Of Life And Plans

I had a plan yo.

And by all intents and purposes, it was the perfect plan. The plan of the way my life would play out. I really believe most of us do. There's very few people who are born "free spirits", ready and willing to go wherever the winds of life would blow them.

Isn't that the whole reason we push through the education system and have dreams of the perfect job we'll get and all the steps we'll take to move up the corporate ladder? And when we'll meet the perfect man/woman and get married and the perfect children we'll have? And how our happily ever after will last 50/60 years before my spouse and i will die (or one of us will die first and the other soon after as a result of heartbreak)

Ok, I exaggerate :-D

But really. Everyone has a plan. There's just a way that either in your  mind, or on paper somewhere, you see your life playing out. Then real life actually happens. I think it's really cool if life plays out for you exactly like you had planned. But there's so much more to be gained from failed plans. At least that has been my experience.

I turned 26 a couple of weeks ago and sometimes when I sit and try to take stock of my life, almost nothing seems to be going to plan. In fact as an outsider looking in, compared to the plan I had laid out - my life looks like a hot mess at the moment. In my early 20's things were pretty much in line with the plan. Then everything begun to feel like it was just falling apart.

The crazy thing though? I have NEVER been happier than I am right now, in this very minute. Actually in every minute of every day. Granted there are those days when I have a mini anxiety attack about how bad I think things seem to look, but I get through those pretty fast.

Life not going according to plan has taught me A LOT. It has made me the strongest version of myself. It has made me learn things about me that I never knew existed. I have never been much of a patient person, but I have gained patience in ways I did not even know existed. I have learned to enjoy every minute as it comes, and take each day as it comes because that is really all you have assured - so make the most of it.

I have learned that life does not owe me anything, and nothing will be handed to me. There's even thing I will not be able to take. And all that is actually Okay. Embracing that fact has given me more peace than I have ever know. Tied to that, I have also learned that life is not a competition. We each have our own unique reason for existence, and that's what you need to focus on. You can't compare your step 20 to someone's step 100. You will be constantly miserable.

I have learned that when you are in a position where you need to sit tight and wait, believe me when I say no amount of tantrums, tears and pleading will get you out if there. Best thing to do would be to embrace the season, learn and grow, build your character, then move when it is time to move. And sometimes being in the waiting season could be the best thing you could go through - character formation.

Anyway, like I said - life has not played out at all like anything I had planned, but it is currently more amazing than I could have imagined. And I could only see the beauty surrounding this chaos when I finally embraced the change of plans and begun to focus on what is at hand.

So if your plan isn't currently working - let loose. Don't take yourself to seriously. Enjoy life, nobody comes out of it alive anyways. Keep your head up and embrace where you are right now. Embrace the journey that life will have you take, because it could be very different from what you originally planned. And it could be the best ride you ever had :)

Love & Light

Weight A Minute!

"Discipline is simply choosing between what you want now, and what you want most."

Hi. My name is Awino and I am overweight.

I do not refer to myself as "Plus Size", not anymore. Because that's not what I am. Hiding behind the plus size tag was not allowing me to see what was really happening. And as long as I was not seeing it, I couldn't change it. You can not change what you do not accept. 

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that this is not a topic I usually discuss freely or easily.  I But here I am today, baring my soul. Don't worry, I'm not here to start a fitness journey series - there's enough of those going round on Instagram :). I am here to encourage someone who feels stuck - there is a way out. But you have to want it more than you've ever wanted anything in your life.

I really don't know how to go about this post, I just know that I need to do it.

I have actually been overweight my whole life, so I'm pretty used to being big. That's been my life. I embraced it, have always been confident about it, loved my body - the works! I still do. I have an almost unshakable self confidence as far as my body goes. I never felt like I needed to change. I always felt like if you don't like what you see, look at something else :-D .. Maybe it also helped that I am tall, so I really don't look as big as I am heavy.

And I guess that's a common thing with most overweight people. We can often be real confident, borderline defensive. Trust me when I say - there is a fine line between being confident and being defensive. I know it because I have lived it. We often beat people to the punch - label ourselves before we are labeled, laugh at the jokes, heck even make the jokes!I guess it's all part of the defense. Coz believe me, life is hard our here for big/plus size/overweight people. Being confident is simply loving yourself despite and inspite. Everybody needs that. Being defensive on the other hand, will cause you to refuse to see a problem where there is one.

The funny thing about weight is most of the time, you don't even notice it piling on. I know I've always been big, but I also know the weight has piled on over the years. I never quite noticed it happening, but it did. And there will always be a reason, especially if you've been big all your life. You'll be told the way you are big boned, heavy set etc etc. And I bought into all this, till I met someone who shed 48kg's after being told all those stories. She looks ridiculously good. So that's where I kinda begun to believe that things could be different.

