you are on the same path as far as where this relationship is heading, you have spoken to both sets of parents/guardians, you've probably even set a date for your marriage - you are engaged. Ring or no ring. What I find ridiculous is the fact that people are unable to consider themselves engaged UNTIL they get the ring. That is a bit ridiculous to me.

Maybe its experience. Having gone through an engagement that didn't work out, I know better than anyone that him giving you that ring and planning that elaborate proposal doesn't necessarily mean that he's going to marry you. There's also that dude who may not give you a ring, but will never leave your side. What would you rather have?

So when my friend posted this on my wall, my comment was - is engagement the ring, or the commitment? Of course I added an emoji after that to lighten the mood, but the comment in itself was deadly serious.

Now I believe if you have been in a serious relationship with this man, then he will know what matters to you and will likely do his best to give you what you desire and make you happy. I just think that if your acceptance/rejection of his proposal is pegged on the ring he offers you (or lack thereof) you may not be as prepared as you would want to believe.

Of course we all want nice blingage...that's probably why we spend so much on those engagement rings and wedding bands. I just think that it needs to move beyond that. The rings are symbols of the commitment, they are not the actual commitment. They aren't. When you fight with your husband, taking off your wedding band wont make you any less married than if you had it on. The ring doesn't make the relationship, the two of you do.

I told Mr.O, the minute he gets my parents blessing to marry me, we are engaged. Ring or no ring. It doesn't really matter to me anymore. .Why? Because, by the time you are meeting my parents to seek a blessing, clearly you and I have already discussed marriage in detail. I'm already on board. Should you choose to give me a symbol of that commitment, great. I would boldly and proudly wear it, But the commitment is in my heart. In the place that no one but God sees. And that particular commitment is what holds most dear to me. That I gave you my word, and I have to hold myself accountable to that.

But then again, that's just me... :-)

Love & Light

Awii

Late Night Musings

The concept of marriage baffles me. Its just so confusing. Well, maybe confusing is not the right word. Complicated? I'll go with complicated.

Why?

I've always struggled to understand what really makes marriage. Why certain people don't feel married until they have a wedding, never mind they've been living together 10 years and have 3 kids. Who decides that you are married? I would think the two of you, but it is apparently not that simple.

A cousin of mine recently lost his wife. Currently, she is being refered to as his "wife". Why in quotes? Because no one in the family really knew he was married until he called to inform us that he'd lost his wife. (He's sort of estranged from the family). Anyways, despite the fact that theyd been together 4 years, he's not going to get to bury her. Her sister will. Why? Because he never "officially" took her. I've always struggled with this "officially taking" theory. Not that I disagree with it, it just baffles me. I don't understand how you could have built a life with someone for years, but at the end of it, it doesn't count because you never officially took them. My question has always been- is the marriage agreement between my partner and I or between my partners family and I?

Its also so strange to me how whatever relationship you have really means nothing to the world unless you have a piece of paper from the government to back it up. Until you sign that paper, no one takes your relationship seriously, no matter how serious it is to you. I remember one of the biggest struggles I had with my mum was to get her to stop referring to my boyfriend as my friend. I mean, of course he is my friend, but he's also so much more. I just always felt as though constantly calling him my friend and introducing him as my friend in some way made light of what we had.

Its just an interesting process to think about. You would think that because the marriage is between the two of you, and the two of you are the obea going to live together, that a decision between the two of you would suffice. Right? Wrong. Often when people actually do that, we call them out for doing it wrong. Doing it right is seeking our parents blessing (AKA Permission), having all these many traditional ceremonies culminating in this bloody expensive wedding which is thrown just so that for 1 minute, you can sign a piece of paper that means the government now recignizes your union.

Crazy.

Yet, that's our norm. And anything contrary feels off. I am at a place in my life where I would ve quite happy to walk to the government offices with my partner and my witnesses, sign my paper and move on with my life. But, things have to be done right. Bear in mind that there are as many definitions of right as there are people.

I met Mr.O's parents 2 days ago. It was a very interesting experience. But anyways, a lot of small talk and a lot of hard questions later, they welcomed me to their family and gave their bleasing (AKA Approval) for us to get married, and even prayed over us. I wont lie, that moment = all the feels. The whole shebang will be repeated when Mr.O comes to see my parents.

But, it was through this process that it finally hit me. We are a communal society and so whether we like it or not, you getting married will always be everyone's business. Even the process of getting your marriage legally recognized doesn't allow for you to elope (coz seriously, how is it still eloping when you have to give 21 days notice of your intent to marry?).. you cant just walk to NaxVegas and place a ring on someones finger and decide ur married and not give a hoot what anyone thinks. You aren't going to get married and live in a cocoon. You will need people. And I guess its just easier to have people if said people are all in agreement that you are married.

Still, deep in my heart I still feel like most of these things are formalities. Why? Because my decision to marry is mine. And come rainbows or hail, my partner was my choice, and I will have to deal with that. I dont think that right now my mind could be changed on a decsion to marry just because I didn't get some blessings (AKA Approvals). But then again, easier said than done ey?

Sigh.

One day, it shall make sense