Quarter Life Crisis

After a series of lots of self-doubt and mini meltdowns in my mind, I think I can finally say that I am probably going through a Quarter Life Crisis. My girl, who I was sharing this with the other day (more like yesterday), doesn't think it's a real thing. I still love her anyways :-)

At first I thought maybe I'm just reacting to adulting in general - newly married, new-ish job, just turned a year older, balancing responsibilities and ever increasing demands. And on most days, I feel like I am just not getting it right. Whether this is by general standards or by standards I have set for myself in my own mind, I don't know. But it's not a very pretty place to be.


I just turned 27. Twenty-freakin-seven. I'm getting old. (Yes, I can feel you rolling your eyes at me. This is a no judgment zone ) Yet still feel like that's within the threshold of still being allowed to be young and stupid. I don't think I'm doing too badly, but I don't feel like my life is where I thought it would be either. I know that something needs to change, I just can't seem to figure out what that 'something' is  :-(

Hence - Quarter Life Crisis

All this has really been eating at me for a while. And I think the thing that sucks the most is that you kind of have to wade through it and figure out what works for you on your own. No one can do it for you. There's no magic pill that you can swallow and have everything revealed to you. And don't even get me started on those moments when you find yourself casually (or not so casually) comparing the trajectory of your life with that of your friends/peers, which ends up leaving you feeling that much more lost (as if you weren't already lost enough)... Everyone around you suddenly seems to be doing so much better than you, and seems to have all their stuff figured out and you end up feeling like... Well... Like you suck. Pretty much.


But in the midst of all my confusion and (apparent) lost-ness - the one thing that keeps tagging at my heart is that life is not a competition. At least not with anyone else. I know we've probably all heard this before and it begins to sound very cliche, but the only person you should really be competing with is you. To be better today than you were yesterday. Better next year than you were last year. And when you get lost in feeling like you need to figure out the next ten steps, you can easily forget to take the one step that's right in front of you that would pave the way.


It could be in a great way - like discovering a new planet, or it could be in a little way - like picking up a new hobby.

But more and more, I feel like life is meant to be lived. Not (necessarily just) figured out.

Break away from the routine. Don't be so hard on yourself. Do things for you. Find things that you enjoy doing and do them. Most importantly - Live life on your terms. And live it loud and proud. No apologies. After all - you came in alone, and you will exit alone. SO you may as well enjoy the ride.
 (Side bar - I think this little pep talk is mostly for me ;-) )

And who knows - in the process of living life, you just might figure it out.

XOXO

Almost Home

30 days.

I feel like I have so much going on in my mind, and it's all centered around 30 days. I can't believe I am getting married in just 30 days. This thing has always felt so distant, so abstract. And now it's here. It's real.

I am going home.

I have a house, and soon I will have a husband. And we will have a home. I guess this means that I am almost successfully adulting :D.. That matters - because I feel like I haven't been adulting very well!

I'm not a mixed bag of emotions. I am excited, and I am tired. Those are the only two things I feel. We are having a wedding, and putting a wedding together is A LOT  of work. But it's been amazing. Our first real little project, the first of many. My colleague couldn't believe when I told her we've pretty much put this wedding together, just the two of us. It's been fun. We've disagreed, agreed, agreed to disagree... And in the end realized it is never that serious.

All that matters is that we get home.

Home is wherever we are with each other, and I can't wait. I can't wait to not have to say goodbye anymore, I cant wait to not have to only see him once a week.. I can't wait to build a life with him.

He is home.

So I don't have anything deep to share. Just sitting here amazed at how far God has brought me. How faithful God is.

Mr. O - thank you. For seeing my crazy, accepting my crazy, and deciding that you can spend the rest of your life with my crazy. You have loved me selflessly, beyond anything I could have asked for. You have been my closest friend and my biggest supporter. You are THE man, and I am so proud to be your woman. You truly are the one He kept for me. Here's to you, here's to us, here's to forever.

24th June 2016 - here we come.

We are coming home.

"The one I was praying for
The one He delayed me for
The one He kept for me
Until it was time"

In Living Color

I am such a lazy writer. Well, not lazy, I think I just rely a bit to much on how I'm feeling to write. You should see how many drafts I have! *gasp*

But that is neither here nor there. :-)

There's two things I have come to embrace about life: Life should be lived in color and Life shouldn't be lived in one place. (Before you close the page - No, I am not doing a World Ventures Pitch :-) ) And  both these things are really about one thing - Perspective.

I love color. I used to low key love color, I don't quite remember when I openly embraced my love of color. A turquoise will always catch  my eye faster than a grey. When I think of my soon coming home, I see simplicity and color. Actually when I think of most aspects of my life at the moment, I see simplicity and color.

My belief that life should be lived in color moves beyond literal color. It's seeing the good in the bad, seeing the rainbow in the rain. Looking beyond surface value. Understanding that you will never get everything in life, but you will almost always have enough.

This is a big deal for me. I am primarily a Choleric. I know, reading this doesn't sound much like it. But ideally, I really like for everything to be in a straight line and be very black and white. Unfortunately, life never rarely goes down like that. I have learned that when life gives you lemons, sometimes you gotta make Lemon Meringue Pie :)

And sometimes the thing that prevents you from seeing the color is having perspective that is stuck and tied to one thing and will just not shift. And that's why I believe life shouldn't be lived in one place. A change of perspective requires you to move. Sometimes literally, most times figuratively.

My first experience with travel was in my first job. I thankfully got to travel a little bit due to my job and yo! The world has so much to offer. Getting to experience different cultures and visit different places will teach you more in a week than a year of class ever will. And that is the moment I knew that I would spend a good chunk of my life travelling.

However, baggage makes it hard to move. How often do we find ourselves with so much stuff that we can't just let go of? In almost everyone's home there's a room that is just full of stuff that no one has used for YEARS. Or you know, that item of clothing that you last wore 2 years ago. Or those things that you pack when you are moving that you've seen for the first time as you were packing? Or that thing you're buying that you know you will never use. Or that friendship that drains you of all your energy? Maybe that breakup that left you in pieces? Could be the relationship that you know is going nowhere?

Baggage = stagnation. Shed it.

You can't move as long as you are weighed down by baggage. Whether it's moving to a different country, or moving to a new space in your life. Baggage holds so many people back without them even realizing that that's what's happening. Anytime you find yourself desperately holding on to something that you think you can't let go for whatever reason, you are probably holding on to something that is keeping you from moving forward as you ought to. And if you can't move, you can't change your perspective.

My point - if you don't like how something is going in your life, remember that you are not a tree. If you don't like the way things are looking, change your view. I have learned to look for color in the most dull of situations, dance to no music, and move - release baggage before it becomes baggage. Wherever you find yourself, whatever the situation, learn to look for the color. And allow yourself mobility, sometimes all you need is a change of perspective.

Embrace color, embrace movement and see what difference it will make in your life!

Love & Light,

Of Life And Plans

I had a plan yo.