I just got to the point where I begun to think that there has to be a way out. I NEED a different quality of life. I was tired of being told that I can't get much smaller that I am because that's just how I'm set. I was tired of trying thing after thing after thing that either didn't work or was just a short term solution. I didn't have issues with how I looked, but I definitely became more aware of how unhealthy it is to be overweight. It doesn't matter how fabulous you look (because there are so many ridiculously fabulous looking big ladies out here), you can not be overweight/obese and healthy. And if you are healthy now, just wait it's catching up. I have nothing against "Plus Size Power". I could possibly be the chair-lady :)) ..But yo! I think it's time we started calling a spade a spade and not a big spoon.

Weight loss is not easy. It really requires a lot of sacrifice that most of us don't want to make. For me it was especially hard because I just couldn't seem to find a program or regimen that would give me the kind of results I wanted. And this kept me super discouraged, and would often have me on the verge of giving up. I tried working out, and it made me feel great but I wasn't seeing any real change. But I did notice that when I gradually begun to change my eating habits, I begun to get results

Lightbulb moment!

I stopped taking gradual measures and begun taking drastic measures. I met the most amazing lady who put together the most amazing program for me and yo! It's difficult, but it works. And it's not a short term fad - it's lifestyle change. That's what I love. That I will shed this thing and not have it come back, unless I allow it to.

Am I happy? Immensely. Weight loss will suck if you are doing it for anyone but yourself. It has to be YOUR journey. Yours and no one else's. It's not a journey you can share. You can't even rely on other people to cheer you on - they can cheer you on, but you can't rely on that to keep you going. There will be tons more who want you to remain as you were

Human beings thrive on wins. When you win at something, it keeps you motivated. Up till now, it had been a pretty suck-y year for me. Most of the amazing things I had planned had slowly and surely fallen apart. And most of it was things beyond my control. But somewhere in June, in the middle of my job hunt one day, I decided that I needed a win for me. So I decided to take my weight loss a lot more seriously that I had been.

I want to live long (if my long life was to be purely a factor of weight-related health issues), I want to live happy. I want to have babies when I decide to have babies. I don't want to feel it's time and have a doctor tell me "Nah, you need to lose xx kg's before you can even think of having kids to avoid complications - I know about 4 people that have gone through that). I want to enjoy the great outdoors with my man (because I realized the real reason I don't like outdoor activities is just because they are exhausting because your body cant handle it), and I want to run around with my nieces and nephews and my future babies. I want to get into a public transport and be confident that people aren't busy thinking "Please don't sit next to me" :-D. I want to have energy. I want to find clothes my size in any store I walk into. That's why I'm doing this. I want to live life on my terms. And I am slowly and surely getting there.

It can happen. It's happening for me, it can happen for you too. But you have to want it more than you've wanted anything before.

So if you're on this journey - soldier on. If you've been looking for the motivation to start, get on it! People are changing their lives, one day at a time. So start your journey, one day at a time.

Because that's the only way - a day at a time.

Love & Light :)

WhatchuDoin?? July Edition

A few bloggers I know do often do this post called taking stock... And I honestly quite like it (when I read other people's) it's like a nice movie trailer - giving you just enough info about eeeeeverything that's going on. I figured it would be cool for me to do it as well, only I changed what I call it :)

So without much further ado, let's get to it!

Making: My first "WhatchuDoin??" post :) .. Most other Bloggers call this "Taking Stock", I call it WhatchuDoin because I can :)

Eating: Barvita biscuits.. they are sooo good guys! Sugar free too :)

Drinking: Black Coffee from my travel mug.. I honestly have no idea why I take hot beverages from my travel mug when I'm in the house, and I never leave the house with it... Yes, I'm also that chic who drinks cold beverages in tea mugs!

Reading: "Love & Respect - The love she most desires, the respect he desperately needs" .. Guise, this book is AMAZING! Got it as a birthday gift from Mr. O and haven't been able to put it down since.

Wanting: Chocolate... Soooo bad.. I haven't had chocolate in 6 weeks, and probably wont have any for the next year... But today, I've just been missing it bad!

Playing: 2048 - trying to get to 4096 :)

Wishing: That it was December already. It's been such an interestingly weird year... Not all bad, not all great - I'm just excited about the possibilities that this second half has, and December will be great!

Enjoying: My sugar free life a lot more than I ever thought I would - considering I was the biggest sweet tooth I knew.. Been 100% of sugar (and anything containing sugar - I didn't even have cake on my birthday for the first time ever!!) for 6 weeks now and I love it :)

Liking: Mr. O... I really like this guy. He's so cool :)

Loving: This Maybelline lippie I bought myself for my birthday... Glorious! And only KES 850 too :)

Hoping: For a little (ok, big) miracle in the near future

Needing: A pedicure. So bad. It's been too long.

Smelling: My body splash... #FeelinMyself

Wearing: This beautiful shade of red nail polish on my nails.. Love love love it! I should actually probably do a nail polish haul

Following: itsjudyslife Vlogs... A.D.D.I.C.T.E.D ... Those baby bears are so darn cute :) Speaking of - would any of you ever do Vlogs? I'm not sure I ever would.. I think the closest I would ever get to vlogging is snapchat (awino_snaps - follow me!! #ShamelessSelfPromotion)

Noticing: The changes in my body, and absolutely loving them!! (I will  be talking about this in next week's post, so enter your email up there and get it while it's hot! It's going to be a good one :) #ShamelessSelfPromotion) Also, I use waaay too many emoticons when I write!

