That Awkward Moment...

One of the hardest things I have had to go through is talking about the break up to new “potentials”

Not that I struggle with talking about it, it’s their reaction. It always gets EXTREMELY awkward after that.

Sometimes it makes me wonder if that is something that should probably be kept hidden, but on the other hand it sort of filters those who are serious and those who are not – consoling myself that any man who gets scared off is probably not the man for me.

For many of them, hearing that I was with someone for 4 years and was engaged and that I’m not even the one who ended the relationship tends to be very heavy to swallow. Why? Well, some of them decide (without asking me) that there is NO WAY I could possibly be over him, or over the relationship. Others think that because of that, I am definitely completely ready for marriage and if they feel like they can’t offer that, they shy off.

Am I ready for marriage? Absolutely. I think I have mentioned this before. I am not looking for a boyfriend; I am looking for a husband. What I mean is that I'm not necessarily after the"just good to have somebody around" kinda relationship- you know, when you want to have someone in your life, but are not necessarily ready for marriage... yeah. A boyfriend is a means to an end. Meaning you just have to be my boyfriend in order for us to get married. But I’m not looking to be in a dating relationship for anything longer than a year and a half. And this is something I am usually very open about from the word go. If you aren't really ready to settle- I'm probably not the girl you are looking for, and that's fine.

However, there is nothing that annoys me as much as when people decide for me where my heart is at as far as this past relationship is concerned. I am a very “as is” person. If I tell you I’m over it- believe me. If I wasn't, I wouldn't even be sitting at a date with you or talking to you for any reason.

When I share this aspect of my life, I don’t do it because I feel that I owe anyone an explanation. I don’t. I do it because, unfortunately, it is a part of my life. And whether I/we like it or not it will have certain impacts on the relationship that will be had. On a personal level, I am a great believer in love and happy endings but I will be the first to admit that it can be quite difficult to give your heart away fully to someone when you aren't too sure that it will be well taken care of. On another level, this new man is going to face quite some challenges when it comes to marrying me because everyone around me may not make it as easy. He may need to work twice as hard because no one wants that to happen again. And so if people are hard on him for whatever reason, I want him to be aware why they are being so hard. If I am not in any particular hurry to introduce him to friends and family, I also want him to understand why. I need him to know that my heart is extremely precious to me, and if he gets me to commit it to him, he needs to take responsibility for that.

I know what I am worth. And I know that I am worth it. But unfortunately, I can’t force anyone to see that. I’m extremely excellent at marketing myself, and I could probably talk anyone out of any doubts they had, but I’m too grown up for that nonsense. If you can’t figure that out on your own, well then… My theory is that if I Had to “talk” you into a relationship, I’ll probably have to “talk” you through it all the time.

So I’m not going to hide it. I’m not ashamed of it. I am a product of everything that has happened to me. And I own that. It makes me a gem. And hopefully, someone will someday see exactly that.

No deep lessons here today, I mostly just needed to vent :)