And by all intents and purposes, it was the perfect plan. The plan of the way my life would play out. I really believe most of us do. There's very few people who are born "free spirits", ready and willing to go wherever the winds of life would blow them.

Isn't that the whole reason we push through the education system and have dreams of the perfect job we'll get and all the steps we'll take to move up the corporate ladder? And when we'll meet the perfect man/woman and get married and the perfect children we'll have? And how our happily ever after will last 50/60 years before my spouse and i will die (or one of us will die first and the other soon after as a result of heartbreak)

Ok, I exaggerate :-D

But really. Everyone has a plan. There's just a way that either in your  mind, or on paper somewhere, you see your life playing out. Then real life actually happens. I think it's really cool if life plays out for you exactly like you had planned. But there's so much more to be gained from failed plans. At least that has been my experience.

I turned 26 a couple of weeks ago and sometimes when I sit and try to take stock of my life, almost nothing seems to be going to plan. In fact as an outsider looking in, compared to the plan I had laid out - my life looks like a hot mess at the moment. In my early 20's things were pretty much in line with the plan. Then everything begun to feel like it was just falling apart.

The crazy thing though? I have NEVER been happier than I am right now, in this very minute. Actually in every minute of every day. Granted there are those days when I have a mini anxiety attack about how bad I think things seem to look, but I get through those pretty fast.

Life not going according to plan has taught me A LOT. It has made me the strongest version of myself. It has made me learn things about me that I never knew existed. I have never been much of a patient person, but I have gained patience in ways I did not even know existed. I have learned to enjoy every minute as it comes, and take each day as it comes because that is really all you have assured - so make the most of it.

I have learned that life does not owe me anything, and nothing will be handed to me. There's even thing I will not be able to take. And all that is actually Okay. Embracing that fact has given me more peace than I have ever know. Tied to that, I have also learned that life is not a competition. We each have our own unique reason for existence, and that's what you need to focus on. You can't compare your step 20 to someone's step 100. You will be constantly miserable.

I have learned that when you are in a position where you need to sit tight and wait, believe me when I say no amount of tantrums, tears and pleading will get you out if there. Best thing to do would be to embrace the season, learn and grow, build your character, then move when it is time to move. And sometimes being in the waiting season could be the best thing you could go through - character formation.

Anyway, like I said - life has not played out at all like anything I had planned, but it is currently more amazing than I could have imagined. And I could only see the beauty surrounding this chaos when I finally embraced the change of plans and begun to focus on what is at hand.

So if your plan isn't currently working - let loose. Don't take yourself to seriously. Enjoy life, nobody comes out of it alive anyways. Keep your head up and embrace where you are right now. Embrace the journey that life will have you take, because it could be very different from what you originally planned. And it could be the best ride you ever had :)

Love & Light

Weight A Minute!

"Discipline is simply choosing between what you want now, and what you want most."

Hi. My name is Awino and I am overweight.

I do not refer to myself as "Plus Size", not anymore. Because that's not what I am. Hiding behind the plus size tag was not allowing me to see what was really happening. And as long as I was not seeing it, I couldn't change it. You can not change what you do not accept. 

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that this is not a topic I usually discuss freely or easily.  I But here I am today, baring my soul. Don't worry, I'm not here to start a fitness journey series - there's enough of those going round on Instagram :). I am here to encourage someone who feels stuck - there is a way out. But you have to want it more than you've ever wanted anything in your life.

I really don't know how to go about this post, I just know that I need to do it.

I have actually been overweight my whole life, so I'm pretty used to being big. That's been my life. I embraced it, have always been confident about it, loved my body - the works! I still do. I have an almost unshakable self confidence as far as my body goes. I never felt like I needed to change. I always felt like if you don't like what you see, look at something else :-D .. Maybe it also helped that I am tall, so I really don't look as big as I am heavy.

And I guess that's a common thing with most overweight people. We can often be real confident, borderline defensive. Trust me when I say - there is a fine line between being confident and being defensive. I know it because I have lived it. We often beat people to the punch - label ourselves before we are labeled, laugh at the jokes, heck even make the jokes!I guess it's all part of the defense. Coz believe me, life is hard our here for big/plus size/overweight people. Being confident is simply loving yourself despite and inspite. Everybody needs that. Being defensive on the other hand, will cause you to refuse to see a problem where there is one.

The funny thing about weight is most of the time, you don't even notice it piling on. I know I've always been big, but I also know the weight has piled on over the years. I never quite noticed it happening, but it did. And there will always be a reason, especially if you've been big all your life. You'll be told the way you are big boned, heavy set etc etc. And I bought into all this, till I met someone who shed 48kg's after being told all those stories. She looks ridiculously good. So that's where I kinda begun to believe that things could be different.

I just got to the point where I begun to think that there has to be a way out. I NEED a different quality of life. I was tired of being told that I can't get much smaller that I am because that's just how I'm set. I was tired of trying thing after thing after thing that either didn't work or was just a short term solution. I didn't have issues with how I looked, but I definitely became more aware of how unhealthy it is to be overweight. It doesn't matter how fabulous you look (because there are so many ridiculously fabulous looking big ladies out here), you can not be overweight/obese and healthy. And if you are healthy now, just wait it's catching up. I have nothing against "Plus Size Power". I could possibly be the chair-lady :)) ..But yo! I think it's time we started calling a spade a spade and not a big spoon.

Weight loss is not easy. It really requires a lot of sacrifice that most of us don't want to make. For me it was especially hard because I just couldn't seem to find a program or regimen that would give me the kind of results I wanted. And this kept me super discouraged, and would often have me on the verge of giving up. I tried working out, and it made me feel great but I wasn't seeing any real change. But I did notice that when I gradually begun to change my eating habits, I begun to get results

Lightbulb moment!

I stopped taking gradual measures and begun taking drastic measures. I met the most amazing lady who put together the most amazing program for me and yo! It's difficult, but it works. And it's not a short term fad - it's lifestyle change. That's what I love. That I will shed this thing and not have it come back, unless I allow it to.

Am I happy? Immensely. Weight loss will suck if you are doing it for anyone but yourself. It has to be YOUR journey. Yours and no one else's. It's not a journey you can share. You can't even rely on other people to cheer you on - they can cheer you on, but you can't rely on that to keep you going. There will be tons more who want you to remain as you were

Human beings thrive on wins. When you win at something, it keeps you motivated. Up till now, it had been a pretty suck-y year for me. Most of the amazing things I had planned had slowly and surely fallen apart. And most of it was things beyond my control. But somewhere in June, in the middle of my job hunt one day, I decided that I needed a win for me. So I decided to take my weight loss a lot more seriously that I had been.

I want to live long (if my long life was to be purely a factor of weight-related health issues), I want to live happy. I want to have babies when I decide to have babies. I don't want to feel it's time and have a doctor tell me "Nah, you need to lose xx kg's before you can even think of having kids to avoid complications - I know about 4 people that have gone through that). I want to enjoy the great outdoors with my man (because I realized the real reason I don't like outdoor activities is just because they are exhausting because your body cant handle it), and I want to run around with my nieces and nephews and my future babies. I want to get into a public transport and be confident that people aren't busy thinking "Please don't sit next to me" :-D. I want to have energy. I want to find clothes my size in any store I walk into. That's why I'm doing this. I want to live life on my terms. And I am slowly and surely getting there.