Knowing: I have the most amazing girlfriends in the world! Furrealz! =D>

Thinking: About how I need to go for a movie.. Like to the cinema... Think the last I did that was my birthday 2 or 3 years ago

Feeling: Rather Optimistic!

Opening: Another pack of Barvita's :)

Happy August y'all!! 

Love & Light

Being Awino :)

The only constant in life is change

~Sikumbuki~

Change is good. Seriously. I promise :)

When I started writing, it was mostly to share an experience that shaped me, and share my lessons with people as I got through it myself.

But I have honestly been feeling over it. And it's been getting harder and harder to write. For the past few months I was even considering shutting down the blog altogether. (Also, writers sometimes run out of things to say - for reals! Aaaand, having to be deep all the time gets exhausting :-D)

However, a few days ago, one of my friends asked a very interesting question in a group forum we have - if you had the opportunity to go back in time or into the future, what would you choose?

And therein, I got my answer

So earlier this year, I did a program at my church called Mizizi. This proved to be the final step I needed to get myself to where I needed to be. At the end of the program, a couple of us were asked to do video interviews about our stories to be used to encourage other people to do the program. I didn't expect that I would have to go in real detail about my story, but I was asked to in the middle of the interview and I decided to do it. As that video played over and over and over at church, it dawned on me that I'm past it.

Back to the question my friend asked - I would do neither. Every experience in the past has shaped me to who I am, and I LOVE who I am. And as for the future- well, what I am doing right now is great. And what I am doing now will build to that. So I am also in love with who I am becoming!

I am simply enjoying being me. Being Awino.

And so that is the new direction the blog will be taking. My day to day - right from the days when I have amazing deepness to share, to my more quirky silly days. My style, my cooking, my friends, my love, what I'm reading, where I'm going - all of it!

My writing was more private before. Private in the sense that I never "put it out there". I just shared it with a few of my friends, and they did most of the visiting and telling. I was never confident talking about my story, part of me felt ashamed so it was hard to openly speak about it. But now, I feel like I am over that.

I write. It is the best way I express myself. And it is something I would love to share with the world. I really don't feel like I want or need to be anonymous anymore

So welcome to my world, share in my experiences. Talk to me and I will talk to you :)

Also, wish me a happy birthday - it's my birthday yo!!

Love & Light

F.R.O.G

After an almost 3 month hiatus - I am back :-)

Now, those who know me well know that I have this (terrible) tendency to hibernate and disappear when I have things going on that I have no idea how to tackle or handle, or even what to do. My contract at work wasn't renewed at the end of March due to lack of funding (I worked for an NGO). I knew this was going happen from the end of February and had hoped that something would open up by that time but that wasn't the case.

So here I am now - unemployed for one month and four days now.

During this period, I have come to the realization that I really like to be in control of the things that happen in my life. I don't like not being in control or not knowing what is happening or is going to happen. It sucks. Yet a part of me feels like I keep being thrown in these situations because God needs me to learn how to trust Him and I probably haven't fully learned how to do that yet.


In many ways, this should be a depressing period for me. It usually is for most people. And I have definitely had my depressing moments over the past 3 months. I will not lie, I have had my days when I have been really down, I have thought and thought till I could think no more, I have felt like everything is falling apart. I have been there. But now, having come to the end of one month and having passed pay day without receiving a salary, I smile.

I smile because if there is one thing I have learned beyond any doubt is this - God is my sustenance, God is my provider, God is my source. Being off a salary, even if for a short period of time, has really given me perspective. God provides. He does it in many ways and sometimes, a salary is just one of those ways. But we often get so tangled up in that, believing that we provide for ourselves simply because we go to work everyday and get paid for that. But with or without a salary, God takes care of me. And God will take care of you. It doesn't matter how he chooses to do it, He will ultimately do it.

Secondly, I have never felt as much part of a team as I do currently. Mr. O and I are a team. And if there is one thing I know beyond doubt, we are in this together. He has really had my back over the past three months. We've thought together, planned, changed plans, prayed, hoped, trusted.... We have all round really bonded on a whole new level as a result of this experience. This is another thing I am grateful for. I am grateful to have shared this experience and learned the lessons we've learned through this BEFORE getting married. I consider this a privilege. And in the entire time we have been together, there has really been no experience as sweet as learning to trust God and wait on him together, as a unit.

Whatever situation you find yourself with, allow God to show himself strong for you. Allow him to perform that miracle for you. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Whatever situation you find yourself in - good or bad - learn to always be grateful. Because wherever God plants you, he wants you to learn, grow and thrive so that he can propel you to your next assignment. So thank Him. Every single day. There is absolutely nothing that happens in your life that catches God by surprise, but even more importantly, there is nothing that happens in your life that you and He cant handle together.

F.R.O.G - He's got you :-)