A Love Song For No One

Today is my birthday.

25.

I had hoped that life would be a little different from what it is now, but you know.. things don't always go according to plan. And still, I feel like the good and the not so good in my life currently cancel each other out :-)

I rarely make birthday wishes, but this year I do have one. And it's one that is very dear to my heart. And I do pray that this is the year it finally comes through. Because at some point, you do get tired of all the "almosts" and near misses... It is time.

Staying home alone on a Friday

Flat on the floor looking back

On old love

Or lack thereof

After all the crushes are faded

And all my wishful thinking was wrong

I'm jaded

I hate it 

I'm tired of being alone

So hurry up and get here

So tired of being alone

So hurry up and get here 

Searching all my days just to find you

I'm not sure who I'm looking for

I'll know it

When I see you

Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom

Staying up all night just to write

A love song for no one 

I could have met you in a sandbox

I could have passed you on the sidewalk

Could I have missed my chance

And watched you walk away? 

You'll be so good

You'll be so good for me

Happy Birthday to me... May this be my best year yet :-)

A Pot Belly Still Gives Good Loving...

"Even though I have fat thighs, flabby arms, a pot belly still gives good loving.."

Freshly Ground

This was not the post that was planned for today. But #fakeskin #fakeboobs running rampant all over social media caught my attention.

So one of our so called socialites got a boob job. And she's darn proud of it. I actually admire that confidence. Like she goes MIA for two weeks, re-surfaces and flashes her brand new pair of twinnies. Said socialite has also undergone skin lightening. Yes, apparently there's a difference between skin lightening and bleaching. She also got a permanent pair o fake lashes quite sometime back.

And all this got me thinking  - if you had the money and opportunity to "improve" yourself, would you?

About two weeks ago, someone else that I follow on Instagram (a YouTuber) addressed a boob job that she got that people had been speculating about for a while. The thing is, it was so subtle, I hadn't even noticed it until she brought it up. In addressing it she said "anyone who's followed my journey knows that this is a part of me that I have always been insecure about, and I finally decided to do something about it. This is for me, it has nothing to do with anyone else. I love it. My husband loves it. And that's good enough."

It was a whole monologue but I remember finishing it and thinking, wow- do you boo boo.

And in some ways I get where these people are coming from. We live in a brutal world. And I know different people get enhancements for different reasons- for example, our socialite says she lightened her skin because she makes more money as a light skin than a dark skin, and I'm she got the boob job for the same reason. The YouTuber on the other hand had the boob job done because it's something she has always been insecure about and decided to fix it.

Whether I agree or disagree is hard to say. In fact, it feels almost hypocritical. I find myself more sympathetic to the one who did it to fix her insecurities as opposed to the one who did it to make money. I know people who have had reductions done as well, would we treat them with the same judgment?

Here's the thing- I was bullied in primary school because of how I looked. I was bigger than the other kids (though looking back on photos, I wasn't even fat- I just had a bigger frame,and I was tall). I also used to get really bad allergy reactions on my skin. I would swell up and get hives all over and blisters filled with pus, it was nasty. And the bullying was at the hands of only two people, but they were the "queen bees". I never talked about it, but it really broke me inside till one day I woke up and decided that  I wasn't going to school. I felt ugly. I believed I was. I remember during one of my therapy sessions (I was only about 10 then), my counselor had me stand in front of a mirror, look at myself and tell myself that I am beautiful. And I looked at myself and just started crying. That's how unattractive I felt. Right now I have a crazy high self esteem, and that took lots of counselling plus working on myself.

But back then if you offered me the chance to get a liposuction done- i would! And I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Right now, nah.. I think my body is actually at it's sexiest right now. I love it, the men love it (*wink, wink*)plus I made peace with the fact that this is who I am. My doctor told me due to my bone structure, I can probably never be skinny.. At best I could be size 12/14. I've lost some weight, I'm down one dress size and still going down a bit, but the thing is it has nothing to do with who I am. The changes going on on the outside, have very little to do with what I am on the inside

Anyways, at the end of it all I just feel that we have collectively as a society pushed people to go to certain lengths to achieve a look that is "acceptable" and then we are the same people who turn around and bash them for it... You can't win these things!