It can happen. It's happening for me, it can happen for you too. But you have to want it more than you've wanted anything before.

So if you're on this journey - soldier on. If you've been looking for the motivation to start, get on it! People are changing their lives, one day at a time. So start your journey, one day at a time.

Because that's the only way - a day at a time.

Love & Light :)

WhatchuDoin?? July Edition

A few bloggers I know do often do this post called taking stock... And I honestly quite like it (when I read other people's) it's like a nice movie trailer - giving you just enough info about eeeeeverything that's going on. I figured it would be cool for me to do it as well, only I changed what I call it :)

So without much further ado, let's get to it!

Making: My first "WhatchuDoin??" post :) .. Most other Bloggers call this "Taking Stock", I call it WhatchuDoin because I can :)

Eating: Barvita biscuits.. they are sooo good guys! Sugar free too :)

Drinking: Black Coffee from my travel mug.. I honestly have no idea why I take hot beverages from my travel mug when I'm in the house, and I never leave the house with it... Yes, I'm also that chic who drinks cold beverages in tea mugs!

Reading: "Love & Respect - The love she most desires, the respect he desperately needs" .. Guise, this book is AMAZING! Got it as a birthday gift from Mr. O and haven't been able to put it down since.

Wanting: Chocolate... Soooo bad.. I haven't had chocolate in 6 weeks, and probably wont have any for the next year... But today, I've just been missing it bad!

Playing: 2048 - trying to get to 4096 :)

Wishing: That it was December already. It's been such an interestingly weird year... Not all bad, not all great - I'm just excited about the possibilities that this second half has, and December will be great!

Enjoying: My sugar free life a lot more than I ever thought I would - considering I was the biggest sweet tooth I knew.. Been 100% of sugar (and anything containing sugar - I didn't even have cake on my birthday for the first time ever!!) for 6 weeks now and I love it :)

Liking: Mr. O... I really like this guy. He's so cool :)

Loving: This Maybelline lippie I bought myself for my birthday... Glorious! And only KES 850 too :)

Hoping: For a little (ok, big) miracle in the near future

Needing: A pedicure. So bad. It's been too long.

Smelling: My body splash... #FeelinMyself

Wearing: This beautiful shade of red nail polish on my nails.. Love love love it! I should actually probably do a nail polish haul

Following: itsjudyslife Vlogs... A.D.D.I.C.T.E.D ... Those baby bears are so darn cute :) Speaking of - would any of you ever do Vlogs? I'm not sure I ever would.. I think the closest I would ever get to vlogging is snapchat (awino_snaps - follow me!! #ShamelessSelfPromotion)

Noticing: The changes in my body, and absolutely loving them!! (I will  be talking about this in next week's post, so enter your email up there and get it while it's hot! It's going to be a good one :) #ShamelessSelfPromotion) Also, I use waaay too many emoticons when I write!

Knowing: I have the most amazing girlfriends in the world! Furrealz! =D>

Thinking: About how I need to go for a movie.. Like to the cinema... Think the last I did that was my birthday 2 or 3 years ago

Feeling: Rather Optimistic!

Opening: Another pack of Barvita's :)

Happy August y'all!! 

Love & Light

Being Awino :)

The only constant in life is change

~Sikumbuki~

Change is good. Seriously. I promise :)

When I started writing, it was mostly to share an experience that shaped me, and share my lessons with people as I got through it myself.

But I have honestly been feeling over it. And it's been getting harder and harder to write. For the past few months I was even considering shutting down the blog altogether. (Also, writers sometimes run out of things to say - for reals! Aaaand, having to be deep all the time gets exhausting :-D)

However, a few days ago, one of my friends asked a very interesting question in a group forum we have - if you had the opportunity to go back in time or into the future, what would you choose?

And therein, I got my answer

So earlier this year, I did a program at my church called Mizizi. This proved to be the final step I needed to get myself to where I needed to be. At the end of the program, a couple of us were asked to do video interviews about our stories to be used to encourage other people to do the program. I didn't expect that I would have to go in real detail about my story, but I was asked to in the middle of the interview and I decided to do it. As that video played over and over and over at church, it dawned on me that I'm past it.

Back to the question my friend asked - I would do neither. Every experience in the past has shaped me to who I am, and I LOVE who I am. And as for the future- well, what I am doing right now is great. And what I am doing now will build to that. So I am also in love with who I am becoming!

I am simply enjoying being me. Being Awino.

And so that is the new direction the blog will be taking. My day to day - right from the days when I have amazing deepness to share, to my more quirky silly days. My style, my cooking, my friends, my love, what I'm reading, where I'm going - all of it!

My writing was more private before. Private in the sense that I never "put it out there". I just shared it with a few of my friends, and they did most of the visiting and telling. I was never confident talking about my story, part of me felt ashamed so it was hard to openly speak about it. But now, I feel like I am over that.

I write. It is the best way I express myself. And it is something I would love to share with the world. I really don't feel like I want or need to be anonymous anymore

So welcome to my world, share in my experiences. Talk to me and I will talk to you :)

Also, wish me a happy birthday - it's my birthday yo!!

Love & Light

F.R.O.G

After an almost 3 month hiatus - I am back :-)

Now, those who know me well know that I have this (terrible) tendency to hibernate and disappear when I have things going on that I have no idea how to tackle or handle, or even what to do. My contract at work wasn't renewed at the end of March due to lack of funding (I worked for an NGO). I knew this was going happen from the end of February and had hoped that something would open up by that time but that wasn't the case.

So here I am now - unemployed for one month and four days now.

During this period, I have come to the realization that I really like to be in control of the things that happen in my life. I don't like not being in control or not knowing what is happening or is going to happen. It sucks. Yet a part of me feels like I keep being thrown in these situations because God needs me to learn how to trust Him and I probably haven't fully learned how to do that yet.


In many ways, this should be a depressing period for me. It usually is for most people. And I have definitely had my depressing moments over the past 3 months. I will not lie, I have had my days when I have been really down, I have thought and thought till I could think no more, I have felt like everything is falling apart. I have been there. But now, having come to the end of one month and having passed pay day without receiving a salary, I smile.

I smile because if there is one thing I have learned beyond any doubt is this - God is my sustenance, God is my provider, God is my source. Being off a salary, even if for a short period of time, has really given me perspective. God provides. He does it in many ways and sometimes, a salary is just one of those ways. But we often get so tangled up in that, believing that we provide for ourselves simply because we go to work everyday and get paid for that. But with or without a salary, God takes care of me. And God will take care of you. It doesn't matter how he chooses to do it, He will ultimately do it.

