Help, I'm Drowning..

"I make no apologies for how I choose to repair what you broke"

I love the beach. It's extremely calming to just stand there and look out into the never ending ocean.  Only right now, it felt like I was smack in the middle of that ocean.

Depression.

I walked around with the pain for a while, but thankfully only had one major bout of near depression. I say thankfully because a lot of people never get out of it.
The thing people don't realize about depression is that people don't fall into depression, they slip into it. Slowly, gently, and if you don't pay close enough attention, you wont even see it happen. You will wake up one day and you will be in this deep, dark place and have no idea how you got there.

And I almost got there. Actually, I did get there. I just got pulled out in time.

The thing is, many times when you are in this place, what you feel you need is space. You want to be alone. But that's actually the last thing you need. In fact, if you are reading this and know someone who could potentially be in that place - don't give them space. They'll slip right out of your grip.

I stopped talking to people. Completely. I wasn't talking to people at work, and I'd get home and go straight to my room and lock myself in there waiting for tomorrow to arrive. And wine. I drunk lots of wine. Boy, did I drink wine. And i think this is the first time I have openly addressed this. Only two people knew I was drinking, and even then I'm not sure they knew how much. (Sidenote- prior to this I was a teetotaler). Unfortunately, I never was able to get high. But that's what I wanted. I just wanted to feel happy. I wanted this unbearable ache in my heart to go away. But my body just refused to cooperate. Turns out I am extremely alcohol tolerant (meaning it would take a lot to get me high on alcohol), so I gave up on that. I did it because I hear that's what people do. And everyone on my Instagram always looks so happy when they are out drinking :-D

I cried a lot during this period. I think it actually got to a place where I couldn't cry anymore, the tears just wouldn't come out. My eyes were almost permanently red and swollen, and so was my face generally. I'd blown my nose so much, I couldn't anymore.

For a while, those around me let me do this. day in day out. Up until they couldn't anymore. How was it broken? My father :)

One Sunday, he got home from church, came straight to my room and forced me to open the door. He looked me straight in the eye and said "You know you cannot give this boy this much power over your life. His decisions should not change who you are. You cannot allow your life to came to a standstill while his is going on". Then he left.

I was so mad. The thing is, I knew everything he was saying. He wasn't giving me any new information. I knew all this - I spent my four years in college studying psychology. But we all know- doctors make the worst patients. It hurt me a lot whenever people said such things to me because in the back of my mind, no one got it. They couldn't possibly understand. But my dad had only spoken to me twice about this- the first was when they were given the news and he asked me to explain what happened, and the second was this.

In many ways I felt it was because he felt helpless. It can't be easy to watch your child in that much pain and not be able to do anything about it.

So I picked my self up, took a shower and went to bed. I woke up the following day a completely different person.

This is not to say I was OK, far from it. I just moved from being openly sad, to being inwardly sad. I got tired of feeling as if I had become a burden to people. I needed to deal with what I was going through, but at the same time I felt that I wasn't able to properly do that when I had to constantly keep worrying about other people worrying about me. So I begun to bottle everything up. And it took an angel to be able to point out what I was doing and helped me handle it. Again, a story for another post.

The main point is this - despite whatever pain you find yourself in, for whatever reasons, you can not allow yourself to drown in there. Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional. It's a lot easier for me to say this now that I'm on the other side of it, but it is the hard truth. When something catastrophic happens, you often feel stuck and feel like everyone's life is moving on except yours. But at some point, yours has to move on too. You have to take that first step. You have to allow yourself to understand that choosing to move on doesn't invalidate your experience. That was a big issue I had to deal with. I felt that refusing to live in my pain meant that I was validating his actions. That picking up and moving on meant that I was silently saying that what he did was OK.

That is absolutely not the case. Your experience is your truth. Yours alone. Only you will ever understand it. It will always be with you, but you need to refuse to build a shrine for it. Your life cannot be built around that. Letting go of the pain doesn't mean that you are cancelling out what you went through, it simply means that you refuse to live in it. Fight through it. Fight like your life depends on it.

And trust me, you have more control over this than you could ever imagine. So much more.

"Pain. You just have to ride it out. Hope it goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions. No easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside.

Most of the time, pain can be managed. But sometimes, the pain gets you when you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn’t let up.

Pain. You just have to fight through. Because the truth is, you can’t outrun it. And life always makes more."

Everybody Knows, Almost Doesn't Count...

The problem with accepting and/or dealing with how you feel, is that you really begin to feel what you feel. Like REALLY feel it.