What to do then?

Love you. You have just got to love you. From deep down within. The way Kanye West loves Kanye West. Because if you do not love yourself, nothing you do on the outside will make you feel better about yourself. There's people who've lost tons of weight and became even unhappier than when they were big. They say they'd look in the mirror and not even know who that was. If you don't know yourself on the inside, you will always struggle with what's on the outside.Your body is not static, it is bound to change. You will get kids, you will fall sick, you will have bad eating habits, you'll shed weight and so on and so forth. And if you have no value attached to who you are and what you have to offer devoid of how you look, this will always be a huge struggle for you.

Your validation should never come from what you look like. Your value should come from your soul. Your soul is the real you. The you that will remain pretty constant through the changing seasons of life. Invest in it, grow it, love it.
 
After all, there is no make up for an ugly soul.

Online Dating

"If you want something you have never had, you have to do something you have never done"

Wueh!

I'll just start there. I will say this- there are a lot of men in this world. A LOT. Fine, Fine men. Shemar Moore men. If you are not finding a man, I would suggest you remove yourself from that cocoon that you spend all  your time in and venture out. After all, you can't keep doing things the same way and expect different results.

Let me start by explaining how I ended up on the interwebs.

I'd been with him for such a long time, our lives sort of almost became intertwined. His friends were mine, my friends were his. We lived not too far from each other, so we spent a considerable amount of our free time together. During the week, I was at work full day and then in school after work so I'd leave home at about 6:30 AM and get back at about 9:00 PM, by which time I was too tired to have any meaningful conversation with anyone anyways. My weekends were spent mostly at church, and with him. And then we got engaged and wedding planning took up a considerable chunk of my time, so I had to cut back on some of my responsibilities at church because it was becoming too difficult to  juggle everything.

So anyways, point is, when he left, I suddenly found myself with nothing to do. Especially over the weekends. Weekdays were not too bad because work and school kept me heavily occupied, but weekends were bad. That was often when the loneliness would really hit.

Now, by the time this online thing happened- I had moved on. Some people would argue it was too soon, but for me, moving on is a decision not a feeling. A post for another day :-)
Back to the main point-, I was ready to meet a man. And start dating again. Not because I was lonely, but more because I was just ready. I wasn't thrilled about it- the dating part. It was something I had hoped I would never have to do again. It can be exciting, but it can also be cumbersome. For me, it's a means to an end and so I often want it to pass by as fast as possible. For the record- I have no interest in doing a four year relationship EVER AGAIN. In fact, I don't even encourage people to. But that's just me.

The challenge I faced at this point was where to meet a man. I didn't see it happening with any man from my church, because  to  most of them I was "damaged goods". And I get it. It's hard to approach someone whose whole relationship you saw form and unravel (This was actually said to me- it's not stuff I'm making up in my head, unfortunately). School- not happening. Work- I'm the only single person in my workplace so clearly...

Then my cousin floated this idea of online dating.

So with his help, I tried a couple of sites, most were just a joke. Especially local ones. Wah! Some things would scar you for life. But fact remains, there's a lot of men out here. But there's also just as many creeps. So you need to be really careful. But the being  careful part can be tricky, because in the world of online dating- you only get back as much as you put out there. If you are sketchy, you'll get sketchy. If you are real, you'll get real. Or sometimes sketchy still.

Anyways, it was quite the adventure. I will say this though- being there and doing that is one thing that actually really helped me feel lovable again. Don't get me wrong-  I know that I'm pretty, and smart and an all round great catch (yeah, I have a super high self esteem), But I was really beginning to wonder if I would ever find a man who would see me. Really see me. Beyond everything that had happened, because unfortunately it scares a lot of guys away. There's so many genuine guys with genuine hearts. Turns out when I sit and wonder where all the men are, there's 3 guys out there also wondering where all the women are..