Secondly, I have never felt as much part of a team as I do currently. Mr. O and I are a team. And if there is one thing I know beyond doubt, we are in this together. He has really had my back over the past three months. We've thought together, planned, changed plans, prayed, hoped, trusted.... We have all round really bonded on a whole new level as a result of this experience. This is another thing I am grateful for. I am grateful to have shared this experience and learned the lessons we've learned through this BEFORE getting married. I consider this a privilege. And in the entire time we have been together, there has really been no experience as sweet as learning to trust God and wait on him together, as a unit.

Whatever situation you find yourself with, allow God to show himself strong for you. Allow him to perform that miracle for you. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Whatever situation you find yourself in - good or bad - learn to always be grateful. Because wherever God plants you, he wants you to learn, grow and thrive so that he can propel you to your next assignment. So thank Him. Every single day. There is absolutely nothing that happens in your life that catches God by surprise, but even more importantly, there is nothing that happens in your life that you and He cant handle together.

F.R.O.G - He's got you :-)

       

You Will Never Walk Alone

" Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

The past 2 weeks have been really rough on Mr.O and I. Quite rough. I'm not one to share the roses and not share the thorns because they are a package deal. We are good now, but in the past two weeks I have learned so much but the biggest lesson is this - when you commit your life to someone, you should never have to walk alone. That's why they are called life partners.

It sounds almost obvious, right? That's why we are together. I'm here for you and you are here for me. It's easy to remember that in the happy times. It's even easy to remember that in the rough times, when the rough times hit only one of you. But its also extremely easy to lose focus of that when the rough times hit the both of you, and hit you hard. It becomes easy to think that it's partly your responsibility to figure out whatever is going on. It becomes easy to think that you need to sort this out on your own.

From the time we are children, we are raised to be independent. We are raised to figure life out on our own and have a plan and ensure it works. This coupled with the fact that we are also inherently selfish, entrusting yourself to someone and trusting that they will actually be there for you is a skill. And it is a skill that takes time to cultivate. But that's why you are a team. A problem shared is a problem half solved.At the end of the day, is is not HIS problem or HER problem, it is OUR problem. And WE will figure it out. You will never walk alone.

I believe that's one of the things that makes marriage so amazing - you don't have to have it all figured out before you say I do. It's a lifetime journey and you will keep learning along the way. You will keep learning how to allow this stranger into your space and into your life. You will learn how to stop being selfish. You will learn how to stop being proud. You will learn that you are a team. You will learn that you are not alone. If absolutely no one else will be there, your partner will. If absolutely no one else gets it, your partner should.

Like I said, this is not something that will occur to you naturally simply because you are in love. It is a process. It will be refined and imprinted in your brain through the years as you do this thing called life together. As you go up the mountains and down the valleys. After all, smooth seas a skilled sailor never did make.

So this is the commitment we made to each other at the end of all this - You will never walk alone. We wrote it down, we signed on it and we promised to always remind each other of this whenever we begin to forget it.

You will never walk alone :-)

"I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we are together. I'm good all by myself, but baby you make me better"

~Fabolous/Ne-Yo~

Keeping Score

Would you understand what unconditional love is if the person you loved met all your conditions?

~Horacio Jones~

Relationships aren't designed for selfish people.

When it comes to Love and relationships, experience has taught me that things are rarely exclusively black or white. We'd like to believe they are but they really aren't. However, that being said, one of the things I know falls in the black or white category is this - A relationship is not a competition. We say that a lot, but I think very few people understand what that means (myself included, sometimes LOL!).

Have you ever been in a relationship (and/or situationship) where you feel like you are giving everything but getting back very little from your partner? Most times when you feel this way, if you talk about it to people the first thing you shall be told is how this person doesn't deserve you and you should pack up your bags and leave (#ByeFelicia). So if I'm not getting from you what I feel I should be getting from you, or what I feel I deserve from you, this relationship cant work. The thing is though, as "good sounding" as that advice is, it's not always practical in a relationship. And growing up has taught me that not every piece of advice that sounds good, is actually good.

It's important to remember, we don't arbitrarily choose who to love. We all have our likes, preferences etc, that may subconsciously determine who we grow to like, and consciously determine who we choose to love. We pick and choose who to like based on their personalities and character and how that blends with ours, but when we choose to do the work of loving them for life (and it is work), then you just do it. That being said - we are supposed to give 100/100 in a relationship. You should give 100 and so should your partner. But this is not always the case. Sometimes you are running on 40 and your partner is still on 100; sometimes they will be on 50 and you will be on 70. Basically it fluctuates a lot and during this fluctuation we "rely" on our partner to stay strong as we fuel up.

Yet herein lies the issue - the moment that you even notice there's a fluctuation, it probably means someone has been keeping score. And nothing will drain you of your fuel faster than keeping score. And I will be the first to admit that there are many times I find myself keeping score, and mostly when my love tank is running close to E.

Here's the thing - Human Beings are at their very core SELFISH. By nature. No one needs to teach you this. We are all about "what's in it for me". We walk into relationships with expectations, and if we are frank with ourselves, most of our expectations have to do with us individually - what my partner will do for ME. How our relationship will make ME feel. And this is just how we are built. Yet, this will always end up being the very basis of how we begin keeping score. We become unhappy because our partner isnt doing the things we expected them to do, or making us feel the way we expected them to make us feel.

After some time of feeling this way, the mature mind will begin to realize It shouldn't be about what you can get, but what you can give. I actually (honestly) received the most satisfaction and happiness in my relationship when i stopped expecting him to do things for me. Also, you have to be a great catch in order to get a great catch. Some people want to have their prince charming yet their soul's uglier than a garbage collection truck. You want a man/woman who can be all these amazing things to you and do all these amazing things for you, but what do you (yes, YOU) have to put on the table? If I'm doing all I can to ensure that your needs are met, and you are doing all you can to ensure my needs a met, what a happy world this would be :-)

Also, Worrying about "settling" will destroy your life. And lets face it, the fear of settling especially when trying to select a life partner, is one of the major cause of keeping score. Of course you know when you deserve better. There's those people you're with and you just know you deserve better. However it should be because you realize that who you are and how you understand love versus who they are and how they understand love just don't mix. And sometimes this is the reason why you feel like you're with a person who just isn't meeting your expectations. You want to love someone who you feel deserves your love (Ladies especially). You want to feel like they work for it, and you loving them is the reward for their work. And all this is because we are all afraid of "settling", settling being ending up with someone who we feel is not deserving of the love we have to give. But, the whole point of love is that we don’t deserve it. We are flawed human beings running around and making mistakes. We are, and will always be, imperfect. It’s not good or bad, that’s just the way things are. We don’t need to become perfect in order to love and be loved. No one needs to be good enough to be loved because the act of loving someone has nothing to do with this. Love has nothing to do with measuring up, we don’t sit around with a clipboard and start (or stop) loving someone based on how many good or bad acts and characteristics we can check off. Love is a gift, not a purchase.

The main reason I've taught myself to stop keeping score is that keeping Score will always leave you unsatisfied and unhappy. When you say “I will only love someone who gives me as much love as I give them” you are instituting a scoreboard, and once a relationship has a scoreboard you will never be happy with it again. Think about it — does it sound at all pleasurable to spend your relationship tallying the number of nice things you have done for them versus what they have done for you? Thinking in terms of “enough” is a poison to any relationship because nothing is ever enough or permanent enough to stop thinking about the scoreboard.

So challenge yourself to get rid of the scoreboard if at all you have one. And if you don't, I hope this helps you think twice before walking down that road. Remember - you would never understand what unconditional love is if the person you loved met all your conditions.

You Are Perfect

I love The Bachelor.

Corny I know, but I am not ashamed to admit it :-) .. Everyone needs their dose of trashy television and this is mine. Though also having studied psychology, its just psychologically fascinating to me.

Anyways, this seasons Bachelor is the sweetest guy called Chris (AKA Farmer Chris). He's a large scale farmer (I love Farmers y'all!!) and made it to top 4 of the previous season of The Bachelorette. He only got kicked out because she just couldn't see herself living as a farmers wife in the middle of nowhere (She has no idea what she's missing out on - this is the life!) .. If I wasn't with Mr.O, I would have applied for a Greencard to go and steal Chris' heart :-D

But this post is not about the Bachelor, though it is inspired by it. After failing to receive roses and being kicked out it was very interesting to me that two of the ladies said the exact same thing in their exit interview - "I wish I could know what I did wrong so that I could Fix it"

Wow. That blew me away. Especially that not one, but two totally different women said it.

Two years ago, that would have just passed me. two years ago, I actually thought like that. That statement was normal. Right now, not so much. The thing is I realized relationships will not always work out. And it wont always have something to do with you, It wont necessarily be something that you need to fix, There wont be something about you that you will have to change in order to make the person stay or want to  be with you.

It really is as simple as that.

Granted, we all have certain character or personality flaws that could use a little improvement. Everyone could use some self improvement, But it should NEVER have to be because you are trying to get someone, keep someone, or convince someone that they should stay with you. This thing that you may want to fix so badly for this person will be absolutely celebrated by another person. Think about how much infinitely easier a relationship with someone who 'fits' into you would be, as compared to being with someone that you are constantly trying to improve for.

It really is as simple as that.

There will always be something about you that's not right to a person that's not right for you. Your flaws are perfect for the heart that's meant to love you. (See video below)

You are perfect. Never forget it :-)

When Winter Becomes Home

Happy New Year guise! :-)

I am  laughing because I finished this post, my computer crashed and I lost it. ALL OF IT. It didn't save. And yes I am laughing because this year I choose to laugh through all my "problems", because I know there are going to be quite a number of them (starting with all the money that needs to appear in my life by October, wacha tu!). And this happened on Monday. Today is Thursday. Ummm... Clearly...

I am just going to try and reconstruct it, for all I know, maybe what I had said in the original post was not what was meant to be said,

"Just because things didn't work out the way you wanted doesn't mean they didn't work out the way God panned."

~Sarah Jakes Roberts~

I came across Sarah Jakes sometime back on Instagram. This girl really is the poster child for that quote above. Pregnant at 13, married, divorced now re-married.. all this coupled with the added pressure of being the daughter of one of the biggest preachers in the world. Yet she's still standing. Flourishing in fact.

One of the things that has always gotten me through some of the tougher periods of my life is knowing that it could have been worse. And for some people, it is indeed worse. Whenever things are feeling crap in your life, it usually feels a lot like Winter. Its cold, its dreary. It snows and rains a lot. Everything seems dull. You never want to go outside. And you feel all these things inside your heart. And this state of feeling can easily become home for you. You can easily become comfortable existing in that state of constantly walking with a cloud over your head.

So if this year hasn't started out great for you for whatever reason (and i do mean whatever reason - big or small) - stop and remember, its just a season. Even Winter doesn't last forever. So don't allow that winter that you feel to become home for you. As one of my bible school teachers (yes, i went to bible school)- "Cry a river, build a bridge and get over it!"

I mostly celebrate my new year on my birthday - it's when I'll set out a lot of the things that I would want to do or accomplish for the next year. This year has forced me to do it in January, for various reasons, but one of the things I have purposed for myself is to be happy. Actually, to be joyful. Coz happiness is dependent on your situation. Joy comes from your soul.

And I would encourage you to do the same. Purpose to have Joy this year. After all, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it :-)

Have a joyful year, wont you? :-)




Ps: If you are struggling to keep track of all the good things that are happening to you despite whatever storm you may feel like you are in - make a point of writing down at least one good thing that happened to/for you each day. Something that made you smile. Fold it and keep it away. Do this everyday, and  store them in the same place. Whenever you are feeling really run down, or even at the end of the year, take out those notes and read through them. You'll realize it's not always so bad after all :-)

When You're Mad

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better."

Disclaimer: that quote really has nothing to do with this post, it's just one of my favorites of 2014. Also I have been EPICALLY (does such a word exist?) lazy because this post should have gone up like 2 weeks ago, its just been sitting in my drafts :-/


I often feel like in the relationships I've had in the past, I've done enough fighting for a lifetime. I really used to "enjoy" fighting. I was really honestly so good at it. I wasn't the kind to randomly pick fights for the fun of it, but I would never lose.

Right now, I'm just over it though. I really wish I could do without it and I've been trying to put myself in a space where I can avoid it. Ok, avoid it is the wrong word. More like learn how to express disappointment of have disagreements without it having to turn into a fight. Only problem is, I am generally a Type A personality personality, And I think this is the one thing about me that all the men I have been with like and dislike in equal measure. They love that I can think and express myself and all that, I think they just never realize this will extend to all areas, including when you make me unhappy. Then you throw me in the ring with Mr.O who is equally Type A, hehehehe.. THITIMAA!

Anyways, that's beside the point. I think the problem is many times we demonize fighting and disagreements because everywhere we look (and by everywhere I mean Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat etc etc) all we see are these happy plastic perfect couples. So when here in your real relationship you have a fight, you almost begin to think its the end of the world and y'all must be so wrong for each other. Granted there is a level of fighting that is EXTREMELY unhealthy and makes the relationship toxic, And of course there are those couples who never fight (or so I hear). But the majority of normal, healthy, well adjusted couples do disagree and do get on each others necks. It happens, it's normal. Why? Because the only way to people can be together/live together and agree on absolutely everything is if they are exactly the same person. And no two people are exactly the same.

One of my married friends recently told me that what she considers to be one of the worst pieces of advice she was given before she got married is "Don't go to bed mad". We are all familiar with that one, right? And it sounds great - in theory. The practicality of it however can be much more different. Not all disagreements can be resolved in a couple of minutes. Sometimes disagreements get blown up because of other stress inducing factors outside the two of you. Sometimes all you need is a good nights rest and your perspective will be totally different the next day or in a couple of days.
And I honestly think people should talk about it more.