And boy, did I feel it.

But I wasn't sad. No, not yet. I was angry. Very angry.

I had very many reasons for my anger. And I needed to let it out, but I didn't know how. And it didn't help that the timing of all this was quite inconvenient. You see, he walked out on a Sunday. I had exams for the whole week starting Monday. One of my best friends was getting married on Friday. I honestly did not have time to think about my feelings, so I shoved them in.

Until I couldn't.

First, I was extremely angry at/with God. Like really angry. This one, deserves a whole post. And I'll address it in future. But I was mad. Mostly because according to him, it was God's fault. And I needed someone to blame. So I blamed the person I was told to blame.

Second, I was angry at him. For obvious reasons. But beyond the obvious reasons, I was angry because I felt like I had just lost four years of my life that I would never get back. I was angry because I thought that if I knew this was how it was going to end, I wouldn't have put as much effort as I did into us.. I was angry because I looked back at very many missed opportunities I missed out on for/because of him.. I don't mean missed opportunities in the sense of career or school. I mean missed opportunities in the sense of other men. Yes, I said it. I was angry because this was turning out to be the worst investment I had ever made. I was angry because he got to run away and I had to stay and clean up the mess he created. I was angry because I felt (and still do feel) that he was let off the hook too easy. Way too easy. Actually, this last point sorta still makes me angry to date. I was angry because almost doing something, is not the same as doing it. It doesn't count.

Lastly, I was angry at people. I felt let down by so many people in ways that I didn't imagine possible. I generally don't expect much of people, and so to feel let down when as is you really don't expect that much to begin with- yeah it was pretty bad. I felt as though I was being punished, yet I had done nothing wrong. People stopped talking to me. And then naturally of course, they started talking about me. I shed a lot of friends in this season. But on the bright side, I made a couple of friends as well :-) .. Again, I was angry at people because all the people that should have stood up to him, didn't. The people that should have fought for me, didn't. There were people taking care of me, but there are people who should have fought for me. He just got away with it.

But the thing that made me the most angry - Life. Goes. On.

Anyone who's walked around with a hole in their heart knows what I'm talking about. It's extremely difficult to watch everyone's life move on, including the person responsible for the situation you are in, yet you feel stuck. And I was stuck.

I missed my friend. A lot. He was the main reason I was in this mess, but he was also the only person I wanted to talk to about it. And I couldn't.

You know all those feelings you feel in your heart that you're not supposed to say out loud? I felt all of them. ALL of them. I became extremely passive aggressive, and to those that had to handle me closely, I was honestly a pain to be around (I'm sorry y'all :-)). And you would think they would understand because I've just been through hell but like I said above, Life goes on. For everyone.. And after a while, they get tired of having to deal with you. And you can't blame them. After all, this is happening to you, not to them.

The Anger set in on  Friday. It was the day I sat my last exam. It was also the day my best friend got married. I remember it so well because it felt like the day I could finally stop pretending to be ok...

And the anger ate at me for a while. It cut deep and raw. And with each passing day, I felt more and more alone and got more and more lonely... then the anger begun to subside..

That's when the sadness set in.

“You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.”

It's Not Just A River In Egypt....

"Denial: It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freaking Ocean."

Meredith Grey- Greys Anatomy (S02E04 Deny, Deny, Deny)

Clearly you've picked up I'm a big Greys fan by now (That show has some major life lessons). Anyways, I digress..

Denial.

I got home, parked outside the gate and just sat in the car. I was there for about 20 minutes. To date, I have no idea how I drove from the restaurant to the house. (Yes, he did it in a restaurant. Sigh.) I was in tears the entire time. But I sat in the car to collect myself. "What next, what do I need to do, What do I need to say, Who do I need to call/Text.. Omigosh, I need to cancel vendors.. My dress... My dress! Sigh"

I texted my closest friends aka bridesmaids, told my baby brother what happened, switched off my phone, locked myself in my room and slept. I didn't even tell my folks till the next day, and even then I wasn't really the one who told them, my Aunt did.

You know those people who have it all together? Always seem to have it figured out, strong, etc etc.. Yeah, I was one of those. And right there in the car I decided that I was not going to allow people to think I was broken by this. Never mind how badly broken I actually was.

Thing is, I wasn't in denial of that he had left. I was in denial of how I was feeling. And that is the worst kind of denial. It will eat at you from the inside day in day out, and half the time you won't even realize what it is doing to you. I cried openly only for the first two to three days but after that, I never let anyone see. I'd wake up, put a smile on my face and switched my automatic response to "I'm fine. No, really, I am."
But it got hard to keep up. So eventually I sort of just started shutting people out.