But beyond looking for my Mr. Right, I actually made a lot of new friends from all over the world. So I now have random people that I can randomly chat with whenever we feel like, which is pretty cool. I've made some real life friends and its always funny to watch people's reactions when I introduce someone and tell them we met online :-)

Interacting with these people also really opened up my mind. For the first time ever, I actually found myself seriously pondering on issues such as whether I'd be willing to up and go to another country for a man, whether I could do a long distance relationship, whether I could even get into a relationship with someone I've actually never met. Meeting these people filled me with wanderlust. The world is so big and so amazing and filled with so much to be seen and experienced, and I would love to see and experience it all.

I believe in praying for a partner, but I also believe in strategic placement. That man will not find you behind your closed bedroom door. Unless of course he's come to fix your light bulb. Get out there, do something. Try out new things, hang out in new places, get acquainted with new people. Try a new church. (I know I did, but it was about more than finding a man!). Check out the other floors in your office building. Smile at someone in traffic. If where you are is not giving you the results you want, try something different. But those lines you draw don't just keep other people out, they keep you in.

Get. Out. Of. Your. Bubble.

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So you can waste your life drawing lines… or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross. Here’s what I know: If you’re willing to take the chance, the view from the other side… is spectacular."

PS: If it's something you would be willing to try, I'll let you know what some of the more legit sites are. BUT, remember- it works differently for different people :-)

Forgiveness Is A Marathon

There’s an end to every storm. Once all the trees have been uprooted. Once all the houses have been ripped apart. The wind will hush. The clouds will part. The rain will stop. The sky will clear in an instant and only then, in those quiet moments after the storm, do we learn who was strong enough to survive it.

I thought I was going to do one post on acceptance, but my whole life is sort of about acceptance. Acceptance is my journey to moving on, acceptance is moving on. Acceptance is my journey to forgiveness, acceptance is forgiveness. Acceptance is meeting someone new. Acceptance is getting married. Acceptance is changing jobs. Acceptance is finishing school.

Acceptance is my life.


But the one thing though that kept getting thrown at me was this - have you forgiven him. So I'll talk a little bit about that.

That was a tough question to answer. In all honesty, it still is a tough question to answer. But the reasons as to why it is a tough question to answer have greatly changed over time.

In the beginning, I was really mad at him. I was extremely bitter. My anger toward him and what he had done almost consumed my life. I cussed him out, I wished him terrible terrible things. I never EVER wanted to hear his name mentioned near or around me. I never wanted anything to do with anyone that had anything to do with him.

It was bad.

And so, back then, my automatic answer was no. No I hadn't forgiven him. And what did people care anyways whether I'd forgiven him or not. At that point, I remember one person telling me that one of the ways I could work through it was to pray for him. Ha! My response - "If you think he needs the prayers so much, YOU pray for him" (That still tickles me to date!)
I was unforgiving, and I was extremely unapologetic about it.

With time though, he moved out of my heart. And out of my head. And generally out of my life. He would never cross my mind, he stopped coming up in conversation. Things that used to hold so much sentimental value became just that- things. I have never laid eyes on him since that day. I always think somehow life has just found a way to ensure our paths don't cross. Back then it was probably because I might have ended up beating him to pulp. Right now it might be because I just don't see the point, so life has kept him away.

He stopped being a part of my life. And as such, I sort of, inadvertently, blocked him from my mind.

So when a couple of months ago I was faced with the very same question "Have you forgiven him", I thought about it for a minute and my answer was "I don't know". And I honestly don't.He doesn't occupy enough of my thought for me to know whether I have forgiven him or not. And what does forgiveness mean anyways? Like seriously, that's the question I often found myself asking. And of course I've received all the know it all about how not forgiving him is highly unchristian-like and so on and so forth. But the funny thing is that I actually don't care. I really, genuinely stopped caring about peoples opinions. Just one of those things that changed about me.

I can't say whether I have forgiven him or not. I don't know. I honestly do not know. Some would argue that would mean that I haven't, that's their opinion. All I know is that he doesn't live in my head. He doesn't live in my heart. And that's good enough for me.

And you have no idea how incredibly freeing that is.

Forgiveness is a marathon, not a sprint. You aren't competing with anyone. And you have no point to prove. Forgiveness is more about you, than it is about the other person. Forgiveness is more for you than it is for the other person. So take your time. It is your journey. Because if you get this aspect of your journey wrong, you will turn into one bitter person, always mad at the world for everything in general and nothing in particular. Give it your own parameters. Do what works for you.

