Late Night Musings

The concept of marriage baffles me. Its just so confusing. Well, maybe confusing is not the right word. Complicated? I'll go with complicated.

Why?

I've always struggled to understand what really makes marriage. Why certain people don't feel married until they have a wedding, never mind they've been living together 10 years and have 3 kids. Who decides that you are married? I would think the two of you, but it is apparently not that simple.

A cousin of mine recently lost his wife. Currently, she is being refered to as his "wife". Why in quotes? Because no one in the family really knew he was married until he called to inform us that he'd lost his wife. (He's sort of estranged from the family). Anyways, despite the fact that theyd been together 4 years, he's not going to get to bury her. Her sister will. Why? Because he never "officially" took her. I've always struggled with this "officially taking" theory. Not that I disagree with it, it just baffles me. I don't understand how you could have built a life with someone for years, but at the end of it, it doesn't count because you never officially took them. My question has always been- is the marriage agreement between my partner and I or between my partners family and I?

Its also so strange to me how whatever relationship you have really means nothing to the world unless you have a piece of paper from the government to back it up. Until you sign that paper, no one takes your relationship seriously, no matter how serious it is to you. I remember one of the biggest struggles I had with my mum was to get her to stop referring to my boyfriend as my friend. I mean, of course he is my friend, but he's also so much more. I just always felt as though constantly calling him my friend and introducing him as my friend in some way made light of what we had.

Its just an interesting process to think about. You would think that because the marriage is between the two of you, and the two of you are the obea going to live together, that a decision between the two of you would suffice. Right? Wrong. Often when people actually do that, we call them out for doing it wrong. Doing it right is seeking our parents blessing (AKA Permission), having all these many traditional ceremonies culminating in this bloody expensive wedding which is thrown just so that for 1 minute, you can sign a piece of paper that means the government now recignizes your union.

Crazy.

Yet, that's our norm. And anything contrary feels off. I am at a place in my life where I would ve quite happy to walk to the government offices with my partner and my witnesses, sign my paper and move on with my life. But, things have to be done right. Bear in mind that there are as many definitions of right as there are people.

I met Mr.O's parents 2 days ago. It was a very interesting experience. But anyways, a lot of small talk and a lot of hard questions later, they welcomed me to their family and gave their bleasing (AKA Approval) for us to get married, and even prayed over us. I wont lie, that moment = all the feels. The whole shebang will be repeated when Mr.O comes to see my parents.

But, it was through this process that it finally hit me. We are a communal society and so whether we like it or not, you getting married will always be everyone's business. Even the process of getting your marriage legally recognized doesn't allow for you to elope (coz seriously, how is it still eloping when you have to give 21 days notice of your intent to marry?).. you cant just walk to NaxVegas and place a ring on someones finger and decide ur married and not give a hoot what anyone thinks. You aren't going to get married and live in a cocoon. You will need people. And I guess its just easier to have people if said people are all in agreement that you are married.

Still, deep in my heart I still feel like most of these things are formalities. Why? Because my decision to marry is mine. And come rainbows or hail, my partner was my choice, and I will have to deal with that. I dont think that right now my mind could be changed on a decsion to marry just because I didn't get some blessings (AKA Approvals). But then again, easier said than done ey?

Sigh.

One day, it shall make sense