I feel like if people were real about the situations they have going on in their relationships/marriages, there may actually be a lot less people ending their relationships/marriages. The thing is we all struggle (alone), and we try and make our way through the mud and muck (alone) because we actually believe that we are alone. And we are more interested in putting up appearances that reaching out and getting help. And sometimes help could be as simple as recognizing and accepting that you are not the only ones in this and that there is nothing wrong if you are having a disagreement, and you will not die if you admit it. Celebrate your good days and talk about your bad days as well.

A great relationship is made up of two good forgivers. That's it. If you know you did something wrong that hurt your partner, humble yourself and apologize. If your partner genuinely apologizes, forgive them. No relationship can survive without constant apology and forgiveness, Yes, even for we Type A's. Something that Mr.O and I have been learning the hard way :-)

Remember - when it comes to relationships and fighting,  you can be right or you can be happy, You can rarely ever be both.

Arctic Fox

"...Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother's house..."

Song of Songs 3:4 (NIV)

So about a week ago, Mr.O came and presented himself to my parental unit (AKA my owners). He basically came to introduce himself (though they had met before) and inform then that they are in possession of something that he is interested in and would like to pursue a transfer of ownership at some point in the near future,

This was an experience, to say the least.

He had already presented me to his parents, a little over a month ago..probably going to two months ago. If I thought that was tough, it paled in comparison to his experience. He always told me that him taking me to his parents is extremely different from him coming to see mine. Very true.

Anyways, my owners are pretty cool. Anyone who knows them will tell you, They aren't really intimidating (though my dad does look intimidating), and they are pretty hilarious. But any set of parents can be intimidating when you come and tell them that you want to whisk their daughter away..especially when it's their only daughter. Because at the end of the day, you want to be sure you gave her away to the right man.

Mr.O has always told me that he can't "propose" to me, until he has my parents approval to do so. Makes sense. I know that this is not always possible depending on the kind of parents you have, but I think it is actually a great way to go about things. Why? Because, accountability.

My ex never actually met with my parents to declare intent to marry me. We had been together for a while, he was technically family by that point. I guess we all just sort of knew and assumed that we would get married. So when the time came, he proposed, I said yes then I went to face my owners about it. We talked at length, lots of questions, clarifications etc.. But I remember leaving that meeting thinking and wishing that he had been there. That aside, when he decided he was done, he up and left and didn't feel the need to explain himself to anyone, because he wan't really accountable to anyone.

Based on that experience, I told my owners that the next man would have to come and see them first before he asked me anything. This was way before I met Mr. O. So imagine my pleasant surprise when shortly after we begun dating, Mr. O told me that he wanted to introduce me to his parents, and once that was done, he would like to come and speak to my parents because it is important to him that both sets of parents are in agreement with the general plan before he can officially propose and thus begin planning in details. I was so wowed by this, because I didn't even ask yet it was something that was extremely important to me, and I'd always wondered how I would bring it up. This man just kept meeting and surpassing my mental checklist :-)

So anyways, the day before he was to come, we had a big fight over what we now both agree was something very stupid. I should write about this later. But we were unable to resolve it due to circumstances both within our control, and some out of our control. And so even by the time he got home, we weren't really on speaking terms as such. But I am the queen of putting on a show, and so the show went on.

The entire process went pretty well, tense at first but things got more relaxed. He was asked A LOT of questions. I was pretty much quiet the entire time up till the end when he had to declare his intentions toward me, and I was asked whether we are on the same page or I was hearing of this for the first time ;-D ... And just like that, we are all systems go. Granted the excitement of it all really only mostly settled in the next day because we had to spend a considerable amount of time that evening fixing our light-bulb (based off of one of my favorite quotes - "when a light bulb is not working, you fix the light bulb. You don't sell the house"), but it's exciting all the same.

We do have most of our plans thought out and written down, and now its pretty much trying to actualize them. I would never have imagined in a thousand years that my year would end like this. I am now really actually Mrs. O designate :-), and in a few short (or maybe long) months, I will be Mrs. O .. And this man was worth the wait. He is worth everything I have been through. He is worth the highs and the lows. He is worth the time it took to get myself back together. Worth the times I got impatient and wanted my man now-now. He is not my better half, he is my better whole. It was necessary for each of us to find God, and find ourselves before we could find each other. That would explain why we kept "missing" each other even though we were in each others lives. I finally know what it is to be with someone who compliments you, which he does in almost every way. He doesn't complete me, I am complete on my own. And so is he. That's the beauty of what we have. He is my Arctic Fox (a breed of foxes especially famous because they are monogamous and mate for life once they pick a partner) - Forever, For Always.

Love & Light

Of Seasons and Friendships

"When I loved myself enough, I begun leaving whatever wasn't healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving"

Kim McMillen

It scares me sometimes how little I struggle to let go of friendships that no longer serve me, or that I no longer serve.

Maybe this is because I started losing friends at such a young age. Most of the friends I had as a kid, who were supposed to be my best friends for life, either moved to other parts of the country or left the country. As a result, in my younger years, I had a very hard time forming attachments. Most of my friendships were for here and now, for when I can see you. Other than that, forget it.

I had a few friends though that I somehow managed to keep through the years. One of whom was very close to me, or at least I thought was very close to me. I recently put that friendship in the bin. And I have a couple of reasons as to why that happened. It was just a decision I had to make. I didn't feel it necessary to inform the other party, I just stopped trying, It was taking too much effort and I just don't believe it should really ever have to be that hard. But in this whole process I was greatly reminded of something that I learned years back

Reason Season Lifetime.

Some people come into your life for very specific reasons. Probably there to meet a very specific need and once that is done, so is their purpose in your life. There's seasonal peoples - these are in your life for a specific period. And then that's that. Then there's your lifetime people. These will weather the storms of life and they are there for good.

Funny thing is though, I have come to see that we meet most of our lifetime people as adults. Granted it would be awesome if we could carry some of our childhood friends into forever (and sometimes we do), but that rarely happens. Why? Because it takes mastery of the art of growing together without growing apart. And that is not an easy thing to do.

As I've grown older I have come to realize I need to travel lighter. Over the past year, while I was dealing with the break up, it also provided me with an opportunity to evaluate and re-define friendship. Prior to that, I had believed I had some 100 plus friends, funny how through the whole process only about 5 of them showed up and stayed. And I actually do not hold anything against anyone as far as that is concerned, I just realize that we probably never were friends to begin with.

So I have taken it upon myself to challenge myself to go above and beyond for the people I have allowed into my life as friends. To be there. To show up. Both when it is absolutely necessary for me to show up, and even when it may not seem as necessary. Granted, we are adults - we are busy, we have lots of things going on, each of us trying to figure out and set up our own lives. But you will always ALWAYS make time for the things that matter. I say make time because you will have to be intentional about it. If you leave it as a matter of finding time, it may be a while before that happens.

I choose to embrace my friends for whatever season they are in my life for. Because it is that bond that will carry me through the period that they are there for. I also celebrate those who have been here before, and no longer are I still believe your presence in my life made a difference and contributed to who I am. And even though we may be more of acquaintances than friends, I can wish you nothing but peace in your life.