Run your race. And hold your head up high while you do it.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda...

Do you know the one thing all your "failed" relationships have in common? You.

Yep. You.

First off, failed is in quotes for lack of a better word. Think of it more as all your relationships that didn't work out :) (It's important because someone I once shared this with told me "that relationship didn't fail, it just didn't work out" LOL! Guess some people just dislike the word fail)

Bargaining.

From the time he left I had never once though of getting back together. But if he came back during this period, I just might have considered it. Or not.

In as much as I was still dealing with my pain on the side, I was in a much better place. There's times I would genuinely have good days. I didn't feel guilty about smiling or laughing or being happy anymore. My good and bad days were almost balancing out.

But the manner in which things ended kept weight heavily on my mind. It was actually in this moment a lot heavier than it had ever been. As I'd mentioned before, his leaving never made sense to me. And I desperately needed to make sense out of it because I felt that the only way I could genuinely move on is if it made sense.

I'd turned on him, I'd turned on God and now I was beginning to turn on myself. I thought that maybe if i had refused to give him space when he asked for it, things would have gone down differently. I though that maybe I should have tried harder, fought more. Maybe I shouldn't have been so stringent during the planning- see the thing is I'm a planner and he was more of a free spirit. I had timelines and deadlines for everything, and I begun to wonder if that is what drove him away.

I looked back to the four week silence. I beat myself up about things that I convinced myself I should have handled differently. In retrospect, i wouldn't have changed a thing.

I looked back to our entire relationship. Those periods when things had been so hard and when I just wanted to give up. I wondered if I was foolish for choosing to fight for us. I thought back to our very first big fight. Maybe I should have just called it quits then. I thought back to how we barely made it through year three. Maybe it wasn't worth the trouble.

In all this it didn't help that he was everywhere. All my best and most important memories, he was there. He was in all my graduation photos. He was in all our family events. Like he was literally EVERYWHERE.

But even through the bad, this is the period when all the good things flooded back as well. We were good together? Why would he throw that away? I knew him so well, he knew me so well. We'd put so much into this. Like seriously. Even when all the odds were against us. So what was all that for? I honestly knew that we had been through a lot worse, and somehow still got to the other side.. It just did not make any sense. So I questioned whether he had truly loved me to begin with.. I wondered why everything I had to give was not enough to make him stay. And trust me, I am a pretty top quality girlfriend :)

No answers..

But one thing did become abundantly clear- this was not on me. This was not my fault. There's nothing I could have done to make him stay, there's nothing I did to chase him away. His decision to leave or stay was his to make, and there's very little I could do about that. Are there things that could have been better with us? Most definitely. I believe every relationship always has room for improvement. However, the decision to stay and fight for it or pack up and leave rests with you as an individual. It has to be yours. Your partner can't be responsible for that.

It takes two to make a relationship work, and if one party is sold out of it.. well..

And so in as much as I had all these endless questions that didn't seem to have answers, I decided to make peace with the fact that I would probably never get the answers I desired to get. And no matter how much I replayed what happened in my mind, what happened, happened. There was no turning back on it. From the looks of things, he wasn't coming back. And even if he did, I had no intention of taking him back. So what was the point?

All I'm saying is that it's not on you. Especially when you know your heart is true, genuine and honest. It is not on you to make your partner keep their word. It should never be your responsibility to ensure that your partner stays committed to a commitment they made to you.

You  may  have all the should haves, could haves and would haves, but at the end of the day you can't keep making excuses. That's far too big a burden to carry on your shoulders for the rest of your life. At least for me, it was a burden I refused to carry.

I did feel like I had failed, but as time went by I realized that I hadn't. The relationship may have failed, but as a person- I hadn't. I was true to myself, and I gave the best that I could. And only upon realizing this was I finally able to accept what had happened.

''Failure is inevitable, unavoidable but failure should never get the last word. You have to hold on to what you want. You have to not take no for an answer and take what’s coming to you. Never give in, never give up. Stand up. Stand up and take it."