It's hard to be in a place where you constantly have to give answers to questions whose answers you are searching for yourself.

"What happened?" "I don't know"

And every time I said I didn't know, it was assumed that it was my way of shutting the conversation down. But I honestly did not know. I still do not know. The difference between then and now is t hat I made peace with the fact that I probably never will know.

And that's OK.

However, in retrospect, I can openly admit that one reason I struggled with denial so much is because I was so deeply ashamed and embarrassed. This sort of thing only happens in the movies, it's not supposed to happen to me. I have always been the sort of go to person for relationship advise and real talk - what water does my talk hold now when my man left me for absolutely no reason. I at times just wanted to bury myself in a hole and hide till all this passed over. But I couldn't. It was so hard for me to face people. I would do it daily, but it was so difficult.

I had to get to the place where I needed to accept that as long as I keep denying what I am feeling, I can never move past it.

This jackass broke my heart. And it's not OK. And it's not my fault.

I decided that this could not be my burden to carry. I didn't do anything to warrant it. I almost feel like it may have been easier if it was my fault that he left.... But this is a story for a different post...

My refusal to accept and/or deal with what was happening did not change the fact that it had happened. And you can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time..

“Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”

In The Beginning...

It was the most random of meetings... The first time I met him was in May of 2008. Then the next  time I met him was in December of  2008. At camp. We hang out a bit coz he was my friends friend. We got to talking in January of 2009 and by May, we were inseparable..

He was my best friend. The love of my life. But mostly, he was my friend.

I can not emphasize enough how important friendship is to me in a relationship. Everyone wants the butterflies and the fireworks, which I wouldn't mind either, but at the end of the day- I want that person that I can sit with in silence and it's OK. The guy that I want to tell every single aspect of my day, and they wouldn't be bothered to listen to it, because they actually want to. The Christina to my Meredith, or vice versa. (Only Greys Anatomy fans will get this one). My Person.

And that was sort of us. We were good together. We had many amazing times, but we also had some tough times. Really tough times. Like really tough. I actually think, in hind sight, if I would have known how it was all going to end, we wouldn't have made it to a year. But we did. Make it. To 4 years actually.

And he proposed.

It was an amazing period. The proposal was everything I had ever dreamed it would be. The excitement that followed, unspeakable. Plans started. Dates were set. Budgets were done. Bridal party was formed. Dress was bought.

Then, silence.

It started like a joke. We had a little tiff, which for anyone who's planned a wedding is pretty normal, but he just shut me out. One week. Two weeks.
Week three he says he needs some time to think.
Week four he says we need to talk.
So we met at the beginning of week 5 of silence.

It was over in less than 10 minutes. There was no explanation. No discussions. He just decided that he couldn't do it.

Let me tell y'all something:

"The death of a relationship is actually as painful as the death of a person."

I know some would argue against this. I have physically lost people I love and I can assure you, for me, this hurt just as much.

But the most difficult thing for me to come to terms with was how my friend could do that to me. Because as far as I know, that's just not what friends do. Friends don't handle each other that way..

And there I was. I actually felt widowed. People treated me like a widow. It's funny now, but it wasn't funny then :-D .. Like people would visit and bring food.. LOL!

But at the end of the day, I would sit  in my room, alone, and realize just how alone I was. This was my burden, this was my pain.. No matter how much other people supported me and were there for me, this was my pain and I had to figure it out alone. The path to my recovery was mine, and I had to take it alone..

And so that is where it begun...

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

I Hope You Dance

So, blogging.
I've always thought blogging is too main stream. Like everyone and their neighbor's grandmother has a blog. And then there's all these guys constantly throwing their links in your face. Sigh. I digress.
I have over the years found a couple of really good blogs. Very solid content that I have learned A LOT from. And it makes for a fun way to put down all your thought and life's stories.

And that is sort of how this blog has come to be.

I have a story. A story that I have been encouraged to own. And telling it is part of my owning process. But the blog won't dwell on the story alone, it's more of a story of my coming to birth.. How I got my groove back. How I've changed. And grown. And all the new and exciting things that are happening now.

Many times I have tried to keep the story held up in me. Every now and then I say things or give insights and people have hinted that I should write a book (LOL!) .. I don't think my thoughts could go far enough to write a book, but a post every now and then would suffice :-)

Join me, as I share my story, and I hope you can learn a thing or two.. And most importantly- if you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.