All in all, just like any other relationship, friendships require work. Sometimes the ways in which we meet our friends is nothing short of miraculous. But keeping these people as our friends takes conscious effort. It wont just happen.

Love on your friends today, wont you?

Love & Light :-)

Awii

These Are The Fudamendos

Fundamendos.
This song really tickles me. I remember when it first got out and was being shared a lot on Facebook. A couple of my Christian Saved Facebook friends caught an emotion because apparently in sharing the song we are making light of and promoting promiscuity. I just thought that song was hilarious. And I still laugh every time I hear it. Every single time.

But those are not the 'fundamendos' I am referring to in this case. That's not the point of this post.

"Opposites attract, Similarities maintain"

In my stint in this world of dating (Which I really did not enjoy. I don't like dating, I really don't) I figured there's so many people who look great on paper, and leave you with such a good first impression but could never move from there. If we ever decided to get into a relationship, it would probably only last a few months or as long as we'd care to pretend it was working before admitting there was no long term hope here. And it was always because of the fundamentals.

I always used to believe the fundamentals were the big things - religion, children, marriage, education, career. But I realized with time, it actually boils down to what really matters to you. What are your priorities? What can you compromise on, and what cant you? That's what makes up the fundamentals. This can range from the very big things (or what are considered to be the big things) as I've stated above, or the little things, which may not be so little to you seeing as you would not be happy in a relationship without them.

For me, I learned that I can not be in a secret relationship. Private, yes. Secret, no. Everyone needs to know of us. Not everyone needs to know about us. Neither can I "go with the flow". You know, that awkward place where you act like you are in a relationship, but it's never been defined.  I also don't believe in taking forever to define a relationship. Religion matters to me. Marriage matters to me. There has to be an end point to the relationship, and it has to be defined and time bound. Of course there's a whole bunch of other things as well.

The thing is, sometimes you may find yourself with a person who is "great" and so you try to fix your needs and make adjustments and compromises just so that the two of you can work. And sometimes you will find that you are breaking your back for someone who isn't lifting a finger for you. Other times, you are both breaking your backs, when you really need not be.

I don't think relationships should be hard. I don't think they are supposed to be.. I actually don't enjoy listening to relationship stories of how this, that and the other battle was fought and how they overcame. It's almost as though it is constantly fighting and overcoming. Eish. You just can't be fighting and overcoming all the time. And if that's all you are up to, you are probably not as compatible as you think. I used to think those stories were cute. I don't anymore. Most of the times I hear those stories I find myself thinking "You deserve better". It's just not cute. I know I've mentioned before, I don't entirely believe in the concept of the one. There's tons of people that you can be compatible with, do your self a favor and pick the highest compatibility you can possibly get.

Of course because we are human even of you got someone that you were 98% compatible with, there will be those moments when the 2% causes D.R.A.M.A, but that should be the exception rather than the rule. And what determines compatibility? The fundamentals. Be with someone who is a fundamentally similar to you as possible. then add on the rest.

I like my relationships easy. Not the lazy kind of easy where you don't put in the work, but the kind of easy where who I naturally am and who you naturally are just blend so well together that it never feels like I am actively putting work into it. Basically, a relationship is work but I don't want my relationship to feel like a job. We live in a world full of so many mediocre things, love should NEVER have to be one of them.

Long and short - define your fundamentals. Focus on someone who shares as many of them as possible. Remember - sometimes your struggles are an indicator of how great your love is, sometimes they are just an indicator that you aren't right for each other

Love & Light :-)

Sometimes It's You..

"It's not always your EX who's an example of who you don't need to date again. Sometimes, you're that EX"

Pierre Alex Jeanty

And most of the time, you don't even realize it. Whenever it comes to relationship arguments, fights and fall-outs, we are always the good guy. Even that person who cheated on their significant other will never think it was their fault that the relationship ended.

I sometimes wonder what my ex tells his potential girlfriends (or probably even current - I really don't know if he's dating or not) when time to talk about the ex-s comes about. I am one of those ladies who has to know it all. All your ex-es (both the serious ones and the not so serious ones) and why the relationships ended. This has more to do with the guy than the ladies he dated. I realized that you can tell a lot about a person based on their previous relationships. spoiler alert - I will know when you are lying.

Seriously though - do you tell them the whole truth, half the truth, find a way to paint yourself in good light.. Is there ever fear that they will change their minds once they really know what went down. Is there fear that if you give half truths that someone who knows the full truth may one day out you? Don''t get me wrong. I'm not encouraging you to dwell on the issue of the ex. And don't delve into it looking for trouble. I just think you learn a lot more about a person from their past, and it helps shed better light as to who they are now.

There's this one guy who I knew briefly (maybe not so briefly), and he would completely refuse to talk about his ex. He'd been single for about 2 years when I met him and he and his ex had been together about a year. Anytime I would ask why that relationship ended, he would absolutely refuse to talk about it. "the past is the past" .. Ha! That for me is a BIG red flag. Almost as big as if you do not know where your man lives. And true enough, he turned out to be a total flake in the end.

So when I read the above quote, it got me thinking - how many people actually do a thorough self assessment at the end of a relationship? Were you done wrong, or did you do wrong? And even if you were done wrong, is there anything you could have done different of better? Have you walked out of that situation a better person for your next?

Or are you the ex that everyone gets warned about?

Granted, there is someone who will see the good in you and not think you acted a fool (or look past it) and want to be with you, but the truth is if you don't makes things right within you, you will act a fool again. You will find yourself repeating those very patterns that caused things to go off last time.

And if you aren't the ex that everyone keeps getting warned about - good on you. keep doing you, and keep getting better. Because everyone can always be a little more epic

So all I'm saying is - sometimes it's you. We all want a good man/woman, but just because you want a good man/woman doesn't mean you are ready for one. Introspection is very important - sometimes it's not you, but sometimes it is.

Love & Light

What's In A Ring?

"To make it - really make it - as a surgeon - it takes major commitment. We have to be willing to pick up that scalpel and make a cut that may or may not do more damage than good. It's all about being committed, because if we're not we have no business picking up that scalpel in the first place."

~Meredith Grey~

It's engagement season. Or at least, that's what I choose to call it. In a span of about 3 weeks, like 6 people I know, 4 of them friends have gotten engaged. Or received rings, because by my definition of engagement, some of them were already engaged. I think they just weren't aware :-D

This picture was doing the rounds sometime last week:

It really tickled me just how many ladies caught a feeling about this ring. A friend of mine posted this on my Facebook wall and my brother's comment had me laughing out loud - "Ladies, what's wrong with this ring?" He was super serious, by the way. He honestly didn't see an issue with it. And frankly, neither did I. But not because of the ring or the size of the "rock", it was more because of the ways in which my thought process surrounding engagements and marriage has evolved.

I believe that the way in which we have materialized engagements has really watered down the seriousness of the commitment you are getting into. When I started off, I said some of these people that got engaged were actually already engaged, they just didn't know it. How? Here's the thing - if the two of you have discussed marriage, seriously, you are on the same path as far as where this relationship is heading, you have spoken to both sets of parents/guardians, you've probably even set a date for your marriage - you are engaged. Ring or no ring. What I find ridiculous is the fact that people are unable to consider themselves engaged UNTIL they get the ring. That is a bit ridiculous to me.

Maybe its experience. Having gone through an engagement that didn't work out, I know better than anyone that him giving you that ring and planning that elaborate proposal doesn't necessarily mean that he's going to marry you. There's also that dude who may not give you a ring, but will never leave your side. What would you rather have?

So when my friend posted this on my wall, my comment was - is engagement the ring, or the commitment? Of course I added an emoji after that to lighten the mood, but the comment in itself was deadly serious.

Now I believe if you have been in a serious relationship with this man, then he will know what matters to you and will likely do his best to give you what you desire and make you happy. I just think that if your acceptance/rejection of his proposal is pegged on the ring he offers you (or lack thereof) you may not be as prepared as you would want to believe.

Of course we all want nice blingage...that's probably why we spend so much on those engagement rings and wedding bands. I just think that it needs to move beyond that. The rings are symbols of the commitment, they are not the actual commitment. They aren't. When you fight with your husband, taking off your wedding band wont make you any less married than if you had it on. The ring doesn't make the relationship, the two of you do.

I told Mr.O, the minute he gets my parents blessing to marry me, we are engaged. Ring or no ring. It doesn't really matter to me anymore. .Why? Because, by the time you are meeting my parents to seek a blessing, clearly you and I have already discussed marriage in detail. I'm already on board. Should you choose to give me a symbol of that commitment, great. I would boldly and proudly wear it, But the commitment is in my heart. In the place that no one but God sees. And that particular commitment is what holds most dear to me. That I gave you my word, and I have to hold myself accountable to that.

But then again, that's just me... :-)

Love & Light

Awii

Late Night Musings

The concept of marriage baffles me. Its just so confusing. Well, maybe confusing is not the right word. Complicated? I'll go with complicated.

Why?

I've always struggled to understand what really makes marriage. Why certain people don't feel married until they have a wedding, never mind they've been living together 10 years and have 3 kids. Who decides that you are married? I would think the two of you, but it is apparently not that simple.

A cousin of mine recently lost his wife. Currently, she is being refered to as his "wife". Why in quotes? Because no one in the family really knew he was married until he called to inform us that he'd lost his wife. (He's sort of estranged from the family). Anyways, despite the fact that theyd been together 4 years, he's not going to get to bury her. Her sister will. Why? Because he never "officially" took her. I've always struggled with this "officially taking" theory. Not that I disagree with it, it just baffles me. I don't understand how you could have built a life with someone for years, but at the end of it, it doesn't count because you never officially took them. My question has always been- is the marriage agreement between my partner and I or between my partners family and I?

Its also so strange to me how whatever relationship you have really means nothing to the world unless you have a piece of paper from the government to back it up. Until you sign that paper, no one takes your relationship seriously, no matter how serious it is to you. I remember one of the biggest struggles I had with my mum was to get her to stop referring to my boyfriend as my friend. I mean, of course he is my friend, but he's also so much more. I just always felt as though constantly calling him my friend and introducing him as my friend in some way made light of what we had.

Its just an interesting process to think about. You would think that because the marriage is between the two of you, and the two of you are the obea going to live together, that a decision between the two of you would suffice. Right? Wrong. Often when people actually do that, we call them out for doing it wrong. Doing it right is seeking our parents blessing (AKA Permission), having all these many traditional ceremonies culminating in this bloody expensive wedding which is thrown just so that for 1 minute, you can sign a piece of paper that means the government now recignizes your union.

Crazy.

Yet, that's our norm. And anything contrary feels off. I am at a place in my life where I would ve quite happy to walk to the government offices with my partner and my witnesses, sign my paper and move on with my life. But, things have to be done right. Bear in mind that there are as many definitions of right as there are people.

I met Mr.O's parents 2 days ago. It was a very interesting experience. But anyways, a lot of small talk and a lot of hard questions later, they welcomed me to their family and gave their bleasing (AKA Approval) for us to get married, and even prayed over us. I wont lie, that moment = all the feels. The whole shebang will be repeated when Mr.O comes to see my parents.

But, it was through this process that it finally hit me. We are a communal society and so whether we like it or not, you getting married will always be everyone's business. Even the process of getting your marriage legally recognized doesn't allow for you to elope (coz seriously, how is it still eloping when you have to give 21 days notice of your intent to marry?).. you cant just walk to NaxVegas and place a ring on someones finger and decide ur married and not give a hoot what anyone thinks. You aren't going to get married and live in a cocoon. You will need people. And I guess its just easier to have people if said people are all in agreement that you are married.

Still, deep in my heart I still feel like most of these things are formalities. Why? Because my decision to marry is mine. And come rainbows or hail, my partner was my choice, and I will have to deal with that. I dont think that right now my mind could be changed on a decsion to marry just because I didn't get some blessings (AKA Approvals). But then again, easier said than done ey?

Sigh.

One day, it shall make sense

Sister Sister

I don't have any sisters.

This was a fact that took me a loooong time to process and accept (I always hoped that my parents would try and get me one, but I gave up on that at around age 10).. I really needed a sister, especially in my late teenage years and early twenties. I think that was a period in my life when I could really have used a sister. I would look at the sister relationships that my friends had and feel like I was missing out on a lot.

I have a spare bed in my bedroom. i would always imagine that was my sisters bed. In my mind, my sister was older, because that's what I needed at the moment. There's days i'd come home after having a very good day, and imagine how we would probably just sit in our room and talk and laugh and giggle about it. Talk about boys, our crushes, our love lives. I imagine we would fight - about clothes, about nothing (those would be hormone initiated fights,  you know, PMS). I imagine that she would be my pillow. That on those bad days, she is the one I would cry on, instead of my pillow.

She would be a kick ass sister.

But I didn't get her. And I probably never will. But what I got in exchange is infinitely better. God knew exactly what I needed and rallied a bunch of ladies into my life who when put together, form the perfect sister.

Today, I choose to celebrate my friends. My friends who have become like my family. My friends who are my sisters. These people have laughed with me, cried with me, prayed with me, been silly with me. Some of us go way back, some of us were brought together by chance and circumstance. I celebrate each and every one of you. You are the family I got to choose, and I think I made some pretty good choices.

Too often, we take people for granted. Especially the people who are always around, no questions asked. But these people are my lifeline. They will remember the most mundane things concerning my life, and they will remember the most important things. They will ask all the hard questions, cause me to think and challenge myself and they also still accept me as I am, flaws and all. I am blessed to count each of you as part of my life. They are also the most avid readers of this my blog - which I am convinced is just read my me and them :-D

I may not know what it means or how it feels to have a sister, but I think I got an amazing deal.

And also, to my new baby sister - I can't wait to get to know you. And since I know you don't have a sister either, I hope that I can be the sister you always hoped to have. :-)

Love & Light